On Tue, 28 Oct 1997, Beverle Sweitzer wrote:

>   Get a grip guy!.  What does your weight have to do with it?

        Everything.  I've been the object of hatred all my life.  People
love the tactile sensation that comes from thier hard fists come in
contact with my soft, cusionny flesh.  As time went on the torment went
from physical to psychological.  I'm not at all used to people liking me.
In fact, it is a little unnerving and I will subconsiously (and sometimes
consiously) seek to make sure they don't.  When people are nice to me I
get suspicious.  Being fat later in life is a discomfort.  Growing up fat
is hell.


> Can you
> make a girl laugh?

        Only if I don't try.

>  Can you make her feel good about herself?

        I have no idea.

> Can you
> find anything to make you feel good about yourself?

        I can, but the physical reality of a functionally dysgenic
phenotype (I say functionally because based on the Gilded Age it seems to
be culteral phenomia based partly on the ability of the tragically thin to
sell clothing).

> I am 51 years old
> now and married.  When I was younger I was a very nice looking woman and
> could have my choice  of admirers.  Their weight - even their appearance
> in general had nothing to do with anything.  They had to be fun and
> interesting.

        That's why I mentioned artistic talent.  The last girlfriend I had
(1992) was dating an artist before me, and her Physchic Friend told her
that her eventual soul-mate was blond and in a band.  I am a -very-
interesting person, that's for sure.  But the combination of hyperlexia
<http://www.hyperlexia.org> and stunted social devolopment from an
enforced ostricism are killers.  Honestly, pretty girl, did you ever date
a 300lbs nerd?

>  Please, please don't put your life on hold until you lose
> weight!  You will never have a life because you will never be happy.
> You are basing your happiness on tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.

        It will come.  My plan is to look as good at age 30 as Arthur
DeVany does at age 60.  I've lost 70 lbs so far and am no longer "too big"
for everything.  I can fasten my winter coat for the first time in three
years.  When I am at school, the writing platform attached to the chair
will actually lie parallel to the ground.  Before I had to arrange two
left handed chair-desks and write on the one to the right of where I was
sitting.  One time I has chair desks where the dek part would not swivel,
I spent half the class time sitting on the windosill!  After the first
test, the teacher gave me a real chair and desk instead of a chair-desk to
sit at.
        If I can loose 70 lbs, I can loose 170 lbs.  I can get down to
under 200 lbs and then, who knows?  I am reminded of the one Saturday
Night Live skit from back when it was funny when Eddy Murphy "infiltrated"
white culture by disguising himself as a cuacasion.

>  Be
> warm, sincere, honest, complimentary, giving, fun and sharing and you
> will find friends and dates wherever you go.

        Some people speculate that obesity is a type of physical armor
that screams "don't touch me."  To -genuinly- exhibit those qualities
would make me feel tremendiously vulnerable.  I'm cold, gaurded, silent,
elitest, selfish, morose and distrustful.  Oh, I'm a nice person "inside."
But who wants to get through the character armor when the physial armor is
so repulsive?

>  Make the most of the way
> you look now.  Clean, good smelling <g>, neat and well-groomed in
> general.  You don't want to be around anyone who judges you solely on
> your weight.

        True, I don't want to be around anyone who judges me by my weight,
and I am a misanthrope.  But I'm not a loner.  I'm lonely.  Fat culture is
few and far between, and I am so painfully shy around women that I would
find it difficult even at a sci-fi convention to ask anyone out.  If I was
gay, I would not want to date what I see in the mirror, and that fact
resounds when I even dream of engaging in hetrosexual pairbonding.

>  Cultivate the interior and stick with the people who look
> for and see your soul.

        They say beautity is only skin deep.  I want to be beautiful.  I
want to be superficially attractive.  And I want people who are
superficially attracted to me.  Chefs say that the first bite is taken
with the eyes.
        To be honest I would be repulsed by anyone who made fat jokes even
if I was down to 150 or less with a pelvis that could be used as an edged
weapon.  But there is a world of difference between acceptance and desire.