ON The Edge Of Life


By Phil Scovell


     We were on an all church picnic.  It was a Saturday and a
beautiful time of year.  Yes, Omaha, Nebraska had beautiful
weather occasionally and this afternoon was one.  Perhaps the only
one of the year but I remember how comfortable that afternoon was
in early fall.

     After eating, a friend of mine and I took a walk around the
park.  We were in our early teens and Ryan was one of the few
church kids who literally took the time to become a friend after I
lost my sight.  Later, in public high school, we would tandem ride
his Honda motorcycle to school, me holding on to the riding strap
between us to keep from falling off, while holding my attach case
with the other hand and my fiberglass white cane tucked under my
arm.  We went to youth group meetings together, rode his
motorcycle home in the dark when it was 20 degrees, and often
spent Sunday afternoons together after church.  We would later
share some high school classes together and Ryan was one of my
volunteer high school readers.

     I don't recall anything of our conversation in the park that
day but it most certainly was light in nature.  School would be
starting again in a few days, I would be leaving during the week
to attend the Nebraska school for the blind, otherwise officially
known at the time as the Nebraska School for the Visually
Impaired, and Ryan, of course, would be attending public school in
Omaha.  We still would see each other on weekends at church as we
attended Sunday school class together and sat in the services
together.  It was my last two years of high school that I returned
to public school and Ryan and I would become even better friends. 
Brothers might be more like it.

     So, as we are walking and visiting, we parallel a wall about
waist high.  We stop.  Our conversation continues.  My right hand
is resting on top of the wall.  On a whim, and for absolutely no
particular teenage reason, I climbed up on top of the low wall and
hung my feet over the opposite side.  Ryan stayed where he was and
we continued talking.  Thinking this wall was just a part of the
park the divided one area from another, I consider jumping down
and walking in the collected falling crispy crunching leaves as we
talked.  Just before dropping off the wall, I said, "Hey, Ryan? 
What's on the other side of this wall?"

     Ryan said nonchalantly, "A little creek."

     "Really?" I said with amazement.  Frankly, I wondered if he
might be joking.

     "Yep," he replied.

     His voice sounded sincere but just to be sure, I said, "How
far down is it?"

     Ryan leaned against the wall and looked over.  "Oh, I'd guess
about 30 feet maybe."

     "I laughed nervously.  "Man.  I'm sure glad I asked."

     "Why?" He replied curiously.

     "I was getting ready to jump down to walk on the other side."

     We both laughed.

     This event often comes to mind and has done so throughout my
entire adult life.  Of course, spiritually speaking, there are a
number of moral values which can be attributed to the experience
such as, "Be sure to look before you leap," but of course, in this
case, I'm blind, and was at the time, too, so that doesn't seem
valid.  Other scenarios might be, "Ask for more information before
you make a decision," "The name of the game is caution," "Some
things aren't worth the risk," "Make certain you know exactly
where you are before going where you think you want to be," or as
Bugs Bunny was known to have once said, or was it Daffy Duck? 
"Watch out.  That first step is a loo loo."  The thoughts which
come to my mind, on the other hand, may, at first, seem misplaced,
but let me tell you about them anyhow.

     Recently, after eating some pizza for lunch, I switched the
radio next to me on where it sat on my floor to ceiling
bookshelves, to several Christian stations.  I quickly drifted off
to sleep.  I had only had a couple of hours of sleep the night
before so my full stomach put me almost instantly into a hard
slumber.

     When I awakened an hour later or so, a great man of God, now
gone home to be with the Lord, was teaching.  I have heard his
nationally syndicated radio programs many times over the years and
have always admire him, his ministry, and his theological stand
upon the Word of God.  Since I wasn't in any hurry to move, I sat
quietly and listened.  I don't recall anything he said until he
got to preaching on his personal opinion about people who commit
suicide.  I came to life a little more quickly then, and turned up
the radio.  After all, for several years, in my own ministry, I
have been asked many many times about suicide.  Why?  Because,
everyone I pray with is either suicidal at the time, has
attempted it, or thought about it hundreds of times, as have I
throughout my life. Furthermore, killing yourself, in this
country, is a big no no.  In fact, it is worse than a big no no.

     If you tell the wrong person of your feelings, not your
intentions, just of your suicidal feelings, you may end up in bed,
heavily medicated, and restrained.  Oh it doesn't happen that way
any more?  Go down to your local hospital, walk in, and tell the
lady behind the desk, or counter, in the Emergency Room that you
are going to kill yourself and see how fast they put you up at the
front of the line ahead of all those other couple hundreds of
people seated in the waiting room with broken legs and arms,
chicken wishbones lodged in their throat, knife fight open
bleeding lacerations, gunshot wounds, women having babies, people
injured in car accidents, and sometimes even one or two
unconscious people patiently waiting their turned to be called on
a busy Emergency Room Saturday night.  I even know a guy who,
while in a Bible study, innocently mentioned to someone in this
Christian group that he wanted to die and within hours, he was
strapped down to a bed for seven days and put on suicide watch.  I
well remember sitting on the other side of a desk from a
psychologist at the hospital who was filling out the forms for me
when she stopped and said, "Now, Philip.  I'm going to ask you a
couple of questions that I have to write an answer for.  I don't
want you to answer right away but think about the question first. 
Your answer will make a big difference on what, by law, I have to
do and that is, turn you over to other medical authorities or even
the police.  Do you understand what I am saying?"

     "Yes," I said although I already knew what she was going to
ask.

     "Ok, Philip.  Remember.  Be cautious with your answers.  Do
you now, or have you ever, wanted to kill yourself?"

     "No," I lied.

     "Have you ever harmed yourself in the process of wanting to
take your own life?"

     I wanted to say, "Isn't that question related to the first
question which should have the same answer but instead, I intoned
woodenly, "no."

     "And finally," she said with some relief as if air had been
release from an excessively inflated balloon, "Have you ever had
homicidal thoughts or tried to harm anyone?"

     My first inclination was to say, "Well, I once tried killing
a psychologist," but I didn't think my humorous side would, under
those conditions, be consider humorous.  I wanted to point out,
too, that this was two questions in one and the answer to the
first was strictly related to the second half of the question, in
my humble opinion, but I figured it wasn't time to reinvent the
psychological wheel, so I said, as dully as possible, "No."

     Anyhow, all these thoughts suddenly sprang to mind when I
heard this elderly, howbeit, Godly preacher, suddenly teaching on
suicide.  I really was interested in what he might have to say
because what he said might be something I could use to encourage
other suicidal people.  Boy, was I wrong.

     This preacher's voice change, not perceptibly, but
overwhelmingly.  He literally became sarcastic.  He actually, God
as my witness, began to literally make fun of those, who are so
selfish, they would take their own life.  He flatly, and
decisively, proclaimed that all suicidals that were successful in
their attempts when directly to hell.  Why?  Because they
selfishly wanted to escape their pain.  I wish you could have
heard his dripping sarcasm as he preached on this point.  My fist
was already doubled up and my arm ready to swing until I
remembered he was just on the radio and not standing in the room. 
He was far from clarifying his point, unfortunately, because he
continued by contradicting himself.

     First he said, God as my witness, "We surely cannot judge any
person or anyone's motives."  May I stop momentarily to point out
that he was doing exactly that, judging, as far as it came to
suicide?  Secondly, he said, "If the person was insane and
committed suicide, they wouldn't go to hell."  This one really
threw me for a loop because how would he know which person was
insane and which wasn't at the time or was he just going to leave
that up to God like he should have done in the first place before
passing his theological judgment?  He offered, by the way, not
one Scripture for anything he said so take this theology for what
it is worth and that's not very much.  "Thirdly, returning to his
sarcastic way of teaching, he said, "The person committing suicide
was committing self murder and murder was sin."  Of course, he
failed to quote the Scriptures which even forgive murderers so
that even they, by the grace of God can go to Heaven, but he
didn't quote any other Scriptures either, as I mentioned, so why
bother doing that now.

     The upshot of the theological fallacy he taught, was pretty
clear.  He believe that suicidal people are selfish, self
centered, stupid people who didn't give a damn about anybody but
themselves so they deserved suffering in hell for eternity, if
they killed themselves, regardless of how much emotional pain they
were suffering on earth.  I've heard some pretty poor preaching in
my day, some of it I've even done myself, but this great man of
God, and I still consider him to be one of the all time greats who
lived in my life time, had rocks in his head when it came to this
topic.  So, let's talk about suicide since there are some pretty,
right down theological stupid opinions on the topic.  Mine
certainly can't be any worse than what you have just heard.

     First, let me ask you a question I have asked myself many
hundreds of times, even recently, to be perfectly honest.  The
short version is this.  How many times can a Christian fail before
he is considered a failure?  Now, here is the long version of that
same question.  How many times can you fail before God finally
throws up His hands and says, "I freaking give up.  You are
impossible.  All you care about is yourself.  You never once think
about me, unless you are hurting or have gotten yourself into
trouble, and I can't remember the last time you once considered
what I've done for you on the cross.  And what about my bodily
resurrection?  Doesn't that prove anything to you?  Here you are,
threatening to kill yourself and I'm the one, for crying out loud,
who gave you life.  All you do is mope around, cry, tell me how
much everybody hates you, complain about always being weak and
that you don't have any friends, and worst of all, you hate your
freaking self.  Grow up, will you?  How many times do I have to
prove that I love you before you get it.  Go ahead, then.  Kill
yourself.  I give up on you but don't come knocking on Heavens
gate and waiting for a positive answer if you pull your own plug
because I won't answer."  Excuse me, but does this sound like the
same Jesus you know?  If it does, don't feel bad because most
suicidals do think a lot like this.  No, it isn't true and never
has been but they feel like it is.  Why?  Because the dumb ass
devil is lying through his teeth to them and a couple of dumb ass
preachers, too, that shall remain nameless.  Now, according to
this preacher, and if I mentioned his name, everybody on the
planet reading this article, would know who I am talking about, if
you are crazy, the preacher's term was insane, and you kill
yourself, well, then, by God, that's different.  Jesus will
forgive you because you are nuts and you get to go to Heaven.  The
moral logic of this erroneous theological bilge is that only crazy
people committing suicide get to go to Heaven but sane people go
to hell if they commit suicide?  Holy Toledo is that screwed up
theology or what?  God deliver me from stupid preachers.  Well,
this old man knows the truth about suicide now for sure because he
is dead.  I would bet my last dollar that Jesus straightened him
out, first thing, the second this preacher crossed over into the
Glory Land, too.  If Jesus didn't, and hasn't, I certainly will
when I get there and without being suicidal, which I'm not, I
trust I'll be there sooner rather than later.  Come on Jesus!  Let
me out of this place and deliver me from compassionless preachers.

     So, back to my question.  How many times do you have to fail
before you are a failure?  You have failed for the last freaking
God bless it time and Jesus ain't putting up with you any more? 
Yes, you are correct.  It is incredibly stupid.  This ain't the
Jesus we all know and love so stop it right now and you have my
permission to shout down any dumb butt preacher who makes fun of
hurting people regardless of the pain they experience.

     What does this have to do with me jumping off a wall, not
realizing I would drop 30 feet into a small creak, maybe killing
myself?  Nothing.  I just wanted to bring up what this preacher
said that was so stupid.  I do have a point to make about my wall
experience which you will find interesting but you'll have to keep
reading to discover the truth.

     May I tell you what is wrong about taking your own life, that
is, committing suicide?  Ok, good.  I'm glad you want to know. 
It is wrong, perhaps we should say sin, because you aren't God. 
That's right.  You heard me.  You aren't God and that's the
simple answer.  Did you know that even Satan cannot take your
life?  Why is that, you ask?  He ain't got the power, or in other
words, Satan doesn't have the authority of life and death.  Jesus
is the only one who has that power and authority.  Look it up for
yourself and read it in Matthew 10:28 if you doubt it.  So what
does this mean?  It means, if you take your own life, you have
made yourself bigger than God.  You've become judge of the
universe.  Not wise, really.  Totally unacceptable for a
Christian.  By the way, I am only talking about Christians killing
themselves now.  Lost people are on their own.  "But hasn't a
person who has killed themselves, lost their salvation?"  Chapter
and verse, please.  There ain't nothing that says any such thing
in the Bible like that so throw that Bible away you are reading
and buy a good one.

     Before continuing, let me explain why my belief on suicide is
somewhat a problem.  when people ask me, I have to carefully word
it in such a way that they don't say, "Hot dog.  I knew it!  I'm
running right out into traffic and getting run over.  Thank you
Jesus."  Hold up there, partner.  That isn't the way it works.  It
puts me in mind of a friend who tried killing himself once.  He
got his neighbor, when he overdosed, to rush him to the Emergency
Room.  Later, when they were sure he wasn't in any danger, he was
taken to visit with a mental health counselor of some kind.  The
counselor admitted he had tried killing himself once after asking
my friend if he had ever attempted it before now.  My friend said,
yes, and in fact was going to use a 22 rifle.  The mental health
specialist said, "Don't bother with a 22 rifle.  If you want to
make it work, use a 45 instead.  That will work."  That may be
true, you see, but it also may not be good advice.  You get my
meaning here?  My point is, just because I believe a Christian
committing suicide doesn't go to hell, doesn't mean I am right and
it doesn't mean anybody should do it.

     God has principles in His Word he requires His people to live
by.  He has reasons for these principles, too.  I was taught,
growing up in a Baptist church, that certain things were just the
way they were and you shouldn't question it.  In fact, to question
it demonstrated a lack of faith, or something, and this made God
mad, or it might.  If it did, you were in trouble.  I know better
now, of course, and have learned that God isn't afraid of any
question we may ask.  Let me sight an example.

     Let's talk about sex for an example.  How's that sound?  Why
is sex outside of marriage sin?  Wrong is the wrong word.  It is
sin, plain and simple.  Why is the real question.  The real answer
is that it distorts and fractures the picture of holiness that
Christ has with His Bride; the Church.  That's us, of course. 
So, premarital sex, sex before marriage, or what the Bible
normally calls fornication, and extramarital sex, what the Bible
calls adultery, is sin because of what it does.  This means,
obviously, sexuality, and sexual expressiveness, is spiritual by
its very nature.  It is, spiritually wrong outside of marriage,
and spiritual right and whole and complete within the context of
marriage.  Jesus said, a married couple becomes one flesh.  This
makes sex outside of marriage, or the act of one flesh, literally
impossible.  Thus, it is called sin.  Biologically speaking, it is
normal but only within the confines of marriage.  If what I said
is true, then if a person sins in this manner, can they be
forgiven?  I'm sure you know the answer.

     Murder is a crime against society.  It is the taking of a
life which goes against God's divine picture of relationship. 
Furthermore, we do not have the right to judge another life as
does the Lord.  He, and He alone, has the power of life and of
death.  To take a life is sin and God alone set the rules for such
a sin.  Can the murderer be forgiven?  Yes, in the same way all
sin is forgiven.  Society has been given license by God, on the
other hand, to carry out His authority in His name.  Thus, as
harsh as it is, capital punishment is still valid in the New
Testament age.  I'm not suggesting for a moment that I could be
the doctor who administers the lethal injection, or than man that
flips the switch, pulls the trigger, trips the trap door when
hanging was still applied even to horse thieves, or participate in
any way enforcing death by the gas chamber.  I also wouldn't like
living next door to an atomic power plant even though I believe in
them.  I live nextdoor to a freaking gas station, for crying out
loud, and I don't like that either but I still believe we should
have gas stations.  We all get one vote, in social matters, or we
should perhaps is a better way of saying it, so sometimes, society
isn't going to follows God's laws of life and death.  Such is the
cost of living in a free society.  Abortion is another such
theological topic upon which God clearly speaks but society has
chosen otherwise.  If this bothers you even as a Christian, try
moving to one of the Arab countries and see how you like living
under their laws.

     Closely connected to this topic, in some twisted way of
thinking, which has generally always been my style, I was once
again listening to Christian radio.  I'm beginning to think
perhaps I should give up listening to Christian broadcasting all
together.  Anyhow, my favorite, I repeat, my favorite preacher,
more of a Bible teacher he is, said something else equally as
stupid as the other well known megachurch preacher I have already
mentioned.  He basically said the following.  Carnality, for the
Christian, is sinful, or living in the flesh.  By the way, I'm
talking now about the word "carnal" found in, for example, Romans
8:7, "The carnal mind is enmity against God," is the word for
(flesh).  Now, it is in no way referring to your physical body but
that is the word which is used.  Maybe this is where the
nonbiblical axiom of "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" came from
but the Apostle Paul is not trying to tell born again Christians
that God has spiritual hostility against their physical bodies. 
By the way, the word "enmity" which is used in the text, refers to
hostility.  So what would you think it is talking about?  That's
right.  It is speaking of spiritual things.  If our minds are
filled with unholiness, lying concepts, and fractured Scriptural
precepts, since this isn't the nature of God's mind, we are going
to be in conflict, that is, we will be unable to agree with God
and His Word.  This man said, however, that if you are discouraged
or depressed or unhappy, you are a carnal Christian and living in
carnality will not put you in favor with God.  I reached over and
switched the radio off.  Why?  Because what he had just taught was
not only unbiblical but just plain stupid.  The Apostle Paul was
not saying any such thing.  This is faith gone amuck or as the old
country preacher used to say, "That preaching has gone to seed." 
In short, this preacher was trying to teach that if you become
sad, broken hearted, upset, depressed, discouraged, feel
disappointed or frustrated as a Christian, you are living
carnally, that is, sinfully.  You may not be in agreement with God
at the time but you are not carnal.  That's me preaching now, not
this knucklehead to whom I just referred.  Go back and read the
Bible and tell me how many great men of God, some even called the
friend of God, who didn't experience discouragement, depression,
and all these other things the radio preacher was trying to declair
carnal in nature and thus displeasing to God.  If what he said is
true, then how can you explain the compassion God has?  You can't
nor can that preacher.  You see, the mistake these two preachers
are making is simple.  They believe in a relationship with God is
based upon you, not God, not the Holy Spirit, not Jesus Christ,
but that is based upon you and you are capable of turning off and
on.  You are in control, they believe, so whatever you think is
what is true.  Sorry, but that is dead wrong and felonious
theology.  It's also stupid but then I've already said that a few
times.  For example, if you try and carry this ambiguous teaching
to its logical carnal conclusion, you would have to say, during
times of sorrow or sadness, discouragement and depression, Jesus
isn't the Lord of your life.  Thus, you aren't a happy Christian. 
The name of this man's set of tapes, by the way, is "How To Be A
Happy Christian."  He claims, I've heard him myself say it, that
he has never been sad or discouraged or depressed in the 30 years
plus he has been in the ministry.  Actually, since I have heard
him describe a very specific period of time that he was super
discouraged and about ready to give up, I think what he meant was,
he hasn't been sad or discouraged or depressed since he learned
how to perpetually live by faith.  If this is true, then God bless
him but his experience isn't mine, or King David's or Paul's or
that of Moses, Elijah, Job, Jonah, John the baptizer, and a whole
bunch more men of God I could list.  Even Jesus would fall into
this list.  Remember?  Jesus swept at the tomb of Lazarus.

     "Oh, ho, that is where I've got you," they say.  "Jesus was
crying about the unbelief of the people around Him and not about
His friend's death."

     Let's say you are correct.  I don't think you are but just
for argument's sake, let's say you are right.  If Jesus was a
Spirit filled man, which He was, and a Prophet, which He was, and
He was the Son of God, which He was, and even God Himself, which
He was, why would He allow His emotions to get the better of Him
and weep over those who He knew would reject Him.  See what
happens when you come up with your own theology?  You see, your
emotions are not born again.  They are still a part of the mind,
which is still a part of the body, and it is only your spirit that
is born again.  Yes, you can, and should, discipline your mind and
body, at least according to James 1:21, but Jesus is still Lord
regardless of how you feel.  You do not have to feel happy to be a
good Christian.  You do not have to feel good to know in your
heart that Jesus is still Lord of your life and you are on your
way to Heaven.

     What does my wall experience have to do with any of this?  I
asked Jesus that question while writing this article and He said,
"Think about it."

     I did but couldn't see it and said so.

     "What happened?" He asked me.

     I said, "Nothing."

     "right," I heard his voice say.  "You didn't jump.  You
listened to your inner voice, that is, your spirit."

     What the Holy Spirit was trying to show me, at least one
thing He was trying to show me, was that just because the thought
came to drop down on to the other side of the wall, instead of
going ahead and listening to that suggestion, I heard my own
spirit communicating with myself.  Of course, my born again
spirit is where the Holy Spirit lives and from where He speaks to
my mind upon which my emotions react regardless of the
circumstances.  Let me repeat what I just said so you will stop
and think about it.  My born again spirit is where the Holy Spirit
lives and from where He speaks to my mind upon which my emotions
react regardless of the circumstances.  bottom line?  Don't jump
without listening and while you are at it, stop listening to those
dumb radio preachers who are more interested in your money than in
you.


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