Guys, I don't know what's wrong with me...  I was really tired, just a
stressful day, I guess, but all a sudden I go to bed.  Guess what I start
dreaming about, as usual:  my 2nd cousin, jessica.  Guys, I just can't take
it!  One way or another, I've gotta either talk to her, or fly down there.
We don't have the money for the latter, especially since i no longer work at
my prior job...  I mean, I still work on the side, but it doesn't pay the
greatest.  Anyway, tonight, I dreamed that I found out that Christy and
Jessica had come down for my cousin's wedding, which btw, will be the 19th
of December.   Anyway, when I found out she was there, it was rather late at
night.  I called and I think my aunt answered.  I told her please, to have
jessica call me.  She was staying with Christy, and my aunt at my parents'
house.  I told my aunt, in the dream, even if it's 11 o'clock.  See, I
couldn't talk then when I called as according to the dream, my aunt said she
and Christy had went to Walmart.  Anyway, I don't know why i keep having
dreams like this about meeting her, or talking to her...  Obviously, it's
not as easy as calling.  Christy never returns my calls, even if it's
important, and a corse, she won't let jessica near me, or so it seems...
The last person I talked to about this, who I thought was a friend told me I
was psycho.  Guys, honestly, I've never ever been so patheticly devastated
in my entire life!  I feel like God's punnished me, and I'm already in hell.
Frankly, I'm quite angry at him.  i don't wanna be, but what more do I do.
i've prayed, and prayed!  i've begged, and begged.  I just abgsolutely
cannot take it.  Today, I got so stressed that at one given time, I took 4
of the 8 hr extra strength non drousy tylonols.  That's double the usual.  I
can't sleep, and really haven't for the past week.  I've been overly eating,
almost like I'm trying to get bollemia, even though I'm really not
ententionally trying to do that.  i talked with my councelor, and she said,
well, Chris, she just a darn kid, I don't know what it is that makes you
love jessica so much.  She's just your 2nd cousin, not your gardian angel.
Guys, that made me so angry, I nearly hit the son of a gun!  Yes, she is! my
gardian angel, I can't explain how i know, but I do!  God's revealed time
and time again!  I know that you all could say Chris, we love you, or Chris,
your God loves you, and I know both are true, but i need to hear Chris, I
love you, and you know whom I need to hear it from?  Take a wild guess, it
ain't kristin.  I wanna hear those words like I did the one time earlier,
straight from Jessica herself.  It just feels like someone's taken a knife
and slammed it through my heart making all the guts come out in a
massacre of cold blood.  I've been up about all night crying and crying, and
crying.  i just need someone to literally hold me.  i can't with Kristin, as
she so much smaller than me, and I'm a great bit heavier than her, so I'd
probably hurt her if we tried.  Times like this, I just wish i'd choke and
die on my tears.  No, i'm not suicidal, but i'm about everything but that.
i'm tempted, to take double my antidepressants, but don't worry guys:  I'm
not that patheticly stupid.  i'm not going to.  I just need at least one
person who can notify the list, and let them know that they will be tonight
constantly praying non stop.  i know some of you all work, but if anyone
could willingly be all on their knees praying tonight, until at least 5 A.M.
Eastern time, which means for the next 8 and a half hours, I'd appreciate
it.  I just can't get through this night.  No one seems to care, or
understand, and I don't want to wake kristin up, as bless her heart, she's
had a long day and is sound! asleep.  Please, dear God, o God, someone
pjlease! help me!





Chris.