In a message dated 04/25/2000 10:17:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< Ex Fire Fighter Cited for Arson. >>

Hey!  They never proved it in court.

Rules about fires and firefighting:
1.  There are three causes of fire:  Men, Women, and Children.
2.  All firefighters join the fire department for the same two reasons:
Lights and Sirens.

Things to say to a fellow firefighter:
1.  "Bub, you'd be a great firefighter except for three things:  Heat, Smoke,
and Flames."
2.  (Addressing a firefighter who trips over the broom he is using to sweep
the bay floor) "What's the matter buddy, too many moving parts for you?"
3.  A lady just called you, but I can't remember if it was your wife, or your
girlfriend."
4.  "Man, somebody musta hit you with an ugly stick."

Things to say about the Fire Chief:
1.  Oxygen, fuel, heat, chemical chain reaction, fire chief...remove any one
of these elements and the fire will extinguish.
2.  Dork, jerk, twit, numbskull, numb-something else...take your pick.
3.  "It's his world; we're just living in it."

Somebody once found a big old plastic Donald Duck head and secured it to the
towing ball of the fire chief's vehicle.  The vehicles are always backed up
in the bays, and the chief enters from the front side of his vehicle.  He
never sees the back.  He drove around for quite a while before the deed was
discovered.

I'm not at liberty to say who did this evil, horrible thing.

Another great thing to do to the fire chief (or any fire suppression vehicle
operator) is to turn the siren to the "on" position when the vehicle itself
is turned off.  When the vehicle operator starts the engine, the siren goes
on automatically.  A great thing to do to the fire chief -- a really great
thing.

Not a nice thing to do to someone with a heightened startle reflex though.

How to cure a fellow firefighter from midnight refrigerator raids on everyone
else's food:  Ex-lax "chocolate" cake...works like a charm.

Most serious rule:
Don't mess with a firefighter's food.  You can talk about his mother, but
don't mess with his food.

Nickname for female firefighter:  "Split tail"
Betty's firehouse nickname:  "Boobs" (it started as Betty Boops, and kind of
evolved).  It stuck -- what the heck.

Things to do to a rookie firefighter:
1.  Send him up on the roof in the rain to measure the rainfall.
2.  Tell him to go get you the "water hammer" (water hammer is something that
can occur within the pump of a firetruck -- it's not a good thing).  If
you're lucky enough, he'll run off to look for a tool for about a half an
hour, and not want to ask anyone where it is because he doesn't want to look
stupid.
3.  Place a raw egg in his running boots, or a dead fish in a pocket of his
running coat.
4.  Atomic sit ups...don't ask.
5.  Say the grossest things you can think of at the dinner table, to see if
you can get him to throw up.

This is something we actually did to a firefighter who would never take a
bath -- peuy!  We emptied a whole can of shaving cream in his bed under the
covers.  The guy actually got in bed and got it all over him.  Then he HAD to
take a shower.  While he was in the shower, we stole his clothes and bath
towel out of the bathroom.  When he yelled at us the captain said "okay Mike
we're sorry...Betty's coming in with your towel now.  "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, I did take him the towel -- so sue me.

Something Betty found out when she did a fire safety experiment for a group
of children:  Don't do it under a smoke detector.  That's all I'm saying.

End of message