This isn't 100 percent done, I don't believe, but done enough to post.

Phil.

I'm Just An Ugly Fish but I can Still Hear God's Voice


Inferiority, Rejection, and How To Hear God

By Phil Scovell



     I turned on the radio one evening and began checking different
stations.  It was just after sunset.  One of the smaller station
that is about 40 miles distant, had already dropped its
transmitting power to night time operations.  I could still hear
the signal fairly well but normally I didn't even bother checking
that station at night.  This time, however, a man was saying
something that caught my interest so I turned up the radio and
began to listen.

     The man was telling a story about his life as a child growing
up.  He was never well liked or accepted at school.  Due to his
above average weight, he was always picked last for any sports
they played out on the elementary playground.  It did not take him
long, therefore, for him to become more of a loner due to other
students ignoring him or literally making fun of him and his
weight.

     One day, he said, he and his family were fishing.  They
apparently lived near one of the ocean coastal regions of the
United States based upon his description.  That day, he caught
the largest catch of the whole family.  When they pulled it
aboard, however, it was an ugly flounder.  These are ocean bottom
feeders that spend most of their time in shallow waters, covered
with bottom silt, sand, and mud, only their eyes moving above
their camouflage places of hiding, and swallowing about anything
that swims by.  For those of us who are land lovers, we could
compare our river and lake catfish with these ocean bottom
dwellers.  One big difference, on the other hand, is the flounders
grow to be from a few inches, to as large as 3 feet, and they are
flat like a pancake.  As they grow, their eyes migrate to the top
of one end of the pancake shaped body.  They can quickly burrow
beneath the sand and bottom silk, and almost immediately become
invisible.  Yes, some are good to eat, I've been told.

     As I recall, the man said he was 9 or 10 years old at the
time he caught the ugly looking flounder.  After getting it
aboard, he looked down at the bottom feeder he had just caught,
and as his family sat around and laughed at him, he said to
himself, "That's me.  I'm that ugly fish."  I am guessing it might
have been a health food show, or something, because this station
plays such things at that time of night but I am also basing this
assumption on what the man said next.  He said, "When I saw that
ugly fish and realized that was what I looked like, I immediately
became a vegetarian."  He meant, of course, he decided he would
never again give anyone cause to think of him as ugly.

     Switching the radio off, I sat in the quiet of my room, and
considered the obviousness of the lie that was so clearly spoken
to a little boy, "I am that ugly fish."  No wonder he became a
vegetarian.  Inferiority, rejection, and the lack of acceptance
can drive a person to eventually do almost anything to fill the
incredible emptiness they feel inside.  I want to focus on the lie
the young boy heard in his thoughts.  "That's me.  I am that ugly
fish."

     I could easily speak the names of 50 of the most well known
serial murderers that likely anyone reading this article would
know more than half of them.  You might even be able to tell me
how many they killed and their (MO) or Method of Operation.  We
know them because of what they became.  They forced us to notice
them due to their evil and nefarious acts perpetrated against
society.  Some claimed to be Satanist, members of occult groups,
covens, involved in some type of a cult, but most were more loners
than anything else.  Regardless, they felt less of a human being
for some reason, eventually rejected for who they were and who
they weren't, that is, they didn't meat the standards of everyone
around them, and the lack of acceptance became literally a form
of reverse goal for them.

     In my elementary days, I was well accepted and not because I
was smart, received top grades, and was popular.  I was accepted
because I was one of the top athletic achievers in the school.
Although I lost my sight at 12 years of age, I still excelled in
sports including wrestling and track and field events at the
school for the blind.  Lurking deep below my daily life was the
knowledge I was really an inferior person and although I really
didn't experience a large scale rejection event, it did occur at
times during my youth.  Later in life, as an adult, I would
experience, not only major rejection events, but I would relive
those I never realized were there, created as a child, and lay
just below the surface, while others were buried so deep, only
major emotional disturbances blew them to the surface of my mind.

     I was standing in the shower one day when an ugly memory came
to mind.  It was a sin I had committed while I was 16 years old
and using LSD, Marijuana, hash, speed, and just about anything
else I could lay my hands on at the time.  I was learning to pray
in a special intercessory way for myself at the time I was
standing in the shower and this memory surfaced.  I emotionally
cringed each time this memory came to mind and it came often.
Why?  Because the memory contained information based upon a lie.
This time, as I continued to shower, I focused on the memory and
in my thoughts, asked the Lord why this memory kept returning.  I
knew it contained a lie because the memory literally hurt
emotionally each and every time I saw it.  My confusion was based
upon reoccurring guilt.  You see, I had confessed what I had done
as sin hundreds of times but the guilt never seemed to leave the
memory.  That confused me even further because I knew I was
forgiven the first time I prayed and confessed my sin to the Lord
so why didn't the guilt go away?

     The Lord said in my thoughts,"How did you feel at the time?"

     "Stupid," I quickly replied.  "It was just so plain stupid."

     "Yes, and how did you feel other than stupid for what you
did?"

     "I thought.  "I don't know," I finally said sheepishly.

     "What did you do after committing this sin?" the Holy Spirit
said conversationally in my thoughts.

     As the hot shower water struck my back, I suddenly saw the
lie.  I wanted to tell my friends, my drug and hippie friends,
what I had done.  They would say, "That's weird, Scovell," and I
would be excepted even more.  Weird was the name of the game for
acid heads and thus I was well "accepted" by my friends.  The
memory was suddenly clear of guilt.  Now when the memory returns,
as it does occasionally, I just feel stupid, the guilt is gone,
because the lie the guilt was based upon, that is, "You have to be
accepted to be liked," and since I see the lie for what it is, it
no longer generates guilt.

     What you have just read is a description of the renewing of
the mind talked about in the New Testament by the Apostle Paul in
at least four places.  (See Romans 12:1-2, II Corinthians 2:16,
Ephesians 4:22-24, Philippians 3:13-15, Colossians 3:10).  The
communication that I described, on the other hand, is called
prayer.  It is a spiritual intimate form of prayer that occurs, or
should, freely and automatically, and should come as naturally as
walking and breathing.  Yes, you can learn how to pray without
ceasing in this fashion.  Additionally, you learn, during the
process, the difference between your voice, the voice of the Holy
Spirit, and the voice of the Enemy, that is, Satan and or his
lying spirits.

     I am going to teach you more than I know.  That means, what
you are about to read is my personal opinion.  Although it may be
an opinion, it is based upon literally thousands of hours spent
reading God's Word over 100 times, comparing Scripture with
Scripture, the study of God's word over more than four decades,
the hermeneutical and exegetical examination of Scripture, and the
personal application I have experienced walking with the Lord
since my New Birth over 50 years ago.  You may choose to agree or
think my conclusions are erroneous but it makes no difference to
me.  I want, on the other hand, to give you reason, and Biblical
evidence, to understand why I believe the way I do about prayer
and communing with God which brings about newness of mind.

     The first recorded communications with the Creator we know
about is found in the early chapters of the book of Genesis.  I
would suggest, if you have the time, to stop and read Genesis
chapters 1, 2 and 3 before continuing.  Otherwise, please do take
time to read those chapters later.

     Most of us are aware that the Scriptures record that God
spoke all life and everything in the universe into physical
existence.  I believe God spoke vocally and audibly into
nothingness and at the "sound of His voice," all things instantly
existed.  Now, I realize that there are many Godly Christian who
believe God created matter, that is, adams with all their
subatomic particles, and from that, all life evolved over
millions of years.  I personally do not believe this, and for many
reasons, but I understand why some do.  I choose not to debate
that issue at this time because that, in and of itself, is not the
topic at hand.  My point, and my opinion as previously stated, is
that God spoke, using His own voice, literally, and the resonance
of his voice was heard and felt in the total darkness of
nothingness void and things existed instantly and were complete.

     Now, let's fast forward to the end of the week of creation
when man and woman were created.  We all know the bible says, they
were created in the image of God.  I believe this is true
physiologically and spiritually.  We read, "And man became a
living soul," after the Lord God breathed into man His own eternal
breath, or literally, breathed into the man His own eternal life.
Satan, who, most likely, had already been kicked out of Heaven,
sat up and took notice.  He thought, you see, that he would be
ruling the world but the early chapters of Genesis make it clear;
Adam and Eve were crowned the global rulers.  They were given
dominion over everything on the earth and that included Satan.
The old boy wasn't happy either and set out to try and destroy
them.

     Let me stop for a moment to use a simple illustration that
may shed a little light upon what I am moving toward concerning
the idea of communicating with God.

     How does a father, for example, exercise discipline over one
of his children?  First and foremost, he speaks.  We think infants
don't understand us because they have not reached the stage of
awareness and personal identity.  This is untrue and science has
proved they do hear and they do understand long before they are
even born, that is, while still growing in their mother's womb.
Ask any pediatrician and he will tell you to talk to your baby.
Why?  the infant's mind is still developing and it began during
the early stages of the last trimester.  Words train up a child in
the way that he should go.  Screaming words won't help much.  I
know that from personal child rearing experiences with my three
children.  Plus, it makes you look stupid and scares the child.
God didn't need to scream into the darkness of nothingness, He
just spoke.  Why?  Because words are creative.  You don't think
that's true?  Have you ever had your feelings hurt?  Someone
spoken hurtful words to you, didn't they?  It created a negative
emotional response which resulted in sadness, sorrow, and pain.
Have you ever laughed at a funny joke?  Why?  Words created a
positive emotional response.  How do you feel when complimented or
criticized?  See, words do still create, don't they?  Green thumbs
speak to their plants.  Ranchers speak to their cows.  Cowboys
rode around the herds at night they were driving to market and
spoke softly, and some sang, to calm the cattle to prevent any
type of a stampede.  We even train animals, especially dogs, to
obey voice commands.  Words work and they still create, in a
manner of speaking, today.

     There is yet another, I consider higher, form of
communication.  For years, in science fiction books and shows and
movies, it has been called mental telepathy.  Simply, it is a
wordless form of communicating, mind to mind or thought to thought
with others without speaking.  Even if not a single scientific
study has ever even proven mental telepathy works, I can prove it.
When my little sister and I were fiddling around and doing
something we knew we shouldn't be doing, like playing too loudly
in a nearby room while mom and dad were visiting with other
grownups in the living room, all it took was one look from dad, no
words spoken, and we clammed right up.  Of course, that isn't
exactly mental telepathy but it's a start.

     I suggested you read the first three chapters of Genesis,
especially the third chapter, because I personally believe that
Adam and Eve didn't have to verbalize to communicate with each
other or with the Creator God.  Read the chapters carefully and I
think you can see what I mean.  I could be mistaken, of course,
but I have a good reason why I think I'm correct.

     Let's jump right into the day Adam and Eve were created and
stop on Genesis 2:25 which says, "And they were both naked, the
man and his wife, and were not ashamed."  I would like to suggest
that this is perhaps one of the most confusing verses in all of
the Bible.  How many Sunday School children are taught to
memorize this verse?  I know I wasn't.  I know, the first time I
read the verses as a teenager, it caught my attention, sort of
speak, and made me stop and think.  Does it you, too, or am I all
alone in this situation?  Regardless, I have studied each word in
this little verse attempting to figure out how the two smartest
people who have ever lived on the planet weren't, apparently,
aware that they were naked.  I find that impossible to believe.
It isn't even logical.

     There are two answers.  First, they did know.  That's right.
Adam and Eve were well aware they wore no clothes.  The word for
"ashamed," or literally, they were not ashamed of their nakedness,
breaks down to this:  They were not confused about their nudity.
The depth of this meaning of the word "ashamed," carries with it
the idea that they were not confused about who God was, in light
of their nakedness, that is, they were aware of God as their
Creator, they were not confused of who they were, in light of
their nakedness, that is, they were perfectly aware of their own
individual identities, and they most definitely, as husband and
wife, both naked as jay birds as my mom used to say, were totally
and utterly aware of their own sexual identities as male and
female.  In short, they knew what to do.  Don't forget, God
Himself, their Creator, told them to be fruitful and multiply and
you know, and I know, God wasn't instructing them on diet nor on
the use of a calculator.  Think about it.  Wouldn't you say that
sexual intimacy between a husband and wife that love each other is
the highest form of telepathy known today?  In fact, I believe it
is a spiritual union experience that only a husband and wife in
love can share.  It is mutually exclusive and not for any one else
to experience.  Why?  God said, oneness occurs between a husband
and wife, they become one flesh, through sexual intercourse.
That makes sexual intimacy and expressiveness the most powerful
silent language a married couple can share.

     So, someone is saying about this time, "What in the Sam Hill
does this have to do with anything?"  Did you forget that we were
discussing mental telepathy?  Apparently so.  Well, let's get back
to that topic now.

     Some believe that Adam and Eve radiated something which might
be called theophanic light.  No, I'm not talking about the
metaphysical or paranormal or parapsychological ability to see
"auras."  I am talking about glorified bodies.  I am talking about
the glory of God.  I am talking about the Shekinah glory that is
God's eternal quintessence of being.  I believe this is His
complete holiness and righteousness and everything that is the
essence of God and is impossible for man to look upon without
instantly winking out of existence.  This illumination, radiance,
luminescence, shining, ethereal brilliance is indeed the essence
of God's existence and is very likely the same glowing burning
existence of the nature of his creation of mankind when He made
Adam and Eve.  I believe this essence of life clothed Adam and Eve
in a light we cannot understand.  Thus, they appeared, to the rest
of the world as gods, including fallen angels, Satan, and holy
angels still in Heaven, because they were made in God's image.
Notice I spelled "gods" with a small letter (g) and not a capital
letter.  Now, don't get bent out of shape because I am not one who
embraces a more New age theology that we are gods.  This concept
leads me to believe that when they communicated, talked,
vocalization was totally unnecessary.  Stop and think about what I
just said and then consider this question.  Does God need a
language or did He create language so we could commune with him?
Does God verbally communicate with us now as he once did with the
prophets, for example, in the Old Testament?  Keep in mind, until
the Tower of Babel, there was only a single language throughout
the world.  Then, because of their sin, and their high developed
intelligence to create evil, God scrambled their ability to
communicate through a single language.  And you thought God had no
sense of humor.  Regardless, don't you find the creation of other
languages curious?  I do.  I think even up to that point in time,
the vocal language was still so close to the original, that words
were still holy and incredibly powerful concerning the ability to
not only communicate but possibly to create in some way.  You can
take this as far as you wish or cut it off at any point because it
is largely my opinion.  I personally am convinced, on the other
hand, when we receive our glorified bodies, they will be even
better than what Adam and Eve shared at the moment of their
creation.  Furthermore, I also believe we will experience the full
capacity of our brains and minds.  Thus, my second point that Adam
and Eve and the Creator needed no language to communicate is based
upon total brain functionality but there is more.

     Reading from Genesis chapter three, seems quite ostentatious
concerning the immediate break down in communications between Adam
and the Creator at the very point sin was committed by them both.
The first time we are told about God coming to walk with his own
creation during the cool of the day, He, God, has to "call" for
them.  Wait a minute.  I thought God was omnipotent.  Didn't God
know where to find Adam and Eve or was something else going on?
He knew where they were, of course, but that part of Chapter 3
says that God had to call to them, that is, use words.  Could this
perhaps be the first time God the Creator had to use language to
communicate with Adam and Eve?  I think it is very likely.  In
fact, I believe it was God's way of proving to the man and his
wife that they had died.  Their brains no longer communicated via
the mind with the Creator.  They were dead, cut off, and alone;
their nakedness now apparent because they had no more theophanic
light which they had been given to them by God at the moment of
their creation.

     You all know the rest of the story so I won't belabor the
point.  I wanted to share this much information, however, to point
out that it is not at all strange to think, God the Holy Spirit,
speaks to us in our thoughts.  In a manner of speaking, we could
say, therefore, we have spiritual mental telepathy with God.
Simply put, the Bible calls this form of communications, prayer.

     From this point, we could dive headfirst into the New
Testament and I could point out many verses and Scriptural
passages relating to having the "Mind of God," and "the mind of
Christ," and many other such scriptures which I believe confirm
what God is trying to tell us.  "And what is that?" you ask.
Jesus told His disciples that He had to go back to Heaven before
the Holy Spirit could come and dwell within them.  When He came,
they were told, the Holy Spirit would guide them into all truth
and show them things to come.  You can read about all this in the
16TH chapter of John's Gospel.  My point is, according to Romans
chapter 8 in relationship to the Holy Spirit, we are told that He,
the Holy Spirit, makes intercession for us to God.  The Holy
Spirit Speak, that is, talks, or communicates, with the Father in
our behalf.  "Doing what?"  The Holy Spirit is talking with the
Father and the Son, who is our great intercessor, about God's
will, which is you, and how to develop the most spiritually
intimate relationship with us which passes all understanding.
Read it for yourself in Romans chapter 8:28-29 if you doubt what
I just said.

     Most people with whom I pray, try and tell me that they just
don't hear the Lord.  This isn't, of course, due to the fact God
isn't speaking.  It may not even be due to the fact they are not
listening.  Situations and circumstances beyond our control act
as a smoke screen, a barrier, wall, or in simplistic terms, just a
lot of noise which keeps us off balance and unable to focus
emotionally and mentally on Christ as the one in charge.

     Let me show you something in the Bible I always find quite
interesting.  I think this will shed a little more light on what I
am trying to say.

23  "Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover, in the feast
day, many believed in his name, when they saw the miracles which
he did.
24  But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew
all men,
25  And needed not that any should testify of man: for he knew
what was in man, (John 2:24-25).

     The Gospel of John focuses on eight miracles.  John concludes
his Gospel, on the other hand, by telling us that if all of the
works of Jesus were recorded in book form, the volumes would
overflow the entire world.  If you ask me, that's a lot of
miracles in three and a half years.  No, regardless of what you
may have heard or read or seen in a movie from noncanonical
gospels, Jesus did no miracles before He was filled with the Holy
Spirit or whom the Bible calls The Holy Ghost.  Don't become
alarmed with the word "Ghost."  That's just an old King James
English word which means "guest."  If you doubt what I said about
Jesus did no miracles before He was filled with the Holy Spirit,
read Matthew 4:1-11 and Mark 1:12-13 and Luke 4:1-14 and see what
you think.  Better yet, just read all four Gospels and then show
me just one miracle Jesus did before He was filled with the Holy
Spirit.  How long has it been since you sat down and read through
the Gospels anyhow but I digress.

     So, now, let me point out some words in John 2:23-25 that I
just quoted.

     First, verse 23 tells us that many believed in His name
based upon the miracles they saw.  That sounds good, doesn't it?
Not so fast, Quick Draw.  Check out verse 24 before you answer.
I'll quote it again right here so you won't have to go back in the
text to find it.

     24  But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he
knew all men.

     It is the word "commit" that I find extremely revealing.  I
looked it up in my Greek lexicon and guess what?  The word
"commit," which the King James translators used, is rendered in
the Greek as "believe."  You heard me, "believe."  Literally,
therefore, Jesus did not believe them.

     Two things must be immediately noted.  First, The word
rendered "commit" is used by John the Disciple exactly 100 times
in his Gospel.  You might find it interesting to note that John
does not use the word "faith" a single time throughout the entire
Gospel.

     Secondly, it is the same exact Greek word used as "believed,"
that is, "many believed in His name," in the previous verse.  So
what does that mean?  I think it means that people followed him,
saw his miracles, and believed in His earthly name, Jesus, and not
his eternal name, Lord and Christ or Messiah.  In other words,
they believe He was a miracle worker and not the Messiah.  Thus,
Jesus did not believe them in return.  Do you see it?  It could
also mean they did literally believe but only for their healing
but had no intention on following Jesus or living in Jesus.  Well,
this is just a side bar.  Let's get to the meat of this passage.

     The word "knew" is used in verses 24 and 25, "Because He
(knew) all men," and "For he (knew) what was in man," and they are
both the same Greek word.  It's meaning is (to know, understand,
to be well acquainted with,) and in the Old Testament, the word is
used as a Jewish idiom which refers to sexual intercourse.  I
thought that might get your attention.  Furthermore, it means (to
see with the mind's eye,) and (a mental perception.)  In essence,
Jesus did not believe these people were believing in Him, just in
His earth name as a miracle working man, and furthermore, he knew
them intimately.  How?  Through mental perception using His
(mind's eye).  Quite simply, Jesus knew their thoughts.  The
question then becomes, does he know our thoughts, too?  the answer
is, yes.

     If we have God dwelling in us in the form of the Holy Spirit
as Born Again Believers, then we have access, direct access, to
the Father God through our spirits.  The Bible confirms we have
become new creations in Christ.  This had to be done or the Holy
Spirit could not dwell within us.  Thus, the Holy Spirit can, and
does, speak to us, and so can God through His Son Jesus Christ.
What did you think prayer was all about in the first place?  Did
you think it was a one way conversation where you did all the
talking and expected no answer?  If so, that's one good reason why
you haven't been hearing the Lord in your mind or getting your
prayers answered.

     By this time, I suppose you think I have totally forgotten
where I began.  You know?  The story about the little boy
identifying himself as an ugly fish?  I didn't forget so let's
talk about that now.

     First, what the little boy said wasn't even logically true.
He was not a fish, he wasn't a flounder, and he wasn't ugly.
Beyond that, and most importantly, his conclusion was based upon
lies.  These were lies other children spoke to him about how
worthless and useless he was.  Apparently, his own family made fun
of him and God only knows how many horrible things they threw in
his face as he was growing up.  Most of all, the granddaddy lie of
all was the one the Enemy, a lying spirit spoke to him when he
said, "That's me.  I'm that ugly fish."  I know this was a demonic
lie the Enemy spoke because Jesus would never speak any such thing
into the mind of an adult, not to mention a 9 or 10 year little
boy.  When I heard this man tell his story about his childhood, I
instantly realized a little boy had been lied to by the Enemy.  He
turned out for good as a result so it backfired on Satan.  Many
other little boys and girls don't fair so well when they were lied
to as little injured children.

     Let's talk about how it works from a practical standpoint.
The Bible talks about taking every thought captive.  This command
used to frustrate me to no end.  How can you literally take every
thought captive.  You can't but God can.  How?  Learn to pray
until it becomes as natural as walking and breathing.  We don't
think about breathing at all, yet we do it or we die.  Walking is
natural and although our brain is alert and sending the command
signals, we are not aware of it.  Praying without ceasing and
taking every thought captive, is no different.

     Remember the man said, "That's me.  I'm that ugly fish."  He
then said, "I became a vegetarian from that moment on."  What have
you become based upon the lies the Enemy has spoken into your
thoughts?  Can you hear the Lord's voice speaking louder, and more
clearly, in your thoughts than compared to that of the Stranger
According to John 10:4 when Jesus said His sheep know His voice
and a stranger they will not follow?  What about that perpetual
guilt that just won't go away, or the grief that just puts you to
sleep at night with the weight of loneliness trying to crush the
life out of you, or the shame that you actually enjoyed it when it
happened, or the fear of the dark you still have as an adult?  Do
you walk in the newness of mind because you know how to pray and
how to listen for the voice of the Lord and how to recognize a lie
from the Enemy?  Are you walking in light or is it still darkness
even though you know you are born again?

     Learning to pray is not all that difficult.  That is why my
definition for prayer is "Exchanging our thoughts for God's."  It
is a talking and listening communication.  Praying and asking God,
that is making petition, I perhaps the easier part.  Often, the
problem of not receiving is based upon not being aware of His
eternal presence in your life and lies, many very old, hindering
us from hearing His voice, His answers, and His ways.  If you need
help getting started, let me know.  Also read the many other
articles and testimonies on my website and see how it works.