I changed the title of this article and added some to it.  So it has been
modified somewhat.  It is also now on my website under the testimonies link.
For those interested in reading it again to see what the changes were, I
decided to go ahead and post it on echurch.

God Talk


                         By Phil Scovell



     It is difficult to write about something that, for many
years, has made you feel like a failure.  The key word here is
"feel."  As I have learned, however, being a failure is a lie of
the enemy to keep God's people spiritually unbalanced.  The sooner
we learn its origin in our life, the sooner the anxiety will
leave; never to return.

     At my age, 51 years old, the last thing you need is pneumonia
on top of once of the worst flue epidemics in Colorado history.
Yet, I found myself exactly in that situation.  I was a teenager
when last I was that sick.  This time, however, my age played a
role in my recovery and bouncing back quickly wasn't going to
happen as rapidly as when I was younger.

     After partially passing out, falling, and sustaining some
physical injuries, I was taken to the hospital by my family.  Your
oxygen saturation at normal breathing room levels runs about 94 to
96 percent.  At the emergency room, mine was only 82 percent.
That means I hadn't been breathing well for a couple of days.
After x-rays it was felt I had both the flue and pneumonia and I
was admitted to the hospital that night.

     I tried sorting out spiritually what was going on but when
you reach a certain degree of sickness, it becomes almost
impossible to see things clearly.  After three horrible days in
the hospital with no sleep, deep depression came and began making
its claims and I felt helpless to stop it.

     One of the difficulties of being an intercessor sometimes
becomes separating your own feelings and pains from that of those
with whom you pray.  Add the element of severe illness to the mix,
and it becomes difficult, if not down right impossible, to discern
your unresolved woundedness with that of those with whom you have
prayed.  There are ways, of course, for an intercessor to insure
they have cast the burdens of those with whom they pray over on to
the Lord but again, blend in the severity of an illness, and your
spiritual reasoning ability becomes more and more difficult to
discern.  this is why accountability is so vital in an
intercessory prayer ministry.

     In my case, as previously mentioned, after of three or four
days of high fever, the inability to take in enough oxygen, and
many other factors, depression rolled in upon me like a good old
Iowa afternoon thunderstorm; complete with all its brilliant
lightning, thundercrashing, torrential rains, and high winds.
this alone caused even greater confusion because I was unable to
spiritually discern how much of what I was feeling was my own
woundedness or that of those with whom I had recently prayed.  I
was stuck, therefore, with the inability to discern and the
depression grayed and blackened.

     One afternoon, my wife took off work to come and sit with me
in the hospital due to the deepening of the depression she saw
developing.  I had spent the morning with my younger sister, who
had come to visit, and I told her all sorts of my feelings just
trying to locate the key which would give me a handle on the
origin of the depression.  I figured talking about how I felt
might give me a clue.

     When my wife arrived later that afternoon, however, the same
conversation ensued.  We spoke of many things but the thing that
seemed to take focus the most was our daughter who is living on
drugs and alcohol.  My heart was broken and I could feel the
woundedness of my heart for her crashing in upon my emotions with
titanic force.  My desires, that she would return to God, somehow
seemed being overridden and I was unable to localize the source.

* Fear

Coupled with this attitude, of course, is deep seeded fear but we
rarely recognize that fear as a parent because we are too busy
being a parent and worrying about the well being of our children.
This masks the true nature of why we feel the way we do about a
given relationship of this nature.  In my case, I felt the failure
of not being able to bring my daughter to a rewarding and joyful
relationship with Christ.  The drugs and alcohol, immorality, and
the street mentality seemed to be winning against the Creator of
the universe and leaving me feeling helpless and insignificant.
Not a good combination, and with already being so desperately ill,
I began to honestly wonder if this might not be the time of my
death.  Yet I refused to die because my daughter wasn't right with
the Lord.  I likewise feared the Lord might take her.  Try
carrying around that sort of fear for any length of time and see
how heavy it becomes.

     As my wife and I continued to talk of many family related
things, the Lord suddenly spoke to me.  I felt I would be praying
to the Lord about Gretchen, our daughter, that night as I lay
awake in my hospital bed and I said so to my wife.  It wasn't an
idea; it was an internal feeling that I felt as if it had just
been implanted inside of me.  I knew it was going to come to pass
and I was helpless to make it any different; we would talk that
very night about my daughter.

     Getting up and wheeling my IV cart into the bathroom with me,
I close the door and in the quietness of the little room, again
the Holy Spirit spoke to me and confirmed we would soon be talking
about Gretchen.  I prepared myself the best I could.  I honestly
thought the Lord was going to reveal to me that He was going to
take my daughter out of this world for her sinfulness and that
our talk would be the Lord preparing me for the inevitable.  ; sin
brings forth death (See James 1:15).  I considered that this would
occur in the late hours of the night when it was quiet and I was
alone with the Lord and my thoughts.

     Returning to bed, I lay down.  The phone rang and since my
voice was hoarse from coughing so much, my wife answered it for
me.  As I lay on my back listening to Sandy talk to a friend,
suddenly the Lord spoke to me with a force I had never experienced
before.  I cannot explain exactly how it sounded because He, the
Lord, actually spoke no words to me.  This is often how I hear
from the Lord but this time, the force of His silent voice felt
like it was coming deep from within His universe and was loudly
directed, not into my thoughts, but into my spirit.  I repeat, it
was not in my mind or mental thoughts.  As weird as it may sound,
it felt as if the largest pair of lips you have ever seen were
talking to me just inches from my chest.  Yes, I said, my chest.
"Why my chest?" I wondered.  Later I realized the Lord was in fact
talking into my spirit and my head had nothing to do with it.  I
said it was weird.

     "You are here in this hospital," I heard, "for one reason
and one reason only.  Would you like to know what that is?"

     Keep in mind, I am extrapolating the single feeling I had.
I did not hear these words but what I felt, if translated into
words, came out as I am describing them here.  What I felt, not
heard, was a single impression which carried with it the meaning
you are reading.

     "Yes," I said, "why am I here?"

     "You are hear for one reason only and that is because you
will not turn your daughter over to me.  Will you give me your
daughter now?"

     This shocked me because I did not realize I had not given my
daughter to the Lord but once the Lord spoke the words, I knew I
was in bondage to my daughter and that's why the Lord was unable
to work with her.  In short, I had an evil soul tie which had
developed between me and my daughter which I had not dealt with
yet.  I will talk about evil soul ties later, how they work, and
how they continue to create unholy relationship even among those
who love each other but that will have to be in another article.

     I said, "Yes, Lord.  I am ready to give her to you now.  But,
Lord," I said, "What might you do to her?"  You see, I was still
under the influence of the demonically based bondage.  I was
afraid the Lord might take her from me.  I wanted God to deal with
my daughter under my terms.  I didn't want her to get HIV and
later AIDS or get busted up in a car crash or injured by being
beat up in another bar fight.  I wanted things to go more
perfectly for her benefit.  I secretly had my own ideas of how God
should go about doing His business and this was totally
unacceptable to Him as the sovereign Lord of the universe and the
soul Creator of my daughter.

     His reply was, "Are you willing to trust me now?"

     This was a difficult decision because the Lord, I realized,
was not obligated to tell me anything other than what He had thus
far.  I new the only thing that would save my daughter was going
to be my full and unequivocal surrender of her over to the Lord
and turning loose and letting her go into the Lord's care.  I
said, "Yes, Lord.  I will trust you.  But what about the children,
Lord?"  This was my fear of total dependence upon the sovereign
Lord and ruler of all things.

     Once again, he said, but this time more forcefully, "Will you
trust me?"

     I sighed heavily and felt the time had come.  "Yes, Lord, I
will trust you.

     "And you won't worry about your daughter in more?" I heard
the Lord ask.

     Now wait just a minute, I thought.  How can I, as a parent,
not worry about my children; especially my daughter.  Still the
forcefulness was there.  God wanted a commitment from me because
I knew He was cutting a covenant with me concerning my daughter.
My subservience to Him was based upon my confession that I would
not worry.  I finally submitted to His will and said I would not
worry but to forgive me for my parental concerns when they
manifested.  I knew in my heart that the Lord was not worried
about my parental concerns but about taking the responsibilities
for my daughter upon myself and placing them upon Himself.

     The powerful presence of the voice of God left me.

     No wonder my mind wasn't getting to the root of the problem
because I was using intellectual reasoning, and not spiritual, to
try and get at the root of the deep depression I felt.  because my
spirit was already in full agreement with the Creator God, the
Lord knew that speaking to my spirit man, and bypassing my
intellectual thought processes, I would understand Him more
quickly.  This was, without a doubt, the forcefulness behind the
communication I experienced.

     Only about a minute had passed and the depression was
already beginning to dissipate from my clouded mind.  The summer
thunderstorm was passing and within another five minutes, the
darkness of the depression was totally gone and never came back.
Now I was back to just being sick again.

     that night, my fever broke and The next day, my fever dropped
even more and I began feeling better.  By the next day I was
home.

     I felt no weakness or extra fatigue yet I was still taking
medications for pneumonia and the flue.  There was no doubt in my
mind I went to the hospital because I was sick and had caught the
flue and pneumonia.  Yet, it was also true I had gone for a far
greater purpose.  I still carry a burden for my daughter but it
isn't heavy any longer because I know it is the responsibility of
the Lord to bring my daughter back, not to me, but back to
Himself.  I had a statement I was making for many months
concerning my daughter; I wanted her to come back to me.  That was
a worried and concerned parent speaking out of his own woundedness
triggered out of other painful unhealed areas of my life.  Jesus
did not want me in bondage to that unholy philosophy so He took it
from me.

* Suffering

     Does God make people sick today just to get their attention?
I do not honestly know the answer.  I do know God runs the
universe without any of our help or advice.  I know God wants my
daughter more than I do.  I know, as sick as I was in the
hospital, and as bad as the depression was that came upon me, God
came to me and set things straight in a very powerful way which
set me free.  Other than this, I am ignorant as the next person,
theologically, in this area of doctrine.  I do know the Lord
doesn't overlook our suffering and that our suffering is
identifying with His suffering.  Lots of Charismatics don't like
to believe that.  As a Charismatic, I sure don't.   Some day we
can all ask him.

     I want to discussed the nature and purpose of an evil soul
tie which can, and does, occur even in Christian relationships of
various types.  However, before that, I think it necessary to
focus on the one root cause that appeared in my situation with my
daughter and that was how guilt became the binding factor of the
evil soul tie even without my knowledge.  This is why I am leaving
the topic of an evil soul tie, or an evil covenant, for another
article.

* Guilt

     Fear is always a good trigger mechanism that can easily lead
us to the original source and root of a problem.  If fear is
present, that is.  In my case, fear masked the truth.  Fear of
dying, fear of my daughter dying, fear my grandchildren might be
stricken with illness or even taken by the Lord due to the
sinfulness of my daughter, fear of dying and leaving my wife
alone, and even fear of dying and letting people down once again.
This was all more woundedness left to be healed in my life and
fear was triggering it by the truck loads in the hospital.  Fear,
however, was not the problem but the byproduct hiding the root
cause.  This I knew but my high fever and physical sickness got in
my way of discernment.

     As I sat in a recliner that night, the depression totally
gone, I thought of the day's events and the amazing communication
I had experienced with the Creator God.  As I let my thoughts
drift around what I had learned, I suddenly recognized the evil
soul tie between my daughter and I which had been created and it
was that evil soul tie holding me in bondage to her.  It was time
for it to be broken in order that God could do His work in my
daughter.  What was the lie which kept the evil soul tie in place?
"It was my fault.  I was guilty of not doing a good enough job
raising my daughter for the Lord.  I wasn't spiritual enough or
close enough to God to reach the Heavenly Father with my needs
which concerned the spiritual well being of my daughter."  These
were all lies which were manifested through guilt and the demonics
love amplifying and fortifying such lies.

* I Was Afraid Of God

     Somewhere, and somehow, over the years, we have lost our fear
of God.  Nobody seems afraid of Him any longer.  Odd, though.
Many Christians are afraid of Satan and demons.  Why do you
suppose that is?  It is due to lie based thinking.  The enemy
plants lies within our thoughts which we come to believe.  This is
the reason why guilt and fear and anger and sorrow and most other
negative emotions refused to go away even after the sin has been
confessed and forgiven.  Additionally, the fear of the enemy
indicates a lack of the fear of God.  Consider this passage.  "And
fear not them who kill the body, but are not able to kill the
soul: but rather fear him who is able to destroy both soul and
body in hell" (Matthew 10:28).  Yet many Christian confess they
are fearful of the demonic realm.

     In this personal testimony, the Lord put me through something
physically in order to get my attention.  I thought all this time
I was pretty spiritually sensitive, too.  Yet circumstances were
getting in the way.  Additionally, I took upon myself more
responsibility than was humanly possible to bear; that of my
daughter coming back to God.

     As I lay on my back in the hospital bed, and the voice of the
Lord began to speak, I was awed by his enormity and power.  I was
afraid but not frightened.  I was aware, once again, of the
Creator of the universe speaking so this time I listened and when
it was all over, I obeyed and the depression evaporated.  I had
experienced the Lordship of my Saviour.  I learned that He loved
and wanted my daughter more than I ever could.  I learned He was
God and I wasn't.

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