* - Abbott & Costello at the PC Store*

If you remember the classic comedy routine "Who's on first" by Bud
Abbott and Lou Costello, the following puts them in the 21st century.


ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No; my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I'm here to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and some software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No; on the computer. I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know; run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay; what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes; for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows. Let's say I'm
sitting at my computer and want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about word for a minute. What do I need if I want
to watch a movie on the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Now what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's along movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay; so I'm at my computer and want to watch a movie. What do
I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course, it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows.

ABBOTT: No; just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes; although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part
of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind. I don't want to get started with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have
to help me with my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly and no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well; it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful but I'll be running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: MYOB? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No; that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
You know ..... accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay? Let's forget about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might....what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I do to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in the Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But that's three words in.....oh never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh
well.....Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

--
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