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----- Original Message -----
From: "Pat Ferguson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 12:39 AM
Subject: Re: majorly upset
> Chris,
>
> I'm still praying for you.
>
> I can call you this weekend orsome time this week in the evening if you
> want to talk.
>
> I'm not upset or angry with you in any way.
honestly, I didn't think you were...
Yeah, just call me on mny Vonage line:
704-296-2184
Same goes for any of yall. Feel free to call me any time...
Chris.
>
> God Bless you.
>
> Your friend, Lovingly in Christ,
> Pat Ferguson
>
> At 03:19 PM 12/16/03 -0500, you wrote:
> >Thank you once again.
> >
> >I certainly do appreciate it. I gotta admit, right now, my mind, and
heart
> >both are extremely cold, not toward anyone specificly, but I must admit
> >that I do still really have a major broken heart. Even talking to my
barber
> >today, which I could a sworn would a helped, didn't. This is a season
for
> >good tithings of joy and good cheer, so I can't understand why i'm not
able
> >to snap out of this. I mean; I know it's not always that simple, but the
> >fact is: that every minute, I'm seeming emotionally to deteriorate. I
> >mean, my strength to hold on is really going down hill. my medical
problem
> >I wrote about the other day is still an issue, better, yeah, but still no
> >where near gone... and then these two other situations, especially the
one
> >with jessica; I almost just can't bare it. I know in my heart, that if
I
> >could be granted the oppertunity to totally fall apart and totally break
> >down in tears it would help, tremendously, but I just can't seem to make
the
> >tears come. Again, I know that crying is something that you can't just
> >make. Either it comes naturally, or it doesn't. I mean, sure! if you
feel
> >the erge, then you can force it in order to make it come on quicker, but
> >that doesn't mean that you can just simply say, o! I'd like to cry and
then
> >bing, bang boom, you're histerical. It just doesn't work that way... I
> >know that as the old saying goes: there's a silver lining behind every
> >cloud, but, that is so cold... I had an old V I teacher say that to me
once
> >with another problem which even to this day still scars me; and when she
> >said that, o man! I gotta hand it to yall: I wanted, to, kill, her. I
> >real? lee? want, tid, to kill, her. i didn't though obviously... I
tolder
> >later, Mrs. Jerome, you can't begin to know how much you hurt me...
corse,
> >then she's like, O! I hurt you? Young man? W'w'well! What about what
you
> >did to me! Look at all the nasty things you wrote in your braill 'n
speak
> >journel! you better be sorry! And You better not ever! bring it up
again!
> >I'm like, w'w'w'w'w'w'w'wo! Hold it! Now, you hold it right? there!
> >Firstly! i! didn't bring that topic up. You? can! only? blame? yourself
> >for that. Secondly: Did I give you permission to go through my personal
> >documents in the first regard? No! I? told? you: to print out my
history
> >assignment since I couldn't get it to work... There was no? excuse in
you
> >reading all? 11 pages of my journel! That? was un? called for! So as
far
> >as me bringing it up? again? I, beg? your parden? Madam? but you? will
not!
> >talk to me with such disrespect!
> >
> >Point is: she was extremely rude. That statement though: has shuttered
my
> >mind ever since... I just don't understand why other people always are
so
> >easily understood, yet for me: no one! really much seems to understand
> >me... now, I'm not necessarily refering to you all by that, in fact:
I'm
> >flat out not... It's not you all at all... I'm talking more about
physical
> >friends in whom I've known face-to-face for almost my whole life... Like
> >Hope, we'll just use for example... When someone else comes to me upset
or
> >with a problem, I always have been told to be so caring and
understanding.
> >I'm not a psychologist, and i'm not trained either. It's just a gift
that
> >God has blessed me with. i as a Christian do not talk, and will not
talk!
> >luck. That isn't even a word as faras I'm concerned. I tend to call it
> >more blessed. i do have extreme hope and faith that my sweet Jesus, will
> >get me through this, but man, what am I supposed to do! I mean, gosh...
> >i'm not purposely trying to woarro here, but seriously: I mean it! What
> >'em I supposed to do! I obviously can't just go on living my life toiled
> >and naired... Totally in anguish... I can't be like the old song sais:
O
> >sacred head, now wounded: with grief and shame layed down... And as the
> >next part continues: I do! Feel now, scoarnfully surrounded... i'm an
> >only child, so I don't really have any brothers, or sisters, except for
> >spiritually. So, my internet, and phone, really have became my whole
life!
> >Without them: I would! have no friends other than God... This is why I
> >often say how much you all mean to me... I know I don't say it on the
list
> >very much, but i know a lot of you all off list, I'm quite confident I've
> >told: in case though I haven't: I will now: It's true: I love you all
so
> >much... I honestly don't know what I'd do without yall. I'm not sucking
up
> >either. I mean it from the bottom rock of my ladened heart... There are
no
> >strings attached to this mail; just the one to my soul... All I ever
could
> >ask is for friends, and i know that you all have adiquitly supplied me
> >plentiful on that, but i dunno: i have Christ as my savior, I have you
all
> >as friends: other than my parents, I have a very good family, a very
loving
> >home, well, loving in that it's a warm place with a roof over my head,
still
> >though: something's missing... I can't put my thumb on it though...
I'd
> >usually say it's the acceptance of God, but I can't, as I know that I
know,
> >that Christ is my personal Lord and Savior now, and forever more...
So...
> >what else could it be!
> >
> >I dunno... i'm rambling.
> >
> >Yall take care...
> >
> >
> >Chris.
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