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*Thoughts on Polygamy and the Treatment of Women
**by Ginny Quick, Florida

*Greetings, all, am feeling once again driven to contribute to a
Maafanta discussion:  this time as regards polygamy and the
relationships between men and women, as they do kind of go hand in
hand.

First, though, polygamy.  I am a Muslim, and have been so for about 10
and a half years now.  And while I don't feel that polygamy should be
banned, as it is a right given to the man by Allah, I also have to say
that as it's practiced in many places in the world, it's a practice
that I do not feel entirely comfortable with for myself.  Perhaps it's
my "Western/American upbringing", as I'm well, an American, but I
really feel that just as men have a right to the practice, Islamicly,
women also Islamicly have a right to say that a polygamous lifestyle
may not be right for them.

And I find Sankanu's reasons for polygamy
to be a bit superficial and flimsy.  I thought I'd read on Maafanta
that he was a scholar (and an Islamic one at that), yet when he speaks
of polygamy, I notice that he doesn't use any Islamic justification
for the practice, but merely suggests that "others are doing it" and
then semes to suggest that he and other men should be allowed to
continue the practice "because we're Africans and that's part of our
culture".  No matter that he is all but telling people how to break
local immigration law to do it (something that can get you deported if
you're caught).
And not only this, he talks of polygamy being good
for women because they have other women around to gossip with, etc.,
as if all women are gossipy?  So not only is he using cultural
justifications, telling people how to break local immigration law, and
saying polygamy is good for us women because of stereotypical
"feminine qualities" that supposedly all women possess, but then he
further generalizes how monogamous relationships work, and further
implies that people in monogamous relationships just would go and get
themselves a mistress anyway.  And polygamy as a form of environmental
responsibility and a cure for wastefulness?  Now that's a new one on
me.

Here are my thoughts on polygamy.  Firstly, it can work, if the
man/husband is upfront and honest about it, no secret wives, no not
telling the first/second/third wife that he's gone and gotten
remarried.  Everything should be up front and above board.  I mean,
why keep it a secret (and make it more like the supposed monogamous
relationships Sankanu generalizes about, where infidelity has to be
kept secret lest the wife/girlfirend finds out?), if polygamy is
supposed to be all that, and OK, etc.  People usually keep secrets
because they've done something they don't want others to know about,
or they've done something that they feel they're going to get
chastized, etc., for.  And for me as a woman, it's not the "sharing
the husband" that would get me, it would be the finding out he got a
second/third/fourth wife from his friend/cousin/her showing up on my
doorstep.  And it would be marrying the subsequent wife, not because
he's taking care of orphans/widows, etc., as Islamicly recommended,
but because he wants something more younger/beautiful, and he's gotten
tired of the wife/wives he already has.  i.e., I'm no longer good
enough so he has to go out and get him some "fresh meat", as it were.

And what if I'm a "global cowife", and my husband spends most of his
time in another country?  What about my/the woman's Islamic rights to
companionship/sexual satisfaction, etc.?  While a man can marry up to
four women (and Sankanu continually refers to "mistresses" as well
which is something else prohibited Islamicly) and thereby satisfy this
for himself as he'd have a wife wherever he went, assuming he was
going to the same place one of his wives were, what about the
wive/wives left behind?  I'm telling you, if I only saw my husband a
few times a year, I'd get pretty lonely, and that would not be a
marriage I'd want to be a part of.  And that might actually be an
example that goes against everything Sankanu is saying, i.e., polygamy
would keep people from having mistresses, etc., because I might be
forced to go and find a man to give me what my husband, being that
he's halfway around the world, probably with his other wife, not able
or willing to give me.

And I think this is where the jealousy comes
in.  I'm reminded of that song by the SOS Band "Just Be Good To Me"
where she says "I don't care 'bout those other girls, just be good to
me".  So if my husband is good to me and treats me well, if he chooses
to take a subsequent wife, and he loves and respects me enough to tell
me this, and even after he's taken the subsequent wife, he continues
to treat me with the same love and respect as before, then I have no
problem with polygamy.  The issue is that across many cultures, the
practice does not always work as it's supposed to.  You have men
favoring one wife over the other, you have cowives stirring up drama
and fitna amongst each other, you have all kinds of drama that I
personally  would not want to be a part of.

One marriage with one man
and one woman is hard enough, it takes enough work and time and
effort, so adding another marriage into the mix would just make things
harder, not only for the man, who now has extra things to balance, but
for the women as well, even if they don't engage in drama and aren't
jealous.  The problem is, men sometimes like to look at polygamy as
halal/permissible opportunities for sex with a new person, when
polygamy is not always supposed to be about that.  I mean, if you look
at the Qur'an, you see that the verses surrounding the verse
specifically dealing with polygamy aren't talking about the practice
being allowed because African men do it, or for men to be able to get
their freak on with a new woman, but the verses are dealing
specifically with the care of widows and orphans, and the verse on
polygamy itself goes on further to state as translated into English as
"if you cannot do justly between them, then marry only one"!  And this
is a very important caveat here.
Along with the fact that per the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, he
did not always live polygamously as his marriage to Khadija
demonstrates.  Which further shows to me that while polygamy is an
option and a right for a man, it is not absolute and it is a choice
and it is something that women can choose whether or not they want to
be a part of.

As regards the "war of the sexes", i.e., the relationship between men
and women, I can speak for myself only when I say, as Aretha Franklin
says (and I just heard this song today actually) "All I want is a
little respect".  And it really bothers me that when women say that
they may not want polygamy or they want more equality or autonomy in
the relationship or they'd like a man to be more attentive to them,
that they're just some kind of "liberal feminists" or something.  You
can't come to America and expect things to be the way it was back in
the village, expecting your wife to cook, clean, take care of the kids
and possibly work full time while you come home and just sit on your
butt watching TV, not helping out at all.  And this isn't just an
African thing, a lot of American men do this too.  If both of you are
working, there's nothing saying that you as a man, especially if you
still want the right to go gallavanting off to some far-flung place to
spend time with Wife # 2, can't change a few diapers or spend time
with the kids, or clean the house, etc., while your wife rests or has
some time to herself.
Probably the reason why back in the village the
men could sit around all day and drink ataya while their wives cooked,
cleaned, took care of the kids, etc., was because there were plenty of
aunts, cousins, sisters, grandma's, etc., to do it, as it used to be
here in the US, back when you didn't just have the nuclear family,
back when you had a lot of extended family and neighbors around to
help with the farmwork, etc.  But in most of modern America, you just
don't have that kind of lifestyle anymore.  There's just you, your
wife, and any kids you might have, which means that both you and the
wife may have to share some of the household responsibilities.  And
culture aside, if the Prophet Muhammad himself helped out with the
housework, then you as a mere human being shouldn't be too good for a
bit of dish-washing, or taking out the trash, yourself.  The problem
with some, but not all men, is that they want to have their cake and
eat it too, they want the "fun" of polygamy but not the responsibility
that goes with it, they want their wife/wives to live up to a usually
superficial/fantasy standard that just doesn't exist, i.e., the
perfect body after 5 kids, the sex drive of a 20 year old after
they've spent the day cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids,
after working a full time job, etc., and even if the man is
polygamous, he still wants all of this in his wife/wives, and if she
doesn't meet with his satisfaction/approval, he just goes and gets
another wife.

The thing is, women are not glorified children, or superhuman
play-things, just as men need to feel respected, women need to feel
respected and valued, etc., too.  And I don't know how Sankanu thinks
most of us women are, but I personally don't ask for much.  If I do
something nice for you, a "thank you" means a lot, or a compliment, or
something to let me know that you appreciate all that I do for you as
a wife/mother, etc.  As they say, little things can add up to a whole
lot.  It just bothers me that women are portrayed by Sankanu as these
demanding people who are too greedy and too unappreciative of their
husbands, it's like he's demanding his rights, while not respecting
the rights that women have.  And it's unfortunate that this is coming
from a supposed Islamic scholar on top of that.  Who should also know
that many Muslim scholars have said that a Muslim living in non-Muslim
lands should abide by the laws of that land, which means no polygamy
and thus no hiding it by calling your co-wife your cousin/sister, etc.

If practicing of polygamy is so important to Sankanu and if it works
so much better in Africa then perhaps he should instruct African men
who wish to practice polygamy to stay in Africa where they are,
instead of telling them how to get around the laws of the US/Europe to
continue the practice here.  However, in his defense of polygamy and
upholding of the status quo as regards how women should behave and how
women should be treated, I saw nary a peep about Islam, no quotes from
the Quran, no exampels from the Sunnah of our beloved prophet, just a
railing against Rohi for being a supposed "feminist", and an emotional
screed about how Sankanu is an African and how because of this, he and
other Africans should be allowed to continue the practice.  And if he
wants to argue the merits of polygamy from an African cultural
context, that is one thing, but don't bring Islam into it, and don't
trump Islam with culture, because Islam should always be the standard
by which we judge a practice to be permissible or not, And this goes
for all of us as Muslims, whether we're African, American, Chinese,
etc.


--
Surah- Ar-Rum 30-22
"And among His signs is the creation of heavens and the earth, and the
difference of your languages and colours. Verily, in that are indeed signs
for men of sound knowledge." Qu'ran

www.suntoumana.blogspot.com

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