Relax, take a zanyx and think.  Since you have the 480 HX, buy a noise 
bridge, put it in line and tune your tuner for the null which will match a 
1/1 SWR.  Here is another reason to buy the 480 SAT, like we all advized.
The internal tuner will match anything under 6/1, so if you get a match 
operate the radio.  If you don't get a match don't.  As far as a tuning aid, 
stop being a victim, look around for a schematic, and start placing adds and 
contacting handy hams to see if anybody would be willing to build it for 
you.  With around 100,000 hams in the country maybe somebody would enjoy a 
small project if you provided the diagram and parts.  You'd have to send 
them your 949 so that the jack could be installed.

Remember, you said how none of the local hams would help,

Well if one person says you are a jerk, they are probably wrong.  If two 
people say you are a jerk, its worth considering.  If three people say you 
are a jerk, they are probably right!!!

Are you really sure nobody connected with handyhams would build you a tuning 
aid if you came up with the parts and tuner.

I think the noise bridge is probably the best solution, but I don't know if 
they make ones that don't have to be taken out of line before transmitting 
RF through them.

The 949 has a dummy load in it I think.  Is your audio awful on the dummy 
load?  That might help diagnose the problem.