SUBJECT:  Open Letter to D. Boyar on Zephyr

FROM:  Christopher Morrill  ([log in to unmask])

TO:  [log in to unmask]

DATE:  5/28/97


May 28, 1997

Dear Deborah,

Reading your "Long" letter about Zephyr (April 26/28), I'm reminded of
your words to me a year ago:

> You and Zephyr are both cut from the same cloth.  Neither
> of you have ever sustained an emotional/sexual intimacy
> longer than a few months.  You don't know what it is about
> or what it requires, you're both into impulse gratification,
> you're both scared, desperate, needy, afraid to commit ...
> hence the attraction to Instincto and group sex.

Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot.  After faulting Zephyr for
his defective capacity to commit, you now contemplate -- in the public
glare of the Internet, no less -- that it's already time to leave this
man.

"Our future is currently in question," you write, slapping Zephyr with
an ultimatum:  to ship out or fundamentally reshape his character.
"Time will soon tell whether the changes _he_ believes _he_ has
undergone as a result of _his_ illness become demonstrated in [_his_]
life."  One looks in vain for any promise of growth and change on _your_
part.

In painful truth Deborah, it's you who lean to serial monogamy, not
lasting bonds.  It's you who toyed with another man at Pangaia (a move
that tormented Zephyr and wounded the other).  It's you who went
traveling with one of your several ex-boyfriends when Zephyr was too
sick to walk, talk, or pee in a pot.

And it's you, Deborah, who introduced yourself to Zephyr by writing this
in the Natural Hygiene M2M:

> Can't wait to meet you.  We have so much in common.
> The difference is that you are taking action to incarnate
> what I yearn for yet fear. ... Oh how I yearn for,
> within monogamy, that type of sex you're talking about --
> Tantric, bonding, infant, surrender, yes [sic]. ...
> Come down south where it's warm(er), and check it out.
> I doubt you'll find enough people to do what you want
> here, but I can introduce you to some, and I'll be very
> curious to watch what happens and participate in
> whatever way feels right to me. ... Does everyone
> [at Pangaia] want sex all the time? ...
> I'm very very interested.

Coming from an older woman -- wealthy, experienced, and polished by a
Ph.D. in psychology –- such talk was sure to have an impact on your
impressionable 26-year-old conquest.  Now that Zephyr has grown ready to
promise the bond you demanded, will you cast him off like stale food?
Will you prove once again as fickle with your lover as you are with your
on-again-off-again eating trips?

You report heartache over Zephyr's desires for multiple sexual partners
and communal living.  And after choosing a man with no means of support,
you lament his financial dependency.  But you of all people, Deborah,
knew what to expect from this crusading idealist.  You edited and
published his book.

Why exploit this forum to broadcast your off-topic marital resentments?
 What did you expect to gain?  Under color of a public-spirited
testament on your boyfriend's illness, you embarrass us with a veritable
Dear John letter, a self-congratulatory confession of what you call
"imbalanced" intimacy.  Isn't your halo hanging a bit heavy on your
head?

Spare me the one-sided account of your saintly forbearance and Zephyr's
rankling unworthiness.  Spare Zephyr your demeaning metaphor of
mothering a stray dog.  And spare us, please, your unbecoming exhibition
of conjugal one-up-manship.  Save it for the bedroom, if that's what
turns you on.

Sincerely,

Christopher