The Crucifixion Considered As An Uphill Bicycle Race
by Alfred Jarry
From The Selected Works of Alfred Jarry
(Grove Press, 1965).
Translated by Roger Shattuck.
Barabbas, slated to race, was scratched.
Pilate, the starter, pulling out his clepsydra or water clock, an
operation which wet his hands unless he had merely spit on them --
Pilate gave the send-off.
Jesus got away to a good start.
In those days, according to the excellent sports commentator St.
Matthew, it was customary to flagellate the sprinters at the start the
way a coachman whips his horses. The whip both stimulates and gives a
hygienic massage. Jesus, then, got off in good form, but he had a fiat
right away. A bed of thorns punctured the whole circumference of his
front tire.
Today in the shop windows of bicycle dealers you can see a reproduction
of this veritable crown of thorns as an ad for puncture-proof tires. But
Jesus's was an ordinary single-tube racing tire.
The two thieves, obviously in cahoots and therefore "thick as thieves,"
took the lead.
It is not true that there were any nails. The three objects usually
shown in the ads belong to a rapid-change tire tool called the "Jiffy."
We had better begin by telling about the spills; but before that the
machine itself must be described.
The bicycle frame in use today is of relativelv recent invention. It
appeared around 1890. Previous to that time the body of the machine was
constructed of two tubes soldered together at right angles. It was
generally called the right-angle or cross bicycle. Jesus, after his
puncture, climbed the slope on foot, carrying on his shoulder the bike
frame, or, if you will, the cross.
Contemporary engravings reproduce this scene from photographs. But it
appears that the sport of cycling, as a result of the well known
accident which put a grievous end to the Passion race and which was
brought up to date almost on its anniversary by the similar accident of
Count Zborowski on the Turbie slope -- the sport of cycling was for a
time prohibited by state ordinance. That explains why the illustrated
magazines, in reproducing this celebrated scene, show bicycles of a
rather imaginary design. They confuse the machine's cross frame with
that other cross, the straight handlebar. They represent Jesus with his
hands spread on the handlebars, and it is worth mentioning in this
connection that Jesus rode lying flat on his back in order to reduce his
air resistance.
Note also that the frame or cross was made of wood, just as wheels are
to this day.
A few people have insinuated falsely that Jesus's machine was a
draisienne , an unlikely mount for a hill-climbing contest. According to
the old cyclophile hagiographers, St. Briget, St. Gregory of Tours, and
St. Irene, the cross was equipped with adevice which they name
suppedaneum. There is no need to be a great scholar to translate this as
"pedal."
Lipsius, Justinian, Bosius, and Erycius Puteanus describe an other
accessory which one still finds, according to Cornelius Curtius in 1643,
on Japanese crosses: a protuberance of leather or wood on the shaft
which the rider sits astride -- manifestly the seat or saddle.
This general description, furthermore, suits the definition of a bicycle
current among the Chinese: "A little mule which is led by the ears and
urged along by showering it with kicks."
We shall abridge the story of the race itself, for it has been narrated
in detail by specialized works and illustrated by sculpture and painting
visible in monuments built to house such art. There are fourteen turns
in the difficult Golgotha course. Jesus took his first spill at the
third turn. His mother, who was in the stands, became alarmed.
His excellent trainer, Simon the Cyrenian, who but for the thorn
accident would have been riding out in front to cut the wind, carried
the machine.
Jesus, though carrying nothing, perspired heavily. It is not certain
whether a female spectator wiped his brow, but we know that Veronica, a
girl reporter, got a good shot of him with her Kodak.
The second spill came at the seventh turn on some slippery pavement.
Jesus went down for the third time at the eleventh turn, skidding on a rail.
The Israelite demimondaines waved their handkerchiefs at the eighth.
The deplorable accident familiar to us all took place at the twelfth
turn. Jesus was in a dead heat at the time with the thieves. We know
that he continued the race airborne -- but that is another story.
XXX
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