>Amateur Archeologist
>
> Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things
> out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
> Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are
> actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters
> is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
>~~~~~~~~~
>
> Paleoanthropology Division
> Smithsonian Institute
> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC 20078
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
> "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
> We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
> and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
> represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
> Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
> what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
> one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
> "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
> thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
> certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
> the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
> However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
> of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern
> origin:
>
>
>      1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
> are typically fossilized bone.
>
>      2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
> cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
> identified proto-hominids.
>
>      3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
> consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
> "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
> wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
> of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
> history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
> rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
> let us say that:
>
>           A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
>                that a dog has chewed on.
>           B. Clams don't have teeth.
>
> It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
> request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
> to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
> partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
> recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
> dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
> to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
> your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
> Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
> the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
> personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
> your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
> species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
> like it might be Latin.
>
> However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
> fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
> hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
> of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
> effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
> special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
> you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
> staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
> digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
> eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
> proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
> Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
> you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
> fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
> the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
> discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
> Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
>
>                               Yours in Science,
>
>
>                               Harvey Rowe
>                               Curator, Antiquities
>
>

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