Peter Brandt passed along a pile of astoundingly funny clips from NFL's
newsletter:

> I am posting some amusing excerpts from the first two issues of the NFL
> newsletter "Just Eat An Apple" that was sent to me by a friend:
>

Peter, have I been unsubscribed?  I've seen *no* responses to your post.  How
can the funniest post on the Internet draw zero comment?  Is there a potential
copyright problem with me sending this to others?

Anyway, while the whole thing left me rolling on the floor, this clip from the
middle conjured up the funniest image....

---------------------------------
"Other topics covered in "Just Eat an Apple" are how to get away with going on
fruit raids in private gardens, preferably in the nude as this enhances the
sexual experience - how to increase penis size on the raw-food diet -how to eat
pot raw - how to steal food from the supermarket without getting caught..."
---------------------------------

 Can you imagine a bunch of stoned grown men, with oversize whangers,
shop-lifting (after stealing from a citizen's garden) while buck-ass naked?
Where were they going to hide the stuff?  Perhaps in the colon-prison they're
holding open for the fugitive Tom Billings?

Thanks for some 1st class humor on a newsgroup that needs a bit from time to
time.

Regards,
Rex Harrill


> =====================
> If you ever wondered what happened to fruitarian strongman Jeff Ross here is
> the answer:
>
> "August 6, - Militant raw-foodist Jeff Ross is thrown in jail by police for
> beating up a cooked-food eater.  The victim confronted Mr. Ross at the beach,
> laughing at him for eating fruit.  Mr. Ross threw a punch that missed, but
> followed up with an uppercut knocking the cooked-food eater unconscious.  For
> subscribers interested in writing to or sending food to Mr. Ross in jail,
> please send to Nature's First Law and items will be forwarded."
>
> Danger lurks at every corner for the raw-food freedom fighter:
>
> "May - Raw-food guru  Dr. David Jubb was attacked by the mad cooked-food
> addict "Charles" in New York City.  Apparently, Charles entered David's
> residence while he was diagnosing a woman with breast cancer who, at the
> time, had her shirt off.  The mad Charles punched David.  David tackled
> Charles and the appropriate authorities were notified.  Charles fled the
> scene and is apparently still on the loose."
>
> If you ever wondered what Kirt is up to when he is not on-line:
>
> "Fat and ugly Kirt "Stand for Something Or Fall For Anything" Nieft does not
> have a job. He lounges around his shack all day (mired in his poverty and
> milking his wife's income) eating rotting dead fish (raw) from his kitchen
> counter while cowardly sending e-mails from behind his computer. Can you
> imagine eating raw meat?!  Surely anyone stupid enough to fall for that could
> fall for anything.  Clearly, the parasites which have flooded his system have
> taken over his brain.  The chaos and confusion of his feeble consciousness
> have turned him into a black hole of negativity from which there is no
> escape.  Nevertheless, he does represent an incredibly positive factor, for
> he stands as a warning of exactly what happens to those who take up the DUM
> (dead uncooked meat) diet."
>
> Tom's true identity is revealed in the article "TOM BILLINGS: COOKED-FOOD
> MORON" illustrated with a crazy looking man sitting by a fire about to kill a
> cat with a knife:
>
> "Anyone interested in the Raw-Food Diet who has browsed the Internet for
> information on the subject has inevitably come across a cooked-food moron
> named Tom Billings (Milquetoast Tom).  This pale, emaciated, pencil-necked
> life-failure actually goes out of his way to speak out against Nature's First
> Law's valiant efforts to disseminate the truth of raw-foodism to the masses.
> His motivations for doing so are very mysterious.  Why is a self-proclaimed
> raw-foodist vegetarian actively advocating AGAINST raw-food diet and
> vegetarianism?  Hmmm... Maybe he is just sitting back laughing at all of us
> raw eaters whilst meditating in a dark room in some stupid yoga position
> whilst listening to some ridiculous Indian music with a red dot on his
> forehead?  We wouldn't be the least bit surprised.  Or, maybe he is actually
> an agent for the FDA or the USDA, hired to discredit Nature's First Law and
> the raw-food movement in any way possible?"
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "The truth is that Tom Billings is not a raw foodist, nor has he ever been
> one, nor is he currently a raw, living foods proponent.  However, he is in
> fact a toxic little tapeworm out to bring anyone interested in learning about
> The Raw-Food Diet down to his level - "Water seeks to its own level" remains
> an eternal law of Nature. What is really comes down to is that Billings is a
> lonely, sexually-frustrated, homosexual virgin, trying to put down the
> successful raw-fooders in order to compensate for his own personal failures.
> We recently learned from an infiltrator that Billings has never been raw for
> a single day of his life, he never went a day without rice!  Billings hides
> behind a computer screen bingeing on rice and tells everyone that
> cooked-foodism is dangerous."
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "So beware of the destructive, negative cooked-food moron named Tom
> Billings!  Better yet, we encourage you to challenge him and make him slither
> back into the colon from which he came."

> From an article called "A Day at... Nature's First Law" we get an insight
> into the daily lives of our brave, raw food warriors.
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "10:00am Stephen's place.  This is the Nature's First Law world
> headquarters.  Heavy metal music is blasting, as usual.  Fernis is the
> healthiest dog I've ever seen, and is 100% raw and vegetarian.  He has been
> especially trained to attack cooked-food eaters on sight.  HA!HA!"
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "I'm working with Dave and Stephen, Raw Courage being under the tropical sun
> of Hawaii. He decided he had enough of civilization, the "cooked coward
> world" as he says, and set out for a life of fun in the sun, 100% nude and
> 100% fruitarian."
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "We joke a lot at each other, and make reference to the infamous Tom Billings
> at least 10 times during the day.  Billings is a SEVERE cooked-food addict
> who pretends to be a raw-food promoter, but scares everyone off the idea of
> eating fruit and being a 100% raw -foodist.  He likes to talk against NFL, in
> his daily posts to the various raw lists on the internet."
>
> <SNIP>
>
> "2:00pm  We've got unexpected guests -- some groupie girls who think we're
> the coolest things around.  We don't really have time for that today, so I
> gently ask them to leave us alone. " ah...won't those chicks one day
> understand that being a super-hero is time-consuming!""
>
> Other topics covered in "Just Eat an Apple" are how to get away with going on
> fruit raids in private gardens, preferably in the nude as this enhances the
> sexual experience - how to increase penis size on the raw-food diet -how to
> eat pot raw - how to steal food from the supermarket without getting caught
> +  an exclusive interview with a real life breatharian.
>
> The cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead and shock jock Howard Stern seem
> to be the main sources of inspiration for these merry loonies of the dietary
> fringe which makes reading "Just Eat an Apple" highly entertaining; it also
> makes for a very sobering and educational experience for with their
> in-your-face attack dog style they are like the freak brothers on steroids
> doing what they do best - exposing themselves as a truly bizarre, social
> phenomenon driven by a vain desperation to continuously outdo and nurture
> their own bad-boy image. What makes this newsletter hysterically funny is to
> observe how these bozos by acting out their juvenile, apeman fantasies become
> victims of their own propaganda by being so completely devoured by the
> characters they are playing. I guess that is one of the dangers of not
> heeding the Beavis and Butthead viewer warnings...
>
> A one-year subscription (six issues) is $20 and can be ordered through
> www.rawfood.com.

> I recommend getting one as reading "Just Eat an Apple" is likely to be a very
> liberating experience that will make it difficult to look a raw, fruitarian
> type vegan in the eyes without cracking up unable to ever take such a person
> seriously again.  And as a bonus reading passages from the newsletter out
> loud to friends and family will work as a great conversation stimulant and is
> guaranteed to lighten up the dullest of gatherings.
>
> Best, Peter