Dina,

        Thanks for a most thoughtful response. I know I am not alone. I
hope you are doing well, today.

Bobby


>Hi all,
>
>I, too, have been trying to deal with a lot of my anger toward my CP over the
>years. I am more angry at what and how my family and the medical profession
>treated me because of the CP, not the CP itself.
>
>I also couldn't relate to the movies of myself walking after my second
>surgery throughout the years. We simply don't "feel that awkward when we
>walk." We have a picture in our minds of how we walk, and we do our darnest
>to make sure it's "normal." Facial contortions are not a part of my CP, so I
>have been lucky in that way, however, my speech is impaired due to my hearing
>impairment, not the CP. We all feel that we walk the right way and our bodies
>betray us. I read somewhere on the Net that some patients were shown videos
>of different walking patterns that exist with CP, and they could not
>correctly match their walking style to the ones that were shown. Yes, I feel
>very self-conscious in front of the mirror too. <LOL>
>
>I remember the loneliness and the pain and the anger that accompanied it
>whenever I was made fun of, laughed at during my younger school years.
>Fortunately as an adult, I have made friends with lots of wonderful people
>who "forget" that I have CP. I spent years in professional counseling in
>order to deal with the anger and to learn social skills. In my case, my anger
>was escalated by having a sister who was the "favorite" besides being deaf
>and a wonderful ice skater. Next to her, I was a "good for nothing, lazy,
>unmotivated person" who had absolutely nothing to offer to the world. I, too,
>am a "people pleaser" type of person in order to avoid any more pain being
>inflicted on me and that has a lot of drawbacks as well.
>
>My parents yelled at me constantly to "pick up my feet," told me how awful I
>walked, would never be able to ride a two-wheeled bicycle, to lose weight and
>etc. They also told me that the memories that I have of the painful alcohol
>nerve block injections and surgeries "didn't happen that way." I was
>"imagining things" and I didn't know what I was talking about. Unfortunately,
>they also realized that I happen to have a very good memory. I guess they
>figured if they "denied it" then it didn't happen. I also have a lot of
>physical scars in addition to the emotional scars to prove that it happened.
>
>I know that I denied that I had any pain during PT because my PT was the kind
>that said, "Good, it's supposed to hurt!" So I would grind my teeth and bear
>it. I couldn't stand that kind of attitude. I sure was glad to get rid of her
>the first opportunity that I had and don't regret it for one second. However,
>my ortho never gave me any meds to deal with the physical pain that I had in
>my feet while growing up because of the surgeries I had. I'd let the anger
>simmer inside of me and then once or twice a year, sometimes less than that,
>I'd explode and everyone would get angry at me, so I was in trouble if I
>didn't say anything or if I said anything. Damned if I did and if I didn't.
>sigh.
>
>The psychologists that I have worked with know that I am telling the truth
>about what I went through because "one doesn't come up with stories that are
>painful" to bring up and they knew that I was still "stuck" in the event as
>it actually happened. They could feel and see it happening as I told it to
>them. My parents have constantly told me that "they did the best that they
>could" and have absolutely no regrets for what they did and how they treated
>me. They deny any sense of "favoritism" which still exists until today, but I
>have gotten better about it. smile.
>
>I can say that horseback riding therapy along with having empathetic people
>in my life has helped me to "heal the wounds" as well as being on line. I
>think the important thing for the parents of the younger ones to realize is
>that all of these things affect us tremendously and that our sense of self
>and esteem is far more important than how we compare to others who are NDA
>and whether or not we can walk. The issue is to help us to be the best that
>we can be and functioning human beings in society. They need to realize that
>we are all very special people with unique talents to offer and to help us
>find those things that can make us shine.
>
>I also feel that we shouldn't have had to spend so much time around the
>medical profession and that alternative therapies have a lot more to offer
>than "being cut up and fixed" so that we "look more normal and etc."
>
>No, I have never been on medications for depression even though I have been
>there and done that many times. Nor have I ever resorted to drugs and alcohol
>to deal with my pain and anger and sure do understand where you are all
>coming from. Sometimes that is the only way people can deal with issues,
>however, in the process of discovering oneself and how unique each one of us
>are, we can heal. Having a group of people in the same boat sure helps a lot.
>Have a GREAT day!!
>
>
>Dina