Dear list members,
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M`s (sent
to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating
the fact that the year 2000 is `MM` in Roman numerals)when I ran into a
friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been
served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is
predictable, since as everyone knows, there`s no actual chicken in Kentucky
Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to
KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep, and when he awoke he was in
his bathtub, and it was full of ice, and he was sore all over. When he got
out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN!! He saw a note
on his mirror that said `Call 911!` but he was afraid to use his phone
because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his
computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled
`Join the crew!` He knew it wasn`t a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in
which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00
Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It`s true
- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was
also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would
forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911
from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line
first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access
to the phone line at the guy`s expense. Then reaching into the coin-return
slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped
around a note that said, `Welcome to the world of AIDS.` Luckily he was
only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is
dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to
send him an e-mail, and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a
nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails. One of them
was a bunch of x`s and o`s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and
forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck, but for 10
people you will only have OK luck, and if you send it to fewer than 10
people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy
tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another
car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at
him, and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all
the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms.
If you don`t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his
Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from
the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, you wife will develop breast
cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms,
and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this
is all true `cause I read it on the Internet.

I think this covers them all!
L