POST EXPRESS
Category: News
Date of Article: 10/22/99
Topic: Is She Wedding Before You?
Marital Lines
Author: Helen Obayagbon and Zebulon Agomuo
Full Text of Article:
LOOKING at her sister eyeball to eyeball, Adenike, 39, announced rather
shyly, " I hope you're not waiting for "big sis" to make the first move. You
see, in this matter of marriage, things are no longer what they used to be.
Don't think because sis is not married, you cannot get married too. If any
man has offered you his hand in marriage, grab it fast , instead of
bothering your head about me."
That was Adenike's painful confession to her younger sister , Tolu. After
letting out those words, she fought back the tears in her eyes and sauntered
into her bedroom. All alone, she wept bitterly not knowing what exactly to
do with herself.
Almost 15 years now since she graduated from the University, no man , (not
even the most unserious human being) has come to her with a proposal of
marriage. Yet, right in her presence, four of her younger sisters have
gotten married.
"Where did I go wrong", she thought. All these while I was in the
University, I comported myself well. I never messed around with any man. To
start with , I even joined the Scripture Union(SU) and almost became a
laughing stock among my friends and colleagues. But, 15 years after..." she
stopped short in her thoughts.
Just then, she reached for the long standing mirror beside her bed and began
surveying her features. "Age is definitely telling on me", the words
suddenly fell from her lips. "Wao, what a life! Very soon, the last of my
younger sisters would also get married and I ... where would I be ...." she
suddenly became erratic and started throwing things at her reflection in the
mirror. " I hate myself , yes, I hate everything and even God who has put me
in this state," she wept again and again.
Destiny, luck, fate and star are some of the words usually employed to
describe some occurrences in the lives of people. That a lady got married
before her elder sister(s) is seen by many people as luck or destiny.
However, in some societies, certain matters as weighty as younger sisters
getting married before their elder sisters are not just seen as destiny, but
as taboo which is capable of causing disaffection among members of a family.
Ngozi Okeke, 43, is a British-born. Even though she does not like it that
her younger sisters have all gotten married before, yet, she takes solace in
the fact that she lives far away from them.
Although, she agrees she's not completely free from all such things as
'embarrassments and harassments' from the family, but she believes the
situation would have been much worse if she was living in the country.
Remembering the first time her immediate younger sister was to get married,
Ngozi said she became totally frustrated with life as her parents kept
urging her to find 'a man', since it is not in their tradition for a younger
sister to get married before her senior.
Ngozi said she also noticed the pompous manner in which her sister carried
on. According to her, she suddenly looked 'small' in her eyes while she was
busy telling her how she wanted them to organise her wedding.
Making a practical confession, she disclosed that on the wedding day proper,
she just took ill not from any of those ailments we know but from worriness
and anxiety .
Two, three years after when another of her junior sister was getting
married, Ngozi said, she didn't even bother to show her face. According to
her, her relationship with her sisters consequently worsened. Her joy
however, is that she lives in Britain away from prying eyes.
Well, if Ngozi is able to condone this older sister syndrome' by staying
away from Nigeria, how many ladies can afford to do same considering the
nation's poor economic conditions. Assuming a lady even has visa to travel
out, does that completely solve her problem?
In any case the question of younger sisters getting married before elder
sisters is reaching an alarming height anyhow. The other day, a happy father
while praying for his eldest daughter(the last to take leave of him)
suddenly burst into tears to the consternation of those around.
After he finished his prayers, the man gladly announced "you see, this my
daughter's marriage today is a great testimony. We had given up all hope on
her. We thought she was one of those destined not to marry in life but now
you can see for yourself," the old man started crying again.
Well, who says an older sister cannot marry even when all her younger
sisters are married and procreating in their different homes. The question
however is how do people view this practice? Does it go down well with a lot
of us? And, are there concrete reasons to suggest that some of these
arrangements are abnormal in the society?.
Mrs. Pauline Ogunyemi, a seamstress says " I will count it a matter of
destiny if my younger sister gets married before me. But then, "I would feel
jealous and pray that something bad spoils the occasion,", she added
bluntly.
For Mrs. Ogunyemi, a younger sister getting married before her elder sister
is not considered a taboo in her own town. But, in any case she said to
allow the younger sister go on with her wedding she would be required to buy
fowl and offer as an oblation to her sister in order to get her blessing.
Miss Franca , a nurse said such an arrangement breeds a lot of problems in
the family. She recounted the experience of her two aunts who married the
same day. According to her, the older one was angry she married same day
with her sister and thereafter swore that her younger one will not get
pregnant as long as she's alive.
In the opinion of Franca , " iF your younger sister gets married before you,
you will lose your respect in the family". She said consciously or not,
parents would begin to see the older sister as a liability in the home.
A woman who simply gave her name as "mama Chidinma" said, the reaction of
the family or the elder sister in such a case depends largely on the
community. She said, even though such a thing is not a problem in the area
(Imo)where she comes from, in Anambra, it is viewed differently, she
disclosed here, "some parents would outrightly discourage the younger girl
from getting married before her senior," she quipped.
Whichever way, there seems to be a concensus on the fact that marriage of
younger sisters before their elder ones usually leave such ladies
heart-broken. It has also led to undue envy, jealousy and acrimony.
Unfortunately too, some ladies also have had to lose their opportunities as
they were prevented by their parents to marry, just because their elder
sisters were without suitors. We can go on and on talking either for or
against this growing phenomenon.
But, one thing is clear, times are changing, marriage and everything that go
with it is also changing. Remember when it was a taboo for a woman to
propose to a man. But now, some women take it upon themselves to make the
first move and, some men hardly frown at it . So, if the good lord says your
younger sister would say the words "I do" before you, simply ask for the
grace to attend her wedding without ending up with a high blood pressure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To unsubscribe/subscribe or view archives of postings, go to the Gambia-L
Web interface at: http://maelstrom.stjohns.edu/archives/gambia-l.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
