One year I was getting ready to head back to college in upstate NY when my
sister asked me to bring her cat (kitten), "Phil" to her school.  I really
didn't want to as I am not a cat lover, but to keep the peace I reluctantly
agreed.  After all, her school was within 20 miles of mine.

Our agreement was that she would make sure the feline was fed that morning
and would go to the vet to get kitty sleeping pills.

When I arrived at my fathers house to pick up Phil, my sister was long gone
and my father was just feeding it.  Naturally, I hit the roof but my father
assured me that all was fine.  After the cat had eaten I went into the
kitchen to check on it and found it foaming at the mouth.  My father in all
his genius had fed it a chopped-up Nytol pill.  Yada, yada yada. . .me and
my room-mate put the cat in a box and all of us hop into my Chevy Sierra
Classic Pickup truck and head off.

As we were on the Clearview Expressway approaching the Throgs Neck Bridge
Phil went buckaroo bonsai and escape from the box.  He headed into my jacket
and under my shirt.  He seemed to mellow out so I let him be.  Halfway
across the Throgs Neck Bridge my chest and stomach suddenly felt very wet
and warm. . .(don't tell me the damned cat peed on me!).  I open my jacket
and am hit with a repulsive stench, namely feline diarrhea.  Well I couldn't
open my window fast enough but my room-mate, Ed, was very upset because the
window crank was missing from his door.  I removed the crank from my side
while still traveling 65-75 mph across the bridge and pulled my head inside
the cab just long enough to hand the handle to him.

For some reason, still beyond my understanding, I inhaled prior to getting
my head back out the window.  The stink was too great for even me and I
power-puked all over the windshield.  With that I grabbed Phil by the scruff
of the neck and held him over the LI Sound as we continued to barrel across
the bridge.

If I only had a picture of the toll clerk!  Once safely through the toll
plaza I pulled over to the side of the road and stripped naked, oh yea, I am
now in the Bronx.  I got a change of clothes from my suitcase and cleaned up
the trucks' cab as best as possible.  Phil was put in and empty suitcase and
spent the rest of the 3-4 hour trip in the bed of the Chevy.

About 4 years later, both my sister and I (and Phil) were out of school and
living at my fathers house.  One morning at about 5am I'm coming home from a
night of knocking back beers and shots.  As I approach my turnoff from
Jericho Turnpike suddenly a pair of red eyes shoot across my headlights and
the car makes a muffled thump.  I pull over and walk back to see a smooshed
Phil in the road.

I said my good-byes to the little kitty, pick him up by the left rear paw,
and dropped him down the nearest sewer.  I never again thought of nor spoke
of that night until today.

Thanks for the memories Ken.  Meow.


----- Original Message -----
From: Ken Follett <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 1999 6:19 PM
Subject: Cat Barf


> Cat Barf
>
> Despite the Humor Czar I really liked the reference to cat barf. Since my
> wife is allergic to cats we have not had any around the house since the
last
> one got run over by a truck. I miss the cats, we used to have a bunch of
> them. Hearing about cricket barf made me pine for the good old days.
>
> ][<en