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You have every right to be hurt and angry.  It is unfathomable why your family
behaves the way they do.  But don't wear yourself out trying to understand the
unfathomable.  Remember that you, and not your family, are responsible for your
own happiness.  You should do what will make you happy, without being
deliberately hurtful to your own family.  If you are more comfortable at your
fiancé's, go there.  Just tell your family that you are doing it, but don't
tell them you are going there because of the food issue.  If I were in your
shoes, I think in the future I would just plan to celebrate the holidays with
my own family at times that didn't involve the big "meal"

....Mind if I go on a rant here?  In this country we make too much of "food" at
our holidays.  Our holidays become centered on food and food traditions, rather
than on being and doing things together.  It is my daughter, and not I, who is
the celiac in our family.  We try to keep our approach to parties and family
gatherings focused on who will be there and what there will be to do, rather
than what we are going to eat.  My own family has some food traditions that I
would LOVE to discard now that celiac is a part of our lives.  I will, some
day, when I'm in control of the menu, but for now, we just cook 2 versions of
some things and try not make an issue out of it!  Remember that "traditions"
can change and you can make it happen!  Instead of focusing on the
dressing/stuffing issue, do something different & interesting with the pie or
cake or congealed salad. Or make everyone a mini-breakfast bread to place in
their chair!

The section in Dana Korns' books addresses the family issue.  They will never
understand CD and is so frustrating.  I have changed expectations and I am now
pleasantly surprised when they do in fact get it.

My husband began calling, as it was his family, to see what was going to be
served.  If it was something I could not eat, he would say that we would not
come. Things changed right away.
But it is your family and you are the only one who can deal with it.  You have
to decide how important stuffing and consideration is in your life.  Is it more
important then eating with your family?

You're right - if the food is so important to them, then it's important to you,
too, and you have to go where you will be able to eat a healthy meal without
risk of getting sick.  I wouldn't put up with that at all.  It's hard enough to
be on this diet and surrounded by foods at holiday time that we can't eat...the
last thing we need is an attitude about it…..This is your body, your health -
not theirs.  If they can't understand that, then to the dogs with them.

But you should remember that for some people, traditions are the link that holds
their world together. My 16 year old daughter is very much that way. And being
her mother, I am able to understand why she stands on tradition so strongly. It
is a form of security for her.

Can you step back far enough to just look at how ridiculous all that food
politicking is?   When there are folks in the world who have nothing to eat at
Thanksgiving at all?  What it seems to boil down to is that someone (maybe
everyone) has to adjust their expectations about what food can and cannot do
for you/them. If I were you, I would go to the feast where I felt most
welcome/understood, because that is part of the Thanksgiving spirit.

Do you want to spend time with people who don't care about your needs? Is there
some reason you can't spend the day with the people you'd rather be with and
who do respect your needs? Recently, I stopped worrying about whether or not my
parents or siblings are unhappy with me. I am and adult...who cares?! If they
want to be angry...I let them. I can't do a thing about it and I've stopped
trying. I'm much happier this way. I don't do what they want, just because not
doing so might anger them. Life is short...I prefer to be happy and HEALTHY! If
they prefer to be bitter and negative, that's just too bad for them.

Can you get yourself a small bird (a capon, maybe?) and do your own stuffing at
home, roast your bird, them bring it to the folks?  I must say you're in a hell
of a position.....  I tend to avoid meals at homes where they won't / can't
provide for me, simply because it's TORTURE not to be able to eat what's on and
I avoid cheating by avoiding temptation.  I slide in after the meal.  Eating is
strictly limited to the homes where I can trust the cooking.

If you really value the family relationships I'm sure you will figure out a good
way to solve your problem in a way that will work for you.  If they end up
learning how to be considerate of your needs, all the better.

Yes, it makes me mad, and I wouldn't stand for it. It's very sad, but some
people are very passive/aggressive about food, and some families are
passive/aggressive about spending holidays at a certain place. That's bad
enough as is. But when it comes to your medically required diet and their six
years of refusal to understand the necessity of it, that's inexcusable. I not
only wouldn't go, I would tell them exactly why and be as blunt as possible.
Because the truth is, they care about their damned stuffing more than they care
about your life and health.

One thing I learned many years ago that has helped me deal with people like this
is (a) people do things for their reasons, not ours; and (b) the only control
we have is over how we react.

Make enough gf stuffing for everyone. Encourage everyone to have some & I'd even
go so far as acting offended if they won't try your contribution. Bring gf
treats or cookies or deserts also & if they won't try it then be really
offended & let them know you don't feel welcome & most likely won't be back
next year. This will put the burden on them & maybe some will come around &
be more understanding.

I think striking out for one's own health - I mean, being determined to
persevere in feeling good! – is very difficult in the face of such family
recalcitrance.  My solution was to go away, far away, and to stay there.
Contact over hundreds of miles does not entail stuffing, just sentiment
expressed verbally.  I find the whole thing a conformity issue.  My children,
now adult, have been very strengthened by my determination to break the family
pattern of giving in to not feeling well, to putting up with compromise so as
not to rock the boat.  You might have to rock the boat.

Since your sister and mother aren't really caring about your feelings I don't
think I'd worry too much about their reactions. I would say in a very polite
but clear way that since the meal has too many contamination problems that you
will join them later to visit for dessert. You of course will bring your own
(delicious) gluten free dessert. I would eat the meal at your fiance's where
people have your best interests at heart. I mean whats the point of eating at
your sisters if you become sick later and can't visit anyway,unless they want
to join you in the bathroom!! I also would like to say that on the back of
"The Gluten-Free Pantry's" Yankee Cornbread mix is the best Dressing/Stuffing
recipe  I've ever had and it is easy.

It's hard to believe that your own family 'forgets' about your dietary
restrictions.  The 'forgetting' says that you have always been at the bottom of
the list.  Have you always been the good girl who bows to everyone else's
wishes?

I know it will be hard but the best thing for your mental/physical health (in my
opinion) is to sit your family down and get all your feelings out.  Give them
the medical facts, print things out from all the websites, tell them exactly
how you feel when you get sick and how long you stay sick and explain how their
actions make you feel - ex. It hurts my feelings when you make a big deal out
of my stuffing because I get the impression that you don't care about my
health. Our food is just
like regular food, in fact it is food!  If this doesn't help then at least you
tried and I would hang out with your fiancé's Mom, she sounds great.  If they
miss you then maybe they will start playing by your rules.

I think somehow you need to smuggle lots of gluten free foods onto that table
without anyone knowing and see their reaction but don't tell.

I say, just don't eat stuffing at your sister's house.  You can do that for one
meal.  Then go to your fiances house and eat to your heart's content.  Or, as I
do, stuff my own in the bird after the holiday or even before the holiday so I
don't miss it!  Then, I can enjoy all I want of it without having to listen to
everyone's comments.

So I told her that I am will not deal with any place, be it a family home or a
restaurant, that will not accommodate my diet. This is how I live my life and
if she can not be at least as accommodating as the strangers who have helped me
on a daily basis that I saw no reason for visiting her home.

But the food we cook is darn good -- wheat isn't really good for anyone, so I
just treat it as if they insist on eating dog food or some other substandard
fare. Believe it or not, that approach works better than trying to explain
anything as a "disease" or "problem".  Think of the vegetarians you know: do
they APOLOGIZE for it?  Heck no! Nor do Atkins folks. They just say "I don't do
meat" or "I don't do carbs" and people understand…..The fact they can't
remember anything about you marks them as self-centered and not great hosts.
Which is true of most families, unfortunately. Do what you need to do to enjoy
yourself ... bring your favorite food, bring GF brownies, or stay home. But
don't expect THEM to make your day go well, it's unlikely to happen. There is
more to a get-together than food: identify what YOU are looking for, and see if
there is a way to get it.

I think you should go enjoy your christmas dinner with the people that truly
love you and welcome you into their family, just the way your are.

How much longer are you going to allow your insensitive family to walk all over
you? Do you not think that this will eventually cause friction in your
marriage?

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