Very funny...  I can see you laugh as you write.  Thanks for making my day.
I'm off to listen to our sled team of Island Boys.  They have more fun
working than most do managing and all do golfing.  I have one question:  Do
we recognize all "craftsmen" by their floral patterned attire and preference
for plastic and rubber clothing, or just the rasta-rakers?

Thanks,
Leland
-----Original Message-----
From: ARWNY <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
<[log in to unmask]>
Date: Friday, April 24, 1998 3:06 PM
Subject: Performance Specification - Joint Raker


>Performance Specification - Joint Raker: For raking of joints hire a
>dreadlocked bodhisatva that speaks no English. Preference is for an
individual
>that is recently naturalized, with a ready smile and a forever cheery
>disposition. Body piercing a plus. This individual, who will be dressed in
>gaily patterned Bermuda shorts, neoprene soled sandals, titanium blue
blockers
>and a Bullwinkle tank top, is to be provided with several tubes of
all-natural
>avocado blend sunblock cream, a Plexiglas joint roller with a supply of
extra-
>thin papers and a pouch of stale Bull Durham. He/she will be required to
sign
>for a company issue yard rake.
>
>Early morning stationing, until the midmorning break, is to be at the
>southeast corner of the roof. As the day progresses, and the angle of
sunlight
>shifts from behind the elevator bulkhead, the joint raker will be required
to
>move in a circular motion ending, toward the northwest orientation with a
>double-reverse loop. When the joint is raked and all ballast rotated 120
>degrees, the craftsperson is to repeat the transversal motion until such
time
>as retainage or the bladder is released. Frequent pauses are to be made in
>order to scatter flakes of wind-blown tobacco over the roof in an attempt
to
>roll a cigarette with one hand flapping.
>
>At all times the joint raker is to maintain a safe working distance from
the
>pointers who will be leaning over the parapet. It is the responsibility of
>pointers to indicate with extended arms the consensual activities occurring
in
>apartment windows adjacent to the project site. Pointers will not be
permitted
>binoculars, but will be allowed semaphore and camcorders.
>
>Joint rakers are to be trained to move slowly. Exertion and speed will not
be
>permitted to overstep decency and/or a rigid adherence to quality control.
>Bellies are not to be exposed to laceration. In the event that suits are
>sighted on the roof the raker is to feign an ecstatic bliss while slowly
>extending the rake 23.27 inches forward and reversing inward toward the
body
>with an angle from 49 degrees to 73 degrees, the sum total of the motion
>taking a maximum of 55 seconds and a minimum of 42 seconds. Observations
will
>be made with an infrared inclinometer inserted in a nearby cavity, and
>frequently monitored by the site-supervisor for temper.
>
>A large bamboo rake from Home Depot, 89 Lumber, True Value or equal, is
>acceptable. Power rakes are verboten, nada, nixed, not to be used. Metal
>and/or plastic rakes, capable of leaving unsightly marks on the substrate,
>will not be permitted.
>
>The craftsperson will be required to demonstrate an acceptable level of
>competence in operation of a non-powered rake. Failure to demonstrate
>competence, dexterity, and an appropriate level of ennui, to the
satisfaction
>of the gravel conservator, will result in the use of hands. Discipline will
be
>harsh and blunt. Blocking is not an accepted remedy to avoid nose bleeds.
>Pupils are to be kept within the bounds of the face at all times. No
giggling
>or running away. No biting.
>
>Ferules spliced with duct tape will be cited for non-compliance with OSHA
>regulations. Records must be kept for 30 centuries. Scrolls are to be
turned
>over to the DOL upon expiration or termination, whichever comes first.
>
>][<en Follett