WARNING SMILE AS Professor Higgins might have put it, the brain drain may not have been in vain. From the research laboratories of the American industry there has lately come a toothpaste which glows in the dark and reflects the headlights of motor cars. Whether it cleans teeth more effectively than precipitated chalk or soft twigs has not been officially announced. It is, however, the first toothpaste that can be advertised, not only as providing sexual success and rapid promotion for its purchasers, but also as making a definite contribution to road safety. So long as nocturnal pedestrians who use it can remember to walk facing the traffic and to keep grinning fixedly, their prospects of being run over (from the front, anyhow) should be reduced. This should make for some reduction in the after-dark accident statistics, providing that the Ministry of Transport arranges sufficient advance publicity to ensure that all night-drivers are aware of the radiant toothpaste. Otherwise, the more imaginative among them, when faced with rows of grinning skulls at the curbside may shy at this sudden Hallowe'en, swerve up the opposite pavement and mow down in lamp-posts what they've missed in pedestrians. Light up your face with a smile, must be the slogan, and light up your smile with Glittergum, the only toothpaste with built-in cat's-eyes. -- [log in to unmask] (Liza May)