Perk: I think when we share our ideas and feelings it is a very good thing.
It would help me very much if you could tell me what you think about denial.
It would help me very much.  Anyway, I'm going to try and answer your
question again.   Here goes:

When I denied being disabled, what I did was just pretend there was nothing
wrong with me.  (Like Steve said he pretended too)  I know it might sound
silly, but a person can really fool themselves.  If you want to believe in
something bad enough, you just can trick yourself until you honestly forget
you have cerebal palsy!

Steve also said, "Life's tough enough with CP.  Pretending CP isn't there
makes life tougher."  He's right!  When I was kid and even when I was like 24
years old, I was still pretending I walked straight, not all herky-jerky.
Perk, when you were a little girl did you believe in monsters?  Did you ever
know a little kid who REALLY believed in monsters?  If you are young, it is
easy to be scared and truly believe there is a monster under your bed.  Even
if all your friends and all the grown-ups try to tell you not to be scared,
or there are no such things as monsters, you still can't sleep without the
light on because you really think there is a monster and he's gonna 'get
you.'

I believed in a big bad monster!  Do you know what that monster was?  Well,
my monster was letting myself believe I was disabled.  I was just too scared
to stop pretending.  It didn't matter that the doctors told me I had cp, or
that all the kids made fun of how I walked and called me a cripple.  I was SO
scared of my monster, of letting myself believe I was disabled, I fooled
myself into forgetting - or denying- I had cerebral palsy.

Perk, did you ever have a hard time learning to do something?  When I was
young, I had tons of trouble trying to learn fractions in math.  Everyone
else in my class learned to use fractions right away.  Not me.  It took me
almost two months longer!

Well, just like when you are a kid in school, sometimes it takes you longer
to learn a lesson even when you are an adult.  It took me longer to stop
believing in my monster.  My life was much harder when I was still
pretending.  Since I didn't believe I had cp, I didn't know what to do when I
started having even more trouble walking.  When I was about 27 I started to
fall down all the time.  I was tripping and falling at work.  I was very
embarassed and scared.  I didn't know what to do!

I finally had to stop pretending I wasn't disabled, because there was an even
scarier monster!  I was scared to death because I didn't know how much worse
I would get.  I was scared I would need crutches or a wheel chair.  I was
scared because I never needed anything like that before.  If you needed a
wheel chair or crutches when you were a kid, then you know it is nothing to
be scared of, but I hadn't learned that lesson.

Once I stopped denying- pretending- I wasn't disabled my whole life got
better!  Because I finally let myself believe I had CP, I learned a hard
lesson (like math).  I learned I could talk to other people who had cerebral
palsy, like here on the list.  Perk, did you ever hear the song, "You light
up my life" or maybe you saw the movie ET and know the song, "Turn on your
heart light?"

Well- I think of everybody here I can talk to on the list like a big bright
light.  All friends with cp, we share and talk about our problems.   All of
the good, bright shiney people with cp I talk with are like a great big night
light.  So now, I'm not scared of the monster anymore!  I not scared to say
"I have cerebral plasy."

Perk, you might also want to read the post from Stephen Margolis, about
Denial.  He explains things better than I did.  What he said, is how I feel
too.  Please,Perk, write me back and tell me if this explains what I said
about denial.  Thanks!  Denise