FPAFM by Francis Warfield

I ordered ham and eggs, as I always do on the diner, and then, as I
always do, looked around for pamphlets. There was one handy. “Echoes
from Colonial Days,” it was called, “being a little fouvenir iffued from
time to time for the benefit of the guefts of The Baltimore & Ohio
Railroad Company as a reminder of pleafant moments fpent . ..”
Involuntarily, my lips began to move. I reached for a pencil. But the
man across from me already had his pencil out. He had written:

“Oh, fay can you fee?”

I said: “Fing Fomething Fimple.”

“Filly, ifn’t it?” he said, and kept on writing.

I wrote: “Fing a Fong of Fixpence.”

“Oh, ftop the fongs,” he said. “Too eafy.” He wrote: “The Courtfhip of
Miles Ftandifh,” “I fee a fquirrel,” “I undereftimate ftatefmanfhip,”
“My fifter feems
fuperfenfitive,” and seeing that I did not appreciate the last one,
which he evidently thought very fine, he wrote: “Forry to fee you fo
ftupid.”

I ate my lunch grouchily. How could I help it if he was in practice and
I was not? He had probably taken this train before.

“Pafs the falt,” I said.

“Pleafe pafs the falt,” he triumphed.

I paid no attention. “Waiter!” I said. The waiter did not budge.

“You muft fpeak the language,” said the man opposite me. He called out:
“Fay! Fteward!”

The waiter jumped to attention. “Fir?” he said.

“Pleafe fill the faltcellar.”

“The falt-fhaker fhall be replenifhed inftantly,” replied the waiter,
with a superior gleam in his eyes.

I smiled and my companion unbent a little.

“Let’s try for hard ones,” he invited.

“Fure,” I said.

“Farcafm,” he said.

“Fubftance.”

“Fubfiftence,” he scored.

“Fcythe:’ “S’s inside now,” he ruled.

“Perfuafive,” I said instantly.

“Languifh.”

“Bafilifk:”

“Quiefcent”

“Nonfenfe,” I finished. “Fon of a fpeckled fea monfter.”

 “Ftep-fon of a poifonous fnake!” he cried.

“You don’t fay fo!” I retored.

“I do fo fay fo!” he replied, getting up and leaving the diner.

“Fool!” I called after him, fniffling.

From A Subtreasury of American Humor, E. B. White and Katherine S. White
editors, Coward-McCann, NY, 1941.

XXX Shaman