Hi all,

I, too, have been trying to deal with a lot of my anger toward my CP over the
years. I am more angry at what and how my family and the medical profession
treated me because of the CP, not the CP itself.

I also couldn't relate to the movies of myself walking after my second
surgery throughout the years. We simply don't "feel that awkward when we
walk." We have a picture in our minds of how we walk, and we do our darnest
to make sure it's "normal." Facial contortions are not a part of my CP, so I
have been lucky in that way, however, my speech is impaired due to my hearing
impairment, not the CP. We all feel that we walk the right way and our bodies
betray us. I read somewhere on the Net that some patients were shown videos
of different walking patterns that exist with CP, and they could not
correctly match their walking style to the ones that were shown. Yes, I feel
very self-conscious in front of the mirror too. <LOL>

I remember the loneliness and the pain and the anger that accompanied it
whenever I was made fun of, laughed at during my younger school years.
Fortunately as an adult, I have made friends with lots of wonderful people
who "forget" that I have CP. I spent years in professional counseling in
order to deal with the anger and to learn social skills. In my case, my anger
was escalated by having a sister who was the "favorite" besides being deaf
and a wonderful ice skater. Next to her, I was a "good for nothing, lazy,
unmotivated person" who had absolutely nothing to offer to the world. I, too,
am a "people pleaser" type of person in order to avoid any more pain being
inflicted on me and that has a lot of drawbacks as well.

My parents yelled at me constantly to "pick up my feet," told me how awful I
walked, would never be able to ride a two-wheeled bicycle, to lose weight and
etc. They also told me that the memories that I have of the painful alcohol
nerve block injections and surgeries "didn't happen that way." I was
"imagining things" and I didn't know what I was talking about. Unfortunately,
they also realized that I happen to have a very good memory. I guess they
figured if they "denied it" then it didn't happen. I also have a lot of
physical scars in addition to the emotional scars to prove that it happened.

I know that I denied that I had any pain during PT because my PT was the kind
that said, "Good, it's supposed to hurt!" So I would grind my teeth and bear
it. I couldn't stand that kind of attitude. I sure was glad to get rid of her
the first opportunity that I had and don't regret it for one second. However,
my ortho never gave me any meds to deal with the physical pain that I had in
my feet while growing up because of the surgeries I had. I'd let the anger
simmer inside of me and then once or twice a year, sometimes less than that,
I'd explode and everyone would get angry at me, so I was in trouble if I
didn't say anything or if I said anything. Damned if I did and if I didn't.
sigh.

The psychologists that I have worked with know that I am telling the truth
about what I went through because "one doesn't come up with stories that are
painful" to bring up and they knew that I was still "stuck" in the event as
it actually happened. They could feel and see it happening as I told it to
them. My parents have constantly told me that "they did the best that they
could" and have absolutely no regrets for what they did and how they treated
me. They deny any sense of "favoritism" which still exists until today, but I
have gotten better about it. smile.

I can say that horseback riding therapy along with having empathetic people
in my life has helped me to "heal the wounds" as well as being on line. I
think the important thing for the parents of the younger ones to realize is
that all of these things affect us tremendously and that our sense of self
and esteem is far more important than how we compare to others who are NDA
and whether or not we can walk. The issue is to help us to be the best that
we can be and functioning human beings in society. They need to realize that
we are all very special people with unique talents to offer and to help us
find those things that can make us shine.

I also feel that we shouldn't have had to spend so much time around the
medical profession and that alternative therapies have a lot more to offer
than "being cut up and fixed" so that we "look more normal and etc."

No, I have never been on medications for depression even though I have been
there and done that many times. Nor have I ever resorted to drugs and alcohol
to deal with my pain and anger and sure do understand where you are all
coming from. Sometimes that is the only way people can deal with issues,
however, in the process of discovering oneself and how unique each one of us
are, we can heal. Having a group of people in the same boat sure helps a lot.
Have a GREAT day!!


Dina