JL:
>Now, some questions:
>Do you sometimes make exceptions too, or did you choose to refuse
>systematically all the invitations?
>Did you tell all your friends that you are a raw-foodist? What are their
>reactions? Do they think you are really weird, or are they more open minded?

I'm surprised there hasn't been more action on this thread. It is a classic.

When we were at Burger's chateau a women was telling me how lucky we are in
the USA because Americans can just do their own thing and everyone is so
open and free from tradition, whereas in France the culinary tradition was
so strong (every Sunday a "Thanksgiving spread" and so on). I suspect there
was truth in amongst the exxageration. Nevertheless, the social problems of
a raw diet remain the big stumbling block for many many folks, in the USA
or not.

Being the hardheaded sort I am, I never really cared much about pleasing
the other fellow by eating a particular way. I considered a raw salad (no
dressing) to be an exception--and was uncomfartable making such a
"compromise" at a restuarant--for the first year or two of instincto. I
haven't made a cooked exception for many years and don't plan to until I
experiment with cooked leafy greens down the line. (No--I remember a time
in Bangkok when Melisa wanted to have some steamed cauliflower and I joined
her in eating it. I puked the next morning after feeling car sick in a taxi
and the cooked cabbage taste was prominent.) In almost eight years I can't
remember but a couple occasion where I wished I ate normally. I feel
comfortable bringing raw food to a restaurant or social/family gathering
and letting people gawk if they must. No one ever calls me names (to my
face). I feel the most important thing is to somehow put the other fellow
at ease by 1] not talking about food issues, 2] offering to share!, 3]
letting them know directly or indirectly that you hold them in no disregard
whatsoever for eating whatever they want. Meredith Westfall, who used to
post a bit on this list, mentioned once that she would say something like,
"I'm a little fanatical about what I eat" and that that seemed to help put
the other person at ease--it put the responsibility on her and took it from
the other person, who could then relax, thinking, "OK, she's weird about
food for some reason." I thought that was a great technique since it also
removed (to a degree) the other person's "guilt" about eating a cheesecake
or donut or whatever, while she ate something "healthy".

I like to say as an "excuse", after making a pest out of myself at a
restaurant to assure a truly raw salad is served me: "Doctor's orders"
while shrugging/frowning as if I sure as shooting didn't _want_ to peck at
a raw salad but what can I do--the medical industry has me by the short
hairs. This is very satisfying to me somehow (especially since I really
don't want to peck at a raw salad and would rather be eating some salmon) ;)

I never talk about the "diet" during a meal though it is often asked about.
I just say, "Ask me again later". Often later never comes, and if it does,
they are probably truly interested to bring it up again.

I bring something I can eat to potlucks. No big deal.

It seems everyone I know knows how I eat so it is no longer an issue
really. If you just eat raw the _first_ time with a friend, the "worst" is
over.

We aren't on anyone's A-1 party dinner party list, but we don't live in a
shell either. We go out with people, not for the food, but for the company.
Faking your way through a wedding reception meal or a cocktail party is not
really so very difficult. Being invited to someone's house is probably the
most difficult thing to deal with. We often suggest another non-food
activity (if we really want to spend some time with them ;)) Our
established friends don't mind us at their dinner table (nor them at ours).
It is just the way it is--some people don't drink alchohol--I don't drink
alchohol or eat cooked foods.

Melisa, on the other hand, found the social stuff very difficult and still
does but to a lessor degree with more and more experience. The underlying
thinking went like this I think: I want to "fit in". If I eat weird I
won't. So in order to be accepted (loved) I will eat what they're eating.
But after years of this, she realized slowly that they didn't love her for
it, that it was just food, raw or cooked. Now she is more in control of the
situation. She could always choose to eat raw or not, but before, _either_
way she was all wound up about it. If she ate cooked, she was "failing",
etc, and if she ate raw she was the weirdo/uncomfortable. Now, she can more
easily choose either without all the baggage. At the last Christmas meal
with her family (1996), she had decided beforehand to eat salad and
(cooked) lamb. And she relished it. And I was next to her curious as to how
it was tasting (great, but garlicy), did it have a stop (nope), etc. This
doesn't sound like much, but believe me it was a landmark for both of us.

Looking back I realize I had four stages from my end. 1] Trying to convince
her to experiment with all-raw, 2] Disappointed/angry when she would make
an exception, 3] Mad "only" that she would lie to me about exceptions, and
4] letting her be about it.

1 and 2 were simple immaturity and I finally realized that she had every
right to eat whatever she wanted, and that whether she ever got "over the
hump" was more up to her than me. This took me about three years or four
years to realize (!), and then I spent another three years trying to get
her to be honest about exceptions (3). In the last year or so I have come
to accept that she has every right to lie about what she eats if she wants
to, and I have been surprising myself by letting it be when she smells of
an exception. Perhaps not surprisingly, with the "freedom to lie" she feels
less need to do so. Looking back, we shake our heads at what incredible
bunglers we were with the whole thing--at times close to splitting--not
entirely over raw food, but it was always there in one way or the other.
I'm looking forward to stage 5, though I have no idea what it will be!
Melisa, however has been looking forward to stage 4 since the whole mess
started ;) though I had to tell her about it several minths after it
arrived since she didn't realize it (I simply wasn't "confronting" her
about it).

>Personally, I only talked about my diet to a few friends, and, among my
>relatives, only my parents know about it. One of my friends thinks I am
>a vegetarian, and when he invited me, the menu was spaghetti with cheese
>(the worst items from an instincto point of view)!

Yeah! So many people think we are vegetarians, even after we explain we are
not.  Of course, there is no great bonus in telling everyone you meet that
you relish RAF ;)

As far as telling folks: one way might be to say you're experimenting with
a strange diet, and you are trying to stick with it very strictly in order
to evalute how well you do on it. If you end up staying with it, you can
explain that as well, but the idea that it may be time-limited is usually
comforting (and probaly true!) to others (and oneself perhaps), and besides
giving you some room to be weird in, makes it seem like a grand
investigation more than a save-the-world or recover-the-ancient-secrets
agenda. Hopefully, that's what it is anyway...

Cheers,
Kirt