Thank you once again.

I certainly do appreciate it.  I gotta admit, right now, my mind, and heart
both are extremely cold, not toward  anyone specificly, but I must admit
that I do still really have a major broken heart.  Even talking to my barber
today, which I could a sworn would a helped, didn't.  This is a season for
good tithings of joy and good cheer, so I can't understand why i'm not able
to snap out of this.  I mean; I know it's not always that simple, but the
fact is:  that every minute, I'm seeming emotionally to deteriorate.  I
mean, my strength to hold on is really going down hill.  my medical problem
I wrote about the other day is still an issue, better, yeah, but still no
where near gone...  and then these two other situations, especially the one
with jessica;  I almost just can't bare it.  I know in my heart, that if I
could be granted the oppertunity to totally fall apart and totally break
down in tears it would help, tremendously, but I just can't seem to make the
tears come.  Again, I know that crying is something that you can't just
make.  Either it comes naturally, or it doesn't.  I mean, sure! if you feel
the erge, then you can force it in order to make it come on quicker, but
that doesn't mean that you can just simply say, o!  I'd like to cry and then
bing, bang boom, you're histerical.  It just doesn't work that way...  I
know that as the old saying goes:  there's a silver lining behind every
cloud, but, that is so cold...  I had an old V I teacher say that to me once
with another problem which even to this day still scars me; and when she
said that, o man!  I gotta hand it to yall:  I wanted, to, kill, her.  I
real? lee? want, tid, to kill, her.  i didn't though obviously...  I tolder
later, Mrs. Jerome, you can't begin to know how much you hurt me...  corse,
then she's like, O!  I hurt you? Young man?  W'w'well!  What about what you
did to me!  Look at all the nasty things you wrote in your braill 'n speak
journel!  you better be sorry!  And You better not ever! bring it up again!
I'm like, w'w'w'w'w'w'w'wo!  Hold it!  Now, you hold it right? there!
Firstly!  i! didn't bring that topic up.  You? can! only? blame? yourself
for that.  Secondly:  Did I give you permission to go through my personal
documents in the first regard?  No!  I? told? you:  to print out my history
assignment since I couldn't get it to work...  There was no? excuse in you
reading all? 11 pages of my journel!  That? was un? called for!   So as far
as me bringing it up? again?  I, beg? your parden? Madam? but you? will not!
talk to me with such disrespect!

Point is:  she was extremely rude.  That statement though:  has shuttered my
mind ever since...  I just don't understand why other people always are so
easily understood, yet for me:  no one! really much seems to understand
me...  now, I'm not necessarily refering to you all by that, in fact:  I'm
flat out not...  It's not you all at all...  I'm talking more about physical
friends in whom I've known face-to-face for almost my whole life... Like
Hope, we'll just use for example...  When someone else comes to me upset or
with a problem, I always have been told to be so caring and understanding.
I'm not a psychologist, and i'm not trained either.  It's just a gift that
God has blessed me with.  i as a Christian do not talk, and will not talk!
luck.  That isn't even a word as faras I'm concerned.  I tend to call it
more blessed.  i do have extreme hope and faith that my sweet Jesus, will
get me through this, but man, what am I supposed to do!  I mean, gosh...
i'm not purposely trying to woarro here, but seriously:  I mean it!  What
'em I supposed to do!  I obviously can't just go on living my life toiled
and naired...  Totally in anguish...  I can't be like the old song sais:  O
sacred head, now wounded: with grief and shame layed down...  And as the
next part continues:  I do!  Feel now, scoarnfully surrounded...  i'm an
only child, so I don't really have any brothers, or sisters, except for
spiritually.  So, my internet, and phone, really have became my whole life!
Without them:  I would! have no friends other than God...  This is why I
often say how much you all mean to me...  I know I don't say it on the list
very much, but i know a lot of you all off list, I'm quite confident I've
told:  in case though I haven't:  I will now:  It's true:  I love you all so
much...  I honestly don't know what I'd do without yall.  I'm not sucking up
either.  I mean it from the bottom rock of my ladened heart...  There are no
strings attached to this mail; just the one to my soul...  All I ever could
ask is for friends, and i know that you all have adiquitly supplied me
plentiful on that, but i dunno:  i have Christ as my savior, I have you all
as friends:  other than my parents, I have a very good family, a very loving
home, well, loving in that it's a warm place with a roof over my head, still
though:  something's missing...  I can't put my thumb on it though...  I'd
usually say it's the acceptance of God, but I can't, as I know that I know,
that Christ is my personal Lord and Savior now, and forever more...  So...
what else could it be!

I dunno...  i'm rambling.

Yall take care...


Chris.