Hey Chris I am not sure what to say to all of what yo7u said but I will and
am praying for you to have peace. Try reading the christmas story or try
thinking of birds and or sometihng awesome that God has done. I know that
isn't always easy I'm just trying to suggest some things that might help
take your mind off things for a bit.
Lelia
----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Gilland" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 1:19 PM
Subject: Re: majorly upset
> Thank you once again.
>
> I certainly do appreciate it. I gotta admit, right now, my mind, and
heart
> both are extremely cold, not toward anyone specificly, but I must admit
> that I do still really have a major broken heart. Even talking to my
barber
> today, which I could a sworn would a helped, didn't. This is a season for
> good tithings of joy and good cheer, so I can't understand why i'm not
able
> to snap out of this. I mean; I know it's not always that simple, but the
> fact is: that every minute, I'm seeming emotionally to deteriorate. I
> mean, my strength to hold on is really going down hill. my medical
problem
> I wrote about the other day is still an issue, better, yeah, but still no
> where near gone... and then these two other situations, especially the
one
> with jessica; I almost just can't bare it. I know in my heart, that if I
> could be granted the oppertunity to totally fall apart and totally break
> down in tears it would help, tremendously, but I just can't seem to make
the
> tears come. Again, I know that crying is something that you can't just
> make. Either it comes naturally, or it doesn't. I mean, sure! if you
feel
> the erge, then you can force it in order to make it come on quicker, but
> that doesn't mean that you can just simply say, o! I'd like to cry and
then
> bing, bang boom, you're histerical. It just doesn't work that way... I
> know that as the old saying goes: there's a silver lining behind every
> cloud, but, that is so cold... I had an old V I teacher say that to me
once
> with another problem which even to this day still scars me; and when she
> said that, o man! I gotta hand it to yall: I wanted, to, kill, her. I
> real? lee? want, tid, to kill, her. i didn't though obviously... I
tolder
> later, Mrs. Jerome, you can't begin to know how much you hurt me...
corse,
> then she's like, O! I hurt you? Young man? W'w'well! What about what
you
> did to me! Look at all the nasty things you wrote in your braill 'n speak
> journel! you better be sorry! And You better not ever! bring it up
again!
> I'm like, w'w'w'w'w'w'w'wo! Hold it! Now, you hold it right? there!
> Firstly! i! didn't bring that topic up. You? can! only? blame? yourself
> for that. Secondly: Did I give you permission to go through my personal
> documents in the first regard? No! I? told? you: to print out my
history
> assignment since I couldn't get it to work... There was no? excuse in you
> reading all? 11 pages of my journel! That? was un? called for! So as
far
> as me bringing it up? again? I, beg? your parden? Madam? but you? will
not!
> talk to me with such disrespect!
>
> Point is: she was extremely rude. That statement though: has shuttered
my
> mind ever since... I just don't understand why other people always are so
> easily understood, yet for me: no one! really much seems to understand
> me... now, I'm not necessarily refering to you all by that, in fact: I'm
> flat out not... It's not you all at all... I'm talking more about
physical
> friends in whom I've known face-to-face for almost my whole life... Like
> Hope, we'll just use for example... When someone else comes to me upset
or
> with a problem, I always have been told to be so caring and understanding.
> I'm not a psychologist, and i'm not trained either. It's just a gift that
> God has blessed me with. i as a Christian do not talk, and will not talk!
> luck. That isn't even a word as faras I'm concerned. I tend to call it
> more blessed. i do have extreme hope and faith that my sweet Jesus, will
> get me through this, but man, what am I supposed to do! I mean, gosh...
> i'm not purposely trying to woarro here, but seriously: I mean it! What
> 'em I supposed to do! I obviously can't just go on living my life toiled
> and naired... Totally in anguish... I can't be like the old song sais:
O
> sacred head, now wounded: with grief and shame layed down... And as the
> next part continues: I do! Feel now, scoarnfully surrounded... i'm an
> only child, so I don't really have any brothers, or sisters, except for
> spiritually. So, my internet, and phone, really have became my whole
life!
> Without them: I would! have no friends other than God... This is why I
> often say how much you all mean to me... I know I don't say it on the
list
> very much, but i know a lot of you all off list, I'm quite confident I've
> told: in case though I haven't: I will now: It's true: I love you all
so
> much... I honestly don't know what I'd do without yall. I'm not sucking
up
> either. I mean it from the bottom rock of my ladened heart... There are
no
> strings attached to this mail; just the one to my soul... All I ever
could
> ask is for friends, and i know that you all have adiquitly supplied me
> plentiful on that, but i dunno: i have Christ as my savior, I have you
all
> as friends: other than my parents, I have a very good family, a very
loving
> home, well, loving in that it's a warm place with a roof over my head,
still
> though: something's missing... I can't put my thumb on it though... I'd
> usually say it's the acceptance of God, but I can't, as I know that I
know,
> that Christ is my personal Lord and Savior now, and forever more... So...
> what else could it be!
>
> I dunno... i'm rambling.
>
> Yall take care...
>
>
> Chris.
>
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