Hi all,

This list is now operated by a new software system that puts the message in 
html until I change it.  I don't know what copying and pasting does to it, 
but if you have a hard time reading it, I'm sorry.  Anyway, here goes:

Sharon

The Cybersalt Digest

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Cybersalt News

Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational 
content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other 
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reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org

Today's CleanLaugh - "Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined 
the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often 
frustrating
creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your 
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace 
them
with your presence.

What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other 
cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for 
centuries,
but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting 
the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other 
activities
that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do 
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, 
but they
are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important 
activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting 
business, spending
time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your 
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is 
usually
so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out 
of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you 
want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of 
it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. 
They
will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over 
this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well
with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 
4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this 
time,
you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent 
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep 
sleepers
to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human 
from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly 
resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to 
punish
your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating 
household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are 
likely
to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we 
offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic 
interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball 
attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand 
by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the 
thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans 
prefer
these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly 
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and 
playful
movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: 
cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the 
occasional
earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, 
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see 
the
expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight 
are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most 
humans
(at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But 
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only
take you so far.

Today's Oneliner

"On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."

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Today's CleanPun - "Arrest Report"

A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After 
brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.

On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your 
Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He 
clutched
in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."

"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."

Today's Eye Laugh!

*Driving Regret*
http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=14

Meet Christian Singles Online

http://www.cybersalt.net/rdsingles.htm

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt 
Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia
http://www.westsidefamily.org

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