Denise,  This explains it.  Thanks , Perk





----- Original Message -----
From: Denise D. Goodman <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, November 06, 1999 11:22 PM
Subject: Denial& Perk's Question


> Perk: I think when we share our ideas and feelings it is a very good
thing.
> It would help me very much if you could tell me what you think about
denial.
> It would help me very much.  Anyway, I'm going to try and answer your
> question again.   Here goes:
>
> When I denied being disabled, what I did was just pretend there was
nothing
> wrong with me.  (Like Steve said he pretended too)  I know it might sound
> silly, but a person can really fool themselves.  If you want to believe in
> something bad enough, you just can trick yourself until you honestly
forget
> you have cerebal palsy!
>
> Steve also said, "Life's tough enough with CP.  Pretending CP isn't there
> makes life tougher."  He's right!  When I was kid and even when I was like
24
> years old, I was still pretending I walked straight, not all herky-jerky.
> Perk, when you were a little girl did you believe in monsters?  Did you
ever
> know a little kid who REALLY believed in monsters?  If you are young, it
is
> easy to be scared and truly believe there is a monster under your bed.
Even
> if all your friends and all the grown-ups try to tell you not to be
scared,
> or there are no such things as monsters, you still can't sleep without the
> light on because you really think there is a monster and he's gonna 'get
> you.'
>
> I believed in a big bad monster!  Do you know what that monster was?
Well,
> my monster was letting myself believe I was disabled.  I was just too
scared
> to stop pretending.  It didn't matter that the doctors told me I had cp,
or
> that all the kids made fun of how I walked and called me a cripple.  I was
SO
> scared of my monster, of letting myself believe I was disabled, I fooled
> myself into forgetting - or denying- I had cerebral palsy.
>
> Perk, did you ever have a hard time learning to do something?  When I was
> young, I had tons of trouble trying to learn fractions in math.  Everyone
> else in my class learned to use fractions right away.  Not me.  It took me
> almost two months longer!
>
> Well, just like when you are a kid in school, sometimes it takes you
longer
> to learn a lesson even when you are an adult.  It took me longer to stop
> believing in my monster.  My life was much harder when I was still
> pretending.  Since I didn't believe I had cp, I didn't know what to do
when I
> started having even more trouble walking.  When I was about 27 I started
to
> fall down all the time.  I was tripping and falling at work.  I was very
> embarassed and scared.  I didn't know what to do!
>
> I finally had to stop pretending I wasn't disabled, because there was an
even
> scarier monster!  I was scared to death because I didn't know how much
worse
> I would get.  I was scared I would need crutches or a wheel chair.  I was
> scared because I never needed anything like that before.  If you needed a
> wheel chair or crutches when you were a kid, then you know it is nothing
to
> be scared of, but I hadn't learned that lesson.
>
> Once I stopped denying- pretending- I wasn't disabled my whole life got
> better!  Because I finally let myself believe I had CP, I learned a hard
> lesson (like math).  I learned I could talk to other people who had
cerebral
> palsy, like here on the list.  Perk, did you ever hear the song, "You
light
> up my life" or maybe you saw the movie ET and know the song, "Turn on your
> heart light?"
>
> Well- I think of everybody here I can talk to on the list like a big
bright
> light.  All friends with cp, we share and talk about our problems.   All
of
> the good, bright shiney people with cp I talk with are like a great big
night
> light.  So now, I'm not scared of the monster anymore!  I not scared to
say
> "I have cerebral plasy."
>
> Perk, you might also want to read the post from Stephen Margolis, about
> Denial.  He explains things better than I did.  What he said, is how I
feel
> too.  Please,Perk, write me back and tell me if this explains what I said
> about denial.  Thanks!  Denise
>