Hi,

I hadn't seen this round of funnies, so maybe you haven't either!  <Smiles>

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior 
church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled 
from their essays:

"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, 
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I 
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" 
and someone did. Then God made the world."

"He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't 
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam

and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from

the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because

they didn't have cars."

"Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

"Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who 
lived to be like a million or something."

"One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of 
his kids was kind of a ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and 
some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said 
they would have to take a rain check."

"After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous

than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange

for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud

sports coat."

"Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. 
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh 
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included 
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day 
with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments.

These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's 
bottom

(the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my

Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President).  Oh, yeah, I just

thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother."

"One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use 
spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the 
town."

"After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a 
slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 
porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise 
to me.  After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed

up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we 
don't have to worry about them."

"After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the 
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born 
in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were 
you born in a barn?"   It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I 
was."

"During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees 
and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was 
Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable 
after him.

"Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some 
Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys put

Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. 
He

just washed his hands instead."

"Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up 
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is 
foretold in the book of Revolution."


--
Carol