>FROM:  Christopher Morrill  ([log in to unmask])

>Dear Deborah,
>
>Reading your "Long" letter about Zephyr (April 26/28), I'm reminded of
>your words to me a year ago:
>
>> You and Zephyr are both cut from the same cloth.  Neither
>> of you have ever sustained an emotional/sexual intimacy
>> longer than a few months.  You don't know what it is about
>> or what it requires, you're both into impulse gratification,
>> you're both scared, desperate, needy, afraid to commit ...
>> hence the attraction to Instincto and group sex.
>
>Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot.  After faulting Zephyr for
>his defective capacity to commit, you now contemplate -- in the public
>glare of the Internet, no less -- that it's already time to leave this
>man.

Why are you saying this so meanly?  Where is your compassion
Christopher?
>
>"Our future is currently in question," you write, slapping Zephyr with
>an ultimatum:  to ship out or fundamentally reshape his character.

As my teacher Kerry King would say, "Who's giving who the ultimatum?"
 You're intelligent Christopher, why would Deborah do such a crazy
thing unless there were justifiable grounds.  Do you think because
you find no fault with my character, or only at moments which you
find stimulating because it presses your buttons and makes you feel
our relationship is special, that for Deborah to find serious fault
with it must mean she's slapping me with hysteria?

>"Time will soon tell whether the changes _he_ believes _he_ has
>undergone as a result of _his_ illness become demonstrated in [_his_]
>life."  One looks in vain for any promise of growth and change on _your_
>part.
>
>In painful truth Deborah, it's you who lean to serial monogamy, not
>lasting bonds.  It's you who toyed with another man at Pangaia (a move
>that tormented Zephyr and wounded the other).

Come on Christopher.  That's just a bunch of yellow journalism crap.
I initiated the non-monogamous sexuality.  I urged it, almost
demanded it.  I don't think you realize how insecure and willing to
deny her own true feelings Deborah is.  At that point she would do
anything to stay with me.  I didn't realize she was lying to us and
herself, maybe lying is not fully accurate, but stretching herself
unhealthily out of fear of losing me rather than a desire to expand
relationship.  She has confessed to me that much of this fear based
false activity was present in the sexual/sensual aspects of her
relationship with you while the three of us were together.  Maybe the
anger you feel is that deep down you feel lied to.  You have a right
to feel outraged, but I don't believe it is compassionate to take
your whipped tongue to Deborah for it.  Eye for an eye will make the
whole world blind, eh?

>It's you who went
>traveling with one of your several ex-boyfriends when Zephyr was too
>sick to walk, talk, or pee in a pot.

Now I know you're crazy Christopher.  That's the biggest bunch of
double speak I've ever seen on the list, more than NFL ever could
muster.  Deborah went to Tulsa for the anniversary of her very dear
Father's death.  Fred went with her to support her and buffer her
from her mother, who she has a challenging relationship with.  To
tell the story the way you did is so misleading.  Are you eating
cooked food again?  How could your brain allow this to come through
unedited?

>
>And it's you, Deborah, who introduced yourself to Zephyr by writing this
>in the Natural Hygiene M2M:
>
>> Can't wait to meet you.  We have so much in common.
>> The difference is that you are taking action to incarnate
>> what I yearn for yet fear. ... Oh how I yearn for,
>> within monogamy, that type of sex you're talking about --
>> Tantric, bonding, infant, surrender, yes [sic]. ...
>> Come down south where it's warm(er), and check it out.
>> I doubt you'll find enough people to do what you want
>> here, but I can introduce you to some, and I'll be very
>> curious to watch what happens and participate in
>> whatever way feels right to me. ... Does everyone
>> [at Pangaia] want sex all the time? ...
>> I'm very very interested.
>
>Coming from an older woman -- wealthy, experienced, and polished by a
>Ph.D. in psychology- such talk was sure to have an impact on your
>impressionable 26-year-old conquest.

Except that I didn't know diddly about Deborah and it in fact had no
particular impact on me.

> Now that Zephyr has grown ready to
>promise the bond you demanded, will you cast him off like stale food?

Demand?  What an odd word for the need to have bonding.  More like
crave, starving for, deserve as a human.  Unexpressed jealousy
Christopher?  Envy?  Rage?  Direct this stuff where it can do some
good, not at scathing one of your better friends.

>Will you prove once again as fickle with your lover as you are with your
>on-again-off-again eating trips?
>
>You report heartache over Zephyr's desires for multiple sexual partners
>and communal living.  And after choosing a man with no means of support,
>you lament his financial dependency.  But you of all people, Deborah,
>knew what to expect from this crusading idealist.  You edited and
>published his book.

This is the most coherent paragraph you wrote.  It's true that she
knew what she was getting into, but she and I made our "decisions"
about being together not based on logic, but irresistible whole body
feelings.  Truly, if I were looking through a singles list and read
Deborah's honest bio I'd probably pass, but that is the mind, not the
heart.

>Why exploit this forum to broadcast your off-topic marital resentments?

Since when is honest expression to people one feels affinity with off
topic?  Who forces who to read anything?  Give it up Christopher.
Come out of your vicious mind and be vulnerable.  What about you and
your feelings, hurts, wants.

> What did you expect to gain?  Under color of a public-spirited
>testament on your boyfriend's illness, you embarrass us with a veritable
>Dear John letter, a self-congratulatory confession of what you call
>"imbalanced" intimacy.  Isn=92t your halo hanging a bit heavy on your
>head?

You just wish you had a lover Christopher.  I imagine you have so
much energy around her and I because I'm the last and sadly maybe
only person to give you real honest love and companionship.  Your not
going to recreate that experience by trying to eliminate the
competition, in fact a letter like this makes me want to pull away
from you more, not nurture you and love you.  I know you feel
incomplete, and I know you are creating a family of sorts for
yourself.  If you want to support family and intimacy and healing
both Deborah and I are here for that, but if you want to
narcissistically show off how witty and cruel you can be we'll be at
McDonald's.
>
>Spare me the one-sided account of your saintly forbearance and Zephyr's
>rankling unworthiness.

Again Christopher, who forced you to read anything.  Admit to your
own desire for any crumb of information about me and our life.  You
like the food, it keeps you going.  But I believe you can do much
better than this.

I am sad and confused by the distancing between you and Deborah,
truly.  I wish we were all one big happy family as the fantasy goes,
and yet I know there are damn good reasons and beyond reasons that
this isn't happening.  All three of us hold an equal piece of this
circumstance.  Maybe you can't admit to yours and want to shame and
blame Deborah.  Maybe you don't have the guts to lay into me because
you fear I'll abandon you the way you feel abandoned by Deborah.  I
want you to be complete on this experience, Christopher.

>Spare Zephyr your demeaning metaphor of
>mothering a stray dog.  And spare us, please, your unbecoming exhibition
>of conjugal one-up-manship.  Save it for the bedroom, if that's what
>turns you on.

Phuck you.

>Sincerely, <--------- Z:  This is a lie

>Christopher

Angrily,

Zephyr