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My question was about my sister’s holiday meal…she promised a gf stuffing for me
then denied the promise and I was trying to decide what to do.  I got 80 or 100
thoughtful and interesting responses.  A huge number of us have these problems
and all who are affected should read through the selected responses below.  I
know it was very thought provoking for me and helped me decide what to do.
Thank you for responding, it was very moving to read all your personal stories.
 I’ve including anything I thought was really interesting, whether I agreed or
not.

I believe something new based on this experience.  Those of us who are allowing
our families to make us bring our own food and not eating it themselves, we are
allowing them to stay in denial about our disease.  They are forcing us to stay
isolated even as we are with them.  Do you really think it’s a big favor to ask
that they stuff the turkey with dressing I make and bring myself that tastes
the same?  Face it; most of us have become excellent cooks.  How can we expect
society to change if we can’t even get through to those who claim to love us?
I know most of you will disagree, but at least try to be open-minded and think
about it.  If this is too radical, try bringing the entire meal along so it’s
obvious to everyone that you’ve been left out.

Now for my decision.  I have decided that what is best for me is to arrive as
the meal is ending.  This way, I miss very little of the festivities and food
is no longer an issue for my holiday enjoyment.  This completely diffuses all
of the stressful issues for me.  It’s a long drive and I will be spending the
night, so I get the quality time with my sister and family.  This is the best
decision for me and I feel very good about it.  I wish I could eat with the
future in-laws but they live much too far away to do both.  Next year, we are
going to think about having our own dinner.  So far the reaction from my mother
on the late arrival has been fantastic, she will use my stuffing next time she
does the meal (I am happy to make it), and my sister is working all the guilt
angles she can think of but that’s just par for the course since she’s the
family martyr.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Summary:

The health issues were:  do not eat the turkey if it is stuffed with a
gluten-containing dressing, this is why I got sick last year.  Go to this
website if you stuff your turkeys for important considerations on salmonella:
http://www.fsis.usda.gov/OA/pubs/tbcook.htm   You must check the temperature
all over the bird before eating it.

I got a file containing recipes that promises to put an end to the refusal to
eat the stuffing.  Write me if you want it.
More than half suggest taking my own food and dealing with it.
A close second is that I should either go to the future in-laws, or go to my
sister’s but don’t eat there.
Some said that some of family may have celiac themselves
A few think I should simply turn the other cheek.
A few said to try to educate them about the disease
A few said eat before going then eat what I can there

Selected comments:

I am sorry to hear that your family is not willing to make a minor accommodation
so that everyone in the family can enjoy the meal.  Isn't that what sharing a
holiday and being a hostess is?  Being with family and making sure all your
guest are comfortable?

Take heart, you are definitely not alone.  My suggestion is to firmly line up
your priorities:  You're first, everyone and everything is next.  Your health
is paramount; because without it, you are restricted and compromised.  Convince
yourself of this, then tell your family where you stand.  You still love them,
but your life and your health come first (always).

I think, to say the least, that it is a huge shame that people cannot fix--once
or twice a year--a meal that everyone can eat without making someone sick!

I can only guess, but I don't think Dr. Laura would be too receptive to your
families attitude. BTW there is a bread made by Food for Life and sold at Wild
Oats, and some Natural food stores that should make good stuffing.

One thing I have learned is most people are just ignorant until they have to
deal with a similar situation.

You should try to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they don't really
understand how
excluded you feel.  What i love now about going to my sister's especially, is
that this is one place in the world where i don't have to shlep food along,
don't have to worry that mistakes will be made, and don't have to worry that my
kids will feel "different".

In my own experience I have been to parties/ meals where I was able to eat some
of the food and therefore many of my friends have not realized how strict I had
to be on diet until I went to a party/meal with them where I was unable to eat
anything.  This was when the real questions started, and I was able to explain
to my friends the seriousness of my disease and how strict I
had to be.  Chances are that your cousins and in-laws will simply never
care/remember if you do not have a close relationship with them and do not see
them often.

Your peace and happiness are your responsibility and you owe it to yourself to
take the best care of yourself possible.

And it is my problem, not theirs. I do want to get invited again

Someone said to me that is more selfish of them to not accommodate when they can
eat whatever they want 365 days a year.

If they are not willing to accommodate your needs to be healthy, well, maybe you
will see them for no-meal events. That thought alone would scare my Mom into
action because every family event is a meal event in our family. Ask them to
ask you questions and give them literature about how common the disease is and
what is safe food for you…..If you do go to your sisters house, bring a full
meal for you and make it a great looking meal. I wouldn't even mimic what she
is making. I would make a fancy, eye dropping, GF meal. At least that way you
will not get sick. Make it something great so they may start to realize that
your food tastes great too. This is a hard enough diet, I don't expect others
to know everything about it, but if they are not willing to accommodate your
needs they shouldn't mind if you do not show up…..The sad part is that my
friends are making a bigger effort than my family would ever make regarding
making GF meals that I can eat too…..I just don't understand why people
knowingly want to make a member of their family sick.

They don't see the big deal and you can't see why it isn't a big deal.  Suddenly
what started out as a food etiquette question has really blossomed into "how
can my family be so insensitive and uncaring".  I am sure your family would not
want you to feel so alone so here are my thoughts.  In the end it is still just
food we are talking about, not their love or support or caring. and the
Holidays are not about food but about family.  Enjoy your family steeped in
traditions and eat what you can or bring your own.  Years from now when you
tell of family holidays you want to share storied of love and laughter and not
whether or not you had gf stuffing.  The food doesn't define the spirit of the
Holiday or any other day, it is the feelings and I am sure there are still
plenty of good feeling to go around.  Be blessed by your fiancés mother and
know that people are
doing the best they can at the moment with what they have and know how to do.

…we basically split it up, ok..so we can't eat the stuffing, but we make a wild
rice dish that we can.  And the food is mostly split up half and half.  It's
very hard, but usually, I end up making a favorite dish or two of my own so
that there's something I can eat.  I really don't expect everyone to totally
conform for me, because I know I probably wouldn't be so willing myself.  So if
there is just one or two people, it's hard for everyone to change.

We also try to spend our holidays and time off with my family and others who go
out of their way to include him in meals.  This is not because we will only eat
with people who will cook for us.  Not at all.  We just feel it is only fair to
spend our limited time with those people who care enough to go to that trouble
for us.

Bottom line is that some people get it and other don't.  And, some never will &
don't care..  Only worry about what is in your control & let the rest go.  When
it is your turn to do a holiday, make everything g.f. & wonderful.  Lead them
to believe it is food they can eat because it is.

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives.  And if given a
choice, you wouldn't necessarily pick your relatives to be your friends.
Tolerate them when you have to & be nice anyway.

You can never expect anyone to understand or relate to your situation except for
another celiac...but I don't put that burden on anyone else. It is up to me how
I feel about myself and not what can be done for me because of it. I don't
expect anyone to cater to my situation. I educate when I can and my family
knows what it is all about. I stick to the items I can eat and pass over the
ones I cannot. The most important thing is being with family. You are lucky you
have one and someday they will not be with us anymore. We will only have the
memory of the time we spent
today on holidays and other special occassions

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