as I have mentioned recently, I'm being pulled out of the slimy pit.  It 
seems that the struggle isn't quite over with yet, though. I know that 
some of you believe that once you have received Christ, you can never 
lose your salvation, or, if you turn away as far as to deny Him, you 
cannot come back because He will not die for us again.  But I don't 
really agree.  However, I'm learning that, just maybe, the Lord has kept 
me all the time I thought I wanted nothing to do with Him anymore, that 
there is a difference between emotional "Kicking God Out," telling 
people, to "Get off my back!" and agreeing to have someone put me on a 
prayer chain, as I have done with my counselor, who is a Christian and 
whose mother was delivered from a "hopeless" addiction to Valium.  My 
counselor put her on a prayer chain, and maybe a few days later, not 
knowing what happened, her mother called to say, "You know, I just don't 
feel the need for it anymore."  Anyway, I'm still having a hard time 
just simply leaving things in god's hands and not worrying, despite the 
fact He gave me more than one scripture about that!  .  If it were a 
physical thing that needed fixing, I would have walked over to Him and 
put it in His arms long ago.  Now that I think of it, I might have 
worried that I would take it back under pressure, but I think a tangible 
thing would be easier to deal with.  So I would still appreciate your 
prayers.  Also, please pray that I will find a prayer partner in my area 
who understands how to talk with the Lord as The chief Counselor.  
Though the one I have now is a licensed counselor who is more open to 
this, she is paid by Medicaid.  I would prefer to work with someone who 
has no restrictions of what we can or can't do.  It would be nice to 
have a woman so we could become friends and goof around too.  If I can 
get that, I might stop with this restrictive system.

Another thing is that I haven't been going to church.  For most of my 
life, I've been at least somewhat uncomfortable with it.  Sure, 
sometimes I would hear an encouraging sermon, but because of what I've 
been through, I have this attitude that it reminds me that there is a 
Hell because they talk about the Lord.  I would very often give up the 
fight to sleep, and would be angry when my mom tried to make me wake up 
and listen.  Another attitude is, "If the people know what's inside of 
me, they might think I was in serious danger and might tell me that I 
would have to make a decision for Christ," as some have done."  I know 
that I need to remember that they are children, brothers and sisters 
like myself, and not the Father, who is the highest authority, but right 
now that's not so easy.  However, I would sort of like to find and go to 
a small informal group where the Holy spirit is allowed to move without 
being interrupted by scheduled activity.  So please pray for that too.  
I see a possibility, but I've put it off.  If I remember to look into 
this, I'll talk with my caregiver this evening and we might call the 
lady she talked with.  You can hold me accountable to that, if you want. :)

I hope you all don't mind this long message, but thank you for asking 
this question, Phil.

Your sister in Christ,

Sharon