>FROM:  Christopher Morrill  ([log in to unmask])

>Dear Deborah,
>
>Reading your "Long" letter about Zephyr (April 26/28), I'm reminded of
>your words to me a year ago:
>
>> You and Zephyr are both cut from the same cloth.  Neither
>> of you have ever sustained an emotional/sexual intimacy
>> longer than a few months.  You don't know what it is about
>> or what it requires, you're both into impulse gratification,
>> you're both scared, desperate, needy, afraid to commit ...
>> hence the attraction to Instincto and group sex.
>
>Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot.  After faulting Zephyr for
>his defective capacity to commit, you now contemplate -- in the public
>glare of the Internet, no less -- that it's already time to leave this
>man.

Why are you saying this so meanly?  Where is your compassion =
Christopher?
>
>"Our future is currently in question," you write, slapping Zephyr with
>an ultimatum:  to ship out or fundamentally reshape his character.

As my teacher Kerry King would say, "Who's giving who the ultimatum?" =
 You're intelligent Christopher, why would Deborah do such a crazy =
thing unless there were justifiable grounds.  Do you think because =
you find no fault with my character, or only at moments which you =
find stimulating because it presses your buttons and makes you feel =
our relationship is special, that for Deborah to find serious fault =
with it must mean she's slapping me with hysteria?

>"Time will soon tell whether the changes _he_ believes _he_ has
>undergone as a result of _his_ illness become demonstrated in [_his_]
>life."  One looks in vain for any promise of growth and change on _your_
>part.
>
>In painful truth Deborah, it's you who lean to serial monogamy, not
>lasting bonds.  It's you who toyed with another man at Pangaia (a move
>that tormented Zephyr and wounded the other).

Come on Christopher.  That's just a bunch of yellow journalism crap.  =
I initiated the non-monogamous sexuality.  I urged it, almost =
demanded it.  I don't think you realize how insecure and willing to =
deny her own true feelings Deborah is.  At that point she would do =
anything to stay with me.  I didn't realize she was lying to us and =
herself, maybe lying is not fully accurate, but stretching herself =
unhealthily out of fear of losing me rather than a desire to expand =
relationship.  She has confessed to me that much of this fear based =
false activity was present in the sexual/sensual aspects of her =
relationship with you while the three of us were together.  Maybe the =
anger you feel is that deep down you feel lied to.  You have a right =
to feel outraged, but I don't believe it is compassionate to take =
your whipped tongue to Deborah for it.  Eye for an eye will make the =
whole world blind, eh?

>It's you who went
>traveling with one of your several ex-boyfriends when Zephyr was too
>sick to walk, talk, or pee in a pot.

Now I know you're crazy Christopher.  That's the biggest bunch of =
double speak I've ever seen on the list, more than NFL ever could =
muster.  Deborah went to Tulsa for the anniversary of her very dear =
Father's death.  Fred went with her to support her and buffer her =
from her mother, who she has a challenging relationship with.  To =
tell the story the way you did is so misleading.  Are you eating =
cooked food again?  How could your brain allow this to come through =
unedited?

>
>And it's you, Deborah, who introduced yourself to Zephyr by writing this
>in the Natural Hygiene M2M:
>
>> Can't wait to meet you.  We have so much in common.
>> The difference is that you are taking action to incarnate
>> what I yearn for yet fear. ... Oh how I yearn for,
>> within monogamy, that type of sex you're talking about --
>> Tantric, bonding, infant, surrender, yes [sic]. ...
>> Come down south where it's warm(er), and check it out.
>> I doubt you'll find enough people to do what you want
>> here, but I can introduce you to some, and I'll be very
>> curious to watch what happens and participate in
>> whatever way feels right to me. ... Does everyone
>> [at Pangaia] want sex all the time? ...
>> I'm very very interested.
>
>Coming from an older woman -- wealthy, experienced, and polished by a
>Ph.D. in psychology =96- such talk was sure to have an impact on your
>impressionable 26-year-old conquest.

Except that I didn't know diddly about Deborah and it in fact had no =
particular impact on me.

> Now that Zephyr has grown ready to
>promise the bond you demanded, will you cast him off like stale food?

Demand?  What an odd word for the need to have bonding.  More like =
crave, starving for, deserve as a human.  Unexpressed jealousy =
Christopher?  Envy?  Rage?  Direct this stuff where it can do some =
good, not at scathing one of your better friends.

>Will you prove once again as fickle with your lover as you are with your
>on-again-off-again eating trips?
>
>You report heartache over Zephyr=92s desires for multiple sexual partners
>and communal living.  And after choosing a man with no means of support,
>you lament his financial dependency.  But you of all people, Deborah,
>knew what to expect from this crusading idealist.  You edited and
>published his book.

This is the most coherent paragraph you wrote.  It's true that she =
knew what she was getting into, but she and I made our "decisions" =
about being together not based on logic, but irresistible whole body =
feelings.  Truly, if I were looking through a singles list and read =
Deborah's honest bio I'd probably pass, but that is the mind, not the =
heart.
>
>Why exploit this forum to broadcast your off-topic marital resentments?

Since when is honest expression to people one feels affinity with off =
topic?  Who forces who to read anything?  Give it up Christopher.  =
Come out of your vicious mind and be vulnerable.  What about you and =
your feelings, hurts, wants.

> What did you expect to gain?  Under color of a public-spirited
>testament on your boyfriend's illness, you embarrass us with a veritable
>Dear John letter, a self-congratulatory confession of what you call
>"imbalanced" intimacy.  Isn=92t your halo hanging a bit heavy on your
>head?

You just wish you had a lover Christopher.  I imagine you have so =
much energy around her and I because I'm the last and sadly maybe =
only person to give you real honest love and companionship.  Your not =
going to recreate that experience by trying to eliminate the =
competition, in fact a letter like this makes me want to pull away =
from you more, not nurture you and love you.  I know you feel =
incomplete, and I know you are creating a family of sorts for =
yourself.  If you want to support family and intimacy and healing =
both Deborah and I are here for that, but if you want to =
narcissistically show off how witty and cruel you can be we'll be at =
McDonald's.
>
>Spare me the one-sided account of your saintly forbearance and Zephyr's
>rankling unworthiness.

Again Christopher, who forced you to read anything.  Admit to your =
own desire for any crumb of information about me and our life.  You =
like the food, it keeps you going.  But I believe you can do much =
better than this.

I am sad and confused by the distancing between you and Deborah, =
truly.  I wish we were all one big happy family as the fantasy goes, =
and yet I know there are damn good reasons and beyond reasons that =
this isn't happening.  All three of us hold an equal piece of this =
circumstance.  Maybe you can't admit to yours and want to shame and =
blame Deborah.  Maybe you don't have the guts to lay into me because =
you fear I'll abandon you the way you feel abandoned by Deborah.  I =
want you to be complete on this experience, Christopher.

>Spare Zephyr your demeaning metaphor of
>mothering a stray dog.  And spare us, please, your unbecoming exhibition
>of conjugal one-up-manship.  Save it for the bedroom, if that=92s what
>turns you on.

Phuck you.
>
>Sincerely, <--------- Z:  This is a lie
>
>Christopher

Angrily,

Zephyr