Performance Specification - Joint Raker: For raking of joints hire a
dreadlocked bodhisatva that speaks no English. Preference is for an individual
that is recently naturalized, with a ready smile and a forever cheery
disposition. Body piercing a plus. This individual, who will be dressed in
gaily patterned Bermuda shorts, neoprene soled sandals, titanium blue blockers
and a Bullwinkle tank top, is to be provided with several tubes of all-natural
avocado blend sunblock cream, a Plexiglas joint roller with a supply of extra-
thin papers and a pouch of stale Bull Durham. He/she will be required to sign
for a company issue yard rake.

Early morning stationing, until the midmorning break, is to be at the
southeast corner of the roof. As the day progresses, and the angle of sunlight
shifts from behind the elevator bulkhead, the joint raker will be required to
move in a circular motion ending, toward the northwest orientation with a
double-reverse loop. When the joint is raked and all ballast rotated 120
degrees, the craftsperson is to repeat the transversal motion until such time
as retainage or the bladder is released. Frequent pauses are to be made in
order to scatter flakes of wind-blown tobacco over the roof in an attempt to
roll a cigarette with one hand flapping.

At all times the joint raker is to maintain a safe working distance from the
pointers who will be leaning over the parapet. It is the responsibility of
pointers to indicate with extended arms the consensual activities occurring in
apartment windows adjacent to the project site. Pointers will not be permitted
binoculars, but will be allowed semaphore and camcorders.

Joint rakers are to be trained to move slowly. Exertion and speed will not be
permitted to overstep decency and/or a rigid adherence to quality control.
Bellies are not to be exposed to laceration. In the event that suits are
sighted on the roof the raker is to feign an ecstatic bliss while slowly
extending the rake 23.27 inches forward and reversing inward toward the body
with an angle from 49 degrees to 73 degrees, the sum total of the motion
taking a maximum of 55 seconds and a minimum of 42 seconds. Observations will
be made with an infrared inclinometer inserted in a nearby cavity, and
frequently monitored by the site-supervisor for temper.

A large bamboo rake from Home Depot, 89 Lumber, True Value or equal, is
acceptable. Power rakes are verboten, nada, nixed, not to be used. Metal
and/or plastic rakes, capable of leaving unsightly marks on the substrate,
will not be permitted.

The craftsperson will be required to demonstrate an acceptable level of
competence in operation of a non-powered rake. Failure to demonstrate
competence, dexterity, and an appropriate level of ennui, to the satisfaction
of the gravel conservator, will result in the use of hands. Discipline will be
harsh and blunt. Blocking is not an accepted remedy to avoid nose bleeds.
Pupils are to be kept within the bounds of the face at all times. No giggling
or running away. No biting.

Ferules spliced with duct tape will be cited for non-compliance with OSHA
regulations. Records must be kept for 30 centuries. Scrolls are to be turned
over to the DOL upon expiration or termination, whichever comes first.

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