HERE IS AN ARTICLE THAT TALKS ABOUT HOW CHILDREN IMPACT US - the reverse of
how we impct them. Show everyone gets a learning curve with parenting!! LOL

> Barbara Unell chat
>
>  Transcript of chat with Barbara Unell, May 24, 2000.
>
>  Barbara Unell, with Jerry L. Wyckoff, Ph.D., is the author of The Eight
> Seasons of Parenthood, as well as Discipline without Shouting or Spanking,
> 20 Teachable Virtues and How to Discipline Your 6- to 12-Year-Old Without
> Losing Your Mind.
>
> Unell is a parent-educator, journalist and former columnist for the Kansas
> City Star. She founded Twins Magazine and the school-based
> character-education program "Kindness is Contagious ... Catch It,"
> reported on in Family Circle magazine this month.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> We're pleased to have Barbara Unell join us tonight to talk about The
> Eight Seasons of Parenthood. Welcome, Barbara!
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Hello! Nice to be here tonight!
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> So Barbara, who is this book aimed at, new or experienced parents?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> The book, The Eight Seasons of Parenthood, covers parenthood from
> pregnancy through the end of a person's life - so it's the entire
> lifecycle of the parent. And you experience each season anew with each new
> baby, so even though you may have gone through all the seasons with one
> child, when you have another baby, you repeat those seasons with that
> child.
>
> Cathy says:
> What do you mean by "seasons" of parenthood?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> We use the term "season" to describe the beginning and end of a stage of a
> parent's life. Each season is defined by a child's growth and development.
> For example, when a parent is in the Sponge Season, she/he is taking care
> of a baby. That season ends when the child begins walking, which shifts
> the parent into the Family Manager Season.
>
> Judy says:
> How did you find that there were eight seasons?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> We analyzed adult development research and interviewed parents who had
> children of all ages, from not even born yet to 75 years old. There were
> distinct transition points for parents that had a profound impact on their
> lives. And it is in these transition points that many parents have a
> difficult time adjusting to their "growing up," just as children often
> have difficulties adjusting to their own growing stages.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> I love the names you have for the seasons. Would you talk a little about
> each season?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> The seasons were named by the people we interviewed, when we asked them
> how it felt to be a parent of a toddler, or grade-schooler, or teen-ager,
> or young adult, or independent older adult. The answers we received led us
> to these terms to talk about each stage of parent development.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> You already have me living in fear of the teen-age years with a name like
> Volcano Dweller.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> This book is quite unique; there is no other book that defines parenthood
> as something other than what we do to our children. This book is about
> what they do to US!
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> Now that is something every parent should read.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Well, the truth is the truth. Knowing it's coming is sometimes helpful,
> Audrey. The other point I'd like to make is if all that parenthood was the
> day-to-day doing the wash, making the meals, disciplining the kids, buying
> them jeans, paying for summer camp, many of us would look at this constant
> giving, giving, giving and say: "What about me? What's in this for me?"
> This book describes in glorious detail what's in this for you.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> Very good idea, I think even seasoned parents need to read something like
> that now and then.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Although I don't know how many of you are parents, for those of you who
> aren't, we've found that one of the great joys of this book is for people
> to understand their parents, aunts and uncles ... for the generations to
> have more empathy for each other. Someone said that this book is a
> profound method of birth control; others have said it's the best fertility
> drug they ever received because they can't wait to live their lives
> through the eight seasons.
>
> PattiT says:
> I was just going to ask what the seasons are.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> The first season is Celebrity, which is the beginning. The awareness that
> the rest of your life isn't going to be just about you, but will revolve
> around your hopes and dreams for your child. And then, through the birth
> of your child, parents are thrust into the Sponge Season. In which they
> soak up the experience (and bodily fluids). When the baby grows, Family
> Manager is the next season, and is all about the experience and impact of
> a toddler and preschooler. This season is the one in which all semblance
> of your former life fades into black, as your formerly horizontal static
> little angel becomes upright and a mobile little bundle of energy. We
> hope. And that's the good news. Which requires you to make decisions, set
> up rules, help define boundaries. Which is difficult for those adults who
> don't want to have boundaries and rules for their own lives, let alone set
> them up for someone else. This season becomes focused on control. Or
> better put, self-control. Next season, the Travel Agent, when a child
> enters elementary school, is another major transformation for a parent in
> his/her development. No longer is the parent totally in the driver's seat;
> now teachers, scout leaders, soccer coaches, etc., are directing the
> itinerary. And as your child's travel agent, parents are expected to set
> it all up and organize their child's central journey through childhood.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> That one sounds like a difficult season, the stepping back.
>
> PattiT says:
> I agree, Audrey. I'm so used to being main influence in my child's life,
> it will be hard to let go.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> PattiT, absolutely, in fact the journey of parenthood is all about letting
> go and holding on ... the alternating rhythm of this process. And just
> when you get comfortable with this itinerary, and sharing the travels of
> their offspring ... suddenly you are thrust into the next season of
> parenthood ... the Volcano Dweller. In this season, most bets are off. As
> much as you have adjusted to the adventures of your elementary age
> children, now most parents are not invited along for the ride. Your
> teen-ager is cruising through life. This is a shocking revelation.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> It sounds shocking; it is still seven years away and I am already scared.
> The volcano season that is.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Again, just when it seems that life on a volcano is starting to become
> familiar, you are thrust into the next season, the Family Remodeler, when
> your child leaves home for college, the armed services, a job, or just to
> live out of the house. Again, this is the good news. But the effect on
> parents can range from devastation to jubilation, all in a single hour,
> depending on the parent's attitude about this season.
>
> Sandy says:
> This season sounds a little easier on the aggravation side but harder on
> the emotional side.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Good point, Sandy. In fact, it is the fit between a parent's personality
> and temperament and his/her own childhood and the particular nuances of
> the season that determines the misery or happiness of the parent
> throughout adulthood. If parents can help themselves not become aggravated
> by their adult children's behavior even when it's not in front of their
> faces. After the Family Remodeler season, there's more adjustment,
> emotionally, as the parent and child now are forced to relate to each
> other as two adults, because the adult child is financially independent.
> Again, this is the good news! That can leave a parent feeling bereft
> because he/she doesn't feel "needed" any more. Of course, parents are
> always needed emotionally! But, because of the shift from dependence to
> complete independence, a child now needs to be respected as an adult.
> Which is an adjustment for parents who have not started that process in
> the Family Remodeler season. This season is called Plateau Parent, as
> parents reach a point in their lives where they are experiencing a rebirth
> through grandchildren or are facing the reality that they will no longer
> experience the previous six seasons of parenthood with grandchildren if
> their children do not have children.
>
> JoyGirl says:
> Yep, I know I still need my mom. I guess she is the plateau parent.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Finally, the last season of parenthood is the Rebounder Season. In which
> adult children take care of their parents. This season is usually
> discussed from the perspective of the adult children and how difficult it
> is to care for their own children as well as their parents. This book
> discusses the emotional roller coaster that their parents experience in
> giving up their independence. I am hopeful that both the eldest generation
> and their adult children will gain greater understanding of each other
> through their sharing this chapter together.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> It does sound like a chapter that should be shared.
>
> MomofFive says:
> So do grandparents experience these seasons, also?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Yes, grandparents relive the seasons of parenthood through their
> grandchildren, as they often relive their own childhood while
> grandparenting. This is one reason why people say that grandparenthood is
> so awesome! They get to do it all again, fix the mistakes they felt they
> made as a parent (and maybe even as a child). There's so much hope in
> grandparenthood.
>
> SoozieQ says:
> How do several kids of different ages affect my parenting?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> SoozieQ, you are perhaps in several seasons at the same time, which most
> people are. Therefore, the impact of parenthood on you can be difficult or
> easy to adjust to, depending on whether you comfortably fit in each of
> these seasons that your children put you in.
>
> SoozieQ says:
> Yes, as I look at the seasons I think it is likely to be the case for some
> time.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> It's the attitude, not the age, that defines your journey through the
> eight seasons. Parenthood is the only identity that we take with us
> throughout our adulthood. We may lose our sisters and brothers and our own
> parents through illness and death, and even the tragedy of losing a child
> does not erase our identity as a mother or father.
>
> Cathy says:
> What about fathers? Do they experience seasons in the same way?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Fathers experience all of the seasons in the same way except the Celebrity
> Season (pregnancy). Which is important to understand, because it is
> precisely this fact that starts mothers and fathers on the journey of
> parenthood in very different places.
>
> Cathy says:
> How true!
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> And then their paths cross directly when the baby is born. But both have
> had different adventures up until that point. Which can lead to
> misunderstandings and a feeling of separateness and distance between
> spouses if they do not respect the path that each one has had to travel.
>
> Cathy says:
> Thankfully, it can also bring them closer together too.
>
> JoyGirl says:
> Do adoptive parents have any additional seasons or concerns?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Adoptive parents begin parenthood in Sponge Season, which can put them in
> the same starting point emotionally in the journey of parenthood. However,
> it's important to consider how the decision was made to adopt and what
> each partner felt about beginning parenthood through adoption.
>
> MegansMom says:
> Do you have children?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Yes, I have twins who are 19 years old. So I am a happy Family Remodeler.
> But I went into being a Family Remodeler kicking and screaming. In all
> seriousness, writing this book has been a transformative experience for me
> as well, for which I am deeply grateful.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> Transformative how?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> I was troubled by the myth that parenthood stops when your children leave
> home, and was thrilled to discover through hundreds of interviews that
> looking at parenthood as a series of seasons gave so many people so much
> comfort and eased the pain of their sense of loss as their children became
> adults with children of their own. Parenthood became for me, clearly not
> about loss and separation, but about a process of renewal and rebirth. I
> was able to regard the empty nest as a rebirth of my marriage. Which was
> quite lucky for me!
>
> Jan2 says:
> How do you view parenthood? Has having children changed your views very
> drastically?
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> I view the eight seasons of parenthood (not the book) as the definition of
> parenthood. The best-kept secrets about parenthood, the untold side of the
> parenthood story. Parenthood is about growing and reaching our own
> potential as a mother or father, just as much as it is washing the clothes
> and wiping the noses and going to the piano recitals. I hope this book
> helps others reach their potential throughout their adult lives. As
> parents look to child development books for the roadmap to whether their
> child is growing healthy and normally, this book is the guide to the
> emotional journey through parenthood, the compass to adulthood for the
> parent. I'd love you folks to share your feelings about each of the eight
> seasons of parenthood on our Web site at http://www.8seasons.com because
> we all share the same journey and benefit emotionally, spiritually and
> even physically and intellectually from learning how each of us copes
> along the journey.
>
> Host AudreyT says:
> On behalf of the women's community and WomenCentral, I would like to thank
> you for joining us tonight, Barbara. You can check out The Eight Seasons
> of Parenthood at Barnes and Noble Online. Thank you for an interesting and
> fun chat! We hope you'll join us again on WomenCentral.
>
> Host Barbara_Unell says:
> Thanks, and good night!
>
>