HuuuH? Puh-leaze!!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Trisha Cummings" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2000 12:22 PM
Subject: 8 Seasons of Parenting - Interview with Barbara Unell


> HERE IS AN ARTICLE THAT TALKS ABOUT HOW CHILDREN IMPACT US - the reverse
of
> how we impct them. Show everyone gets a learning curve with parenting!!
LOL
>
> > Barbara Unell chat
> >
> >  Transcript of chat with Barbara Unell, May 24, 2000.
> >
> >  Barbara Unell, with Jerry L. Wyckoff, Ph.D., is the author of The Eight
> > Seasons of Parenthood, as well as Discipline without Shouting or
Spanking,
> > 20 Teachable Virtues and How to Discipline Your 6- to 12-Year-Old
Without
> > Losing Your Mind.
> >
> > Unell is a parent-educator, journalist and former columnist for the
Kansas
> > City Star. She founded Twins Magazine and the school-based
> > character-education program "Kindness is Contagious ... Catch It,"
> > reported on in Family Circle magazine this month.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > We're pleased to have Barbara Unell join us tonight to talk about The
> > Eight Seasons of Parenthood. Welcome, Barbara!
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Hello! Nice to be here tonight!
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > So Barbara, who is this book aimed at, new or experienced parents?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > The book, The Eight Seasons of Parenthood, covers parenthood from
> > pregnancy through the end of a person's life - so it's the entire
> > lifecycle of the parent. And you experience each season anew with each
new
> > baby, so even though you may have gone through all the seasons with one
> > child, when you have another baby, you repeat those seasons with that
> > child.
> >
> > Cathy says:
> > What do you mean by "seasons" of parenthood?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > We use the term "season" to describe the beginning and end of a stage of
a
> > parent's life. Each season is defined by a child's growth and
development.
> > For example, when a parent is in the Sponge Season, she/he is taking
care
> > of a baby. That season ends when the child begins walking, which shifts
> > the parent into the Family Manager Season.
> >
> > Judy says:
> > How did you find that there were eight seasons?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > We analyzed adult development research and interviewed parents who had
> > children of all ages, from not even born yet to 75 years old. There were
> > distinct transition points for parents that had a profound impact on
their
> > lives. And it is in these transition points that many parents have a
> > difficult time adjusting to their "growing up," just as children often
> > have difficulties adjusting to their own growing stages.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > I love the names you have for the seasons. Would you talk a little about
> > each season?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > The seasons were named by the people we interviewed, when we asked them
> > how it felt to be a parent of a toddler, or grade-schooler, or
teen-ager,
> > or young adult, or independent older adult. The answers we received led
us
> > to these terms to talk about each stage of parent development.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > You already have me living in fear of the teen-age years with a name
like
> > Volcano Dweller.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > This book is quite unique; there is no other book that defines
parenthood
> > as something other than what we do to our children. This book is about
> > what they do to US!
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > Now that is something every parent should read.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Well, the truth is the truth. Knowing it's coming is sometimes helpful,
> > Audrey. The other point I'd like to make is if all that parenthood was
the
> > day-to-day doing the wash, making the meals, disciplining the kids,
buying
> > them jeans, paying for summer camp, many of us would look at this
constant
> > giving, giving, giving and say: "What about me? What's in this for me?"
> > This book describes in glorious detail what's in this for you.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > Very good idea, I think even seasoned parents need to read something
like
> > that now and then.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Although I don't know how many of you are parents, for those of you who
> > aren't, we've found that one of the great joys of this book is for
people
> > to understand their parents, aunts and uncles ... for the generations to
> > have more empathy for each other. Someone said that this book is a
> > profound method of birth control; others have said it's the best
fertility
> > drug they ever received because they can't wait to live their lives
> > through the eight seasons.
> >
> > PattiT says:
> > I was just going to ask what the seasons are.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > The first season is Celebrity, which is the beginning. The awareness
that
> > the rest of your life isn't going to be just about you, but will revolve
> > around your hopes and dreams for your child. And then, through the birth
> > of your child, parents are thrust into the Sponge Season. In which they
> > soak up the experience (and bodily fluids). When the baby grows, Family
> > Manager is the next season, and is all about the experience and impact
of
> > a toddler and preschooler. This season is the one in which all semblance
> > of your former life fades into black, as your formerly horizontal static
> > little angel becomes upright and a mobile little bundle of energy. We
> > hope. And that's the good news. Which requires you to make decisions,
set
> > up rules, help define boundaries. Which is difficult for those adults
who
> > don't want to have boundaries and rules for their own lives, let alone
set
> > them up for someone else. This season becomes focused on control. Or
> > better put, self-control. Next season, the Travel Agent, when a child
> > enters elementary school, is another major transformation for a parent
in
> > his/her development. No longer is the parent totally in the driver's
seat;
> > now teachers, scout leaders, soccer coaches, etc., are directing the
> > itinerary. And as your child's travel agent, parents are expected to set
> > it all up and organize their child's central journey through childhood.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > That one sounds like a difficult season, the stepping back.
> >
> > PattiT says:
> > I agree, Audrey. I'm so used to being main influence in my child's life,
> > it will be hard to let go.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > PattiT, absolutely, in fact the journey of parenthood is all about
letting
> > go and holding on ... the alternating rhythm of this process. And just
> > when you get comfortable with this itinerary, and sharing the travels of
> > their offspring ... suddenly you are thrust into the next season of
> > parenthood ... the Volcano Dweller. In this season, most bets are off.
As
> > much as you have adjusted to the adventures of your elementary age
> > children, now most parents are not invited along for the ride. Your
> > teen-ager is cruising through life. This is a shocking revelation.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > It sounds shocking; it is still seven years away and I am already
scared.
> > The volcano season that is.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Again, just when it seems that life on a volcano is starting to become
> > familiar, you are thrust into the next season, the Family Remodeler,
when
> > your child leaves home for college, the armed services, a job, or just
to
> > live out of the house. Again, this is the good news. But the effect on
> > parents can range from devastation to jubilation, all in a single hour,
> > depending on the parent's attitude about this season.
> >
> > Sandy says:
> > This season sounds a little easier on the aggravation side but harder on
> > the emotional side.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Good point, Sandy. In fact, it is the fit between a parent's personality
> > and temperament and his/her own childhood and the particular nuances of
> > the season that determines the misery or happiness of the parent
> > throughout adulthood. If parents can help themselves not become
aggravated
> > by their adult children's behavior even when it's not in front of their
> > faces. After the Family Remodeler season, there's more adjustment,
> > emotionally, as the parent and child now are forced to relate to each
> > other as two adults, because the adult child is financially independent.
> > Again, this is the good news! That can leave a parent feeling bereft
> > because he/she doesn't feel "needed" any more. Of course, parents are
> > always needed emotionally! But, because of the shift from dependence to
> > complete independence, a child now needs to be respected as an adult.
> > Which is an adjustment for parents who have not started that process in
> > the Family Remodeler season. This season is called Plateau Parent, as
> > parents reach a point in their lives where they are experiencing a
rebirth
> > through grandchildren or are facing the reality that they will no longer
> > experience the previous six seasons of parenthood with grandchildren if
> > their children do not have children.
> >
> > JoyGirl says:
> > Yep, I know I still need my mom. I guess she is the plateau parent.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Finally, the last season of parenthood is the Rebounder Season. In which
> > adult children take care of their parents. This season is usually
> > discussed from the perspective of the adult children and how difficult
it
> > is to care for their own children as well as their parents. This book
> > discusses the emotional roller coaster that their parents experience in
> > giving up their independence. I am hopeful that both the eldest
generation
> > and their adult children will gain greater understanding of each other
> > through their sharing this chapter together.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > It does sound like a chapter that should be shared.
> >
> > MomofFive says:
> > So do grandparents experience these seasons, also?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Yes, grandparents relive the seasons of parenthood through their
> > grandchildren, as they often relive their own childhood while
> > grandparenting. This is one reason why people say that grandparenthood
is
> > so awesome! They get to do it all again, fix the mistakes they felt they
> > made as a parent (and maybe even as a child). There's so much hope in
> > grandparenthood.
> >
> > SoozieQ says:
> > How do several kids of different ages affect my parenting?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > SoozieQ, you are perhaps in several seasons at the same time, which most
> > people are. Therefore, the impact of parenthood on you can be difficult
or
> > easy to adjust to, depending on whether you comfortably fit in each of
> > these seasons that your children put you in.
> >
> > SoozieQ says:
> > Yes, as I look at the seasons I think it is likely to be the case for
some
> > time.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > It's the attitude, not the age, that defines your journey through the
> > eight seasons. Parenthood is the only identity that we take with us
> > throughout our adulthood. We may lose our sisters and brothers and our
own
> > parents through illness and death, and even the tragedy of losing a
child
> > does not erase our identity as a mother or father.
> >
> > Cathy says:
> > What about fathers? Do they experience seasons in the same way?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Fathers experience all of the seasons in the same way except the
Celebrity
> > Season (pregnancy). Which is important to understand, because it is
> > precisely this fact that starts mothers and fathers on the journey of
> > parenthood in very different places.
> >
> > Cathy says:
> > How true!
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > And then their paths cross directly when the baby is born. But both have
> > had different adventures up until that point. Which can lead to
> > misunderstandings and a feeling of separateness and distance between
> > spouses if they do not respect the path that each one has had to travel.
> >
> > Cathy says:
> > Thankfully, it can also bring them closer together too.
> >
> > JoyGirl says:
> > Do adoptive parents have any additional seasons or concerns?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Adoptive parents begin parenthood in Sponge Season, which can put them
in
> > the same starting point emotionally in the journey of parenthood.
However,
> > it's important to consider how the decision was made to adopt and what
> > each partner felt about beginning parenthood through adoption.
> >
> > MegansMom says:
> > Do you have children?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Yes, I have twins who are 19 years old. So I am a happy Family
Remodeler.
> > But I went into being a Family Remodeler kicking and screaming. In all
> > seriousness, writing this book has been a transformative experience for
me
> > as well, for which I am deeply grateful.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > Transformative how?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > I was troubled by the myth that parenthood stops when your children
leave
> > home, and was thrilled to discover through hundreds of interviews that
> > looking at parenthood as a series of seasons gave so many people so much
> > comfort and eased the pain of their sense of loss as their children
became
> > adults with children of their own. Parenthood became for me, clearly not
> > about loss and separation, but about a process of renewal and rebirth. I
> > was able to regard the empty nest as a rebirth of my marriage. Which was
> > quite lucky for me!
> >
> > Jan2 says:
> > How do you view parenthood? Has having children changed your views very
> > drastically?
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > I view the eight seasons of parenthood (not the book) as the definition
of
> > parenthood. The best-kept secrets about parenthood, the untold side of
the
> > parenthood story. Parenthood is about growing and reaching our own
> > potential as a mother or father, just as much as it is washing the
clothes
> > and wiping the noses and going to the piano recitals. I hope this book
> > helps others reach their potential throughout their adult lives. As
> > parents look to child development books for the roadmap to whether their
> > child is growing healthy and normally, this book is the guide to the
> > emotional journey through parenthood, the compass to adulthood for the
> > parent. I'd love you folks to share your feelings about each of the
eight
> > seasons of parenthood on our Web site at http://www.8seasons.com because
> > we all share the same journey and benefit emotionally, spiritually and
> > even physically and intellectually from learning how each of us copes
> > along the journey.
> >
> > Host AudreyT says:
> > On behalf of the women's community and WomenCentral, I would like to
thank
> > you for joining us tonight, Barbara. You can check out The Eight Seasons
> > of Parenthood at Barnes and Noble Online. Thank you for an interesting
and
> > fun chat! We hope you'll join us again on WomenCentral.
> >
> > Host Barbara_Unell says:
> > Thanks, and good night!
> >
> >
>