Michael,  That was a "Depends moment" if I ever read one!!!!!!  Ruth




At 12:21 AM -0500 1/7/06, [log in to unmask] wrote:
I entered the busy State Commissioners  office;and there was a pool of
secretaries furiously working away crunching down some sort of  proposed
legislation .

The head Woman secretary came out of closed doors in one of  those lambs
wool sweaters with the small  gold Timex  pinned to her third button
location, wearing sensible shoes  and her hair in a silver  bun ,

She peered over the top of her glasses at me ;as if I was late to class and
then listened intently as  I was introduced by an aid who included a long
list of my credentials  as if i was a contender in the third bout .The last
credential  was  "Crack Expert; a new one on me but I let it float "

"Crack expert " she repeated loudly for the room to hear  and with that
every woman in the place stopped  furiously typing and looked up at me  .
"Are you really a crack expert ?" they all began to ask individually and
together
"We never had a real crack expert " said the tall red head with the pointed
bra behind the pink  sweater .
 She had one of those smug smiles that says "Fine for parking "  Trouble if
i ever saw it . .

But I wasn't having any of it . I was here for business . I mean I wanted
the job ;to investigate the cracks that's it  ;  and so  thought nothing of
it when i said  that
"I was there to investigate their cracks".

There are moments  in life when you can hear a pin drop and this was one of
them .
Pencils twirled on lips and toes tapped aggressively in black  heels as
eyeliners narrowed on what little manhood I had left .

With a dopey smile I shuffled my feet and  sweated bullets  like Sponge Bob
square pants .I couldn't think of  what to say  Say something cute and your
dead meat ,act dumb and your out the job .  .

The magnanimity of my stupid yet innocent statement was wrapping itself in
desperate around my neck .My mind raced and no words were  forthcoming ,in
desperation I coughed cleared my throat and coughed again , then  again
thinking the physical interruption  might save me .

It did .
Silver Bun  came to my rescue with a  Dixie cup full of cold water from the
cooler,and  I downed it in three long drafts ,and was just clearing the
last of it   when the Red Head who never skipped a beat asked from her desk
"Will you be checking our walls then ?"

Somehow the timing of this question  inverted the water from my throat into
my nose;bulged my eyes , and produced  a large spray of water  to
erupt  through  my nasal septum  as if I were a garden spout.  .

Gasping for air like a horse  I stamped and whinnied  around the room
pounding my chest;and fighting off a  coughing jag that was  splitting  my
sides .

"Poor dear " I heard as I was fighting to get  my wind back
 "Maybe he is allergic to our cracks" "

That was it ; my air was now  trapped in my  larynx ,Unable to breath
 I stumbled out the door like a drunkard and into the arms of the brick
mason  who had made my recommendation .
He assisted me to the men's  where I was  coughing so hard  that  I had to
pour cold water on my face to  stop  it while he assisted me in cleaning up
.

In doing so we noticed two large cracks in the terrazzo flooring and as a
diversion we talked about them  and discussed their  repair . That helped
immensely. I was settled down .
When we got back to the room they all asked my if I was ok ,I assured them
that I was then they asked the brick mason   where we had been and what
took so long .

"Checking  our cracks in the men's room " was his unfortunate  reply. Py






--
Ruth Barton
[log in to unmask]
Dummerston, VT

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