Hi Sharon,
I sent it to all my cat loving friends.
Vinny
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sharon Hooley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 6:44 PM
Subject: Here's a Funny Cleanlaugh.
> Hi all,
>
> This list is now operated by a new software system that puts the message
> in
> html until I change it. I don't know what copying and pasting does to it,
> but if you have a hard time reading it, I'm sorry. Anyway, here goes:
>
> Sharon
>
> The Cybersalt Digest
>
> This Cybersalt Digest was sent to subscriberemail
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> Cybersalt News
>
> Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational
> content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other
> material for
> reading.
> http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
>
> Today's CleanLaugh - "Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"
>
> 1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
>
> So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've
> joined
> the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often
> frustrating
> creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your
> association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to
> grace
> them
> with your presence.
>
> What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other
> cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for
> centuries,
> but the answer is actually rather simple:
>
> THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
>
> Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors,
> getting
> the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other
> activities
> that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
> ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs,
> but they
> are nowhere as easy to train.
>
> 2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
>
> Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important
> activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting
> business, spending
> time with their families or even sleeping.
>
> Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
> advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is
> usually
> so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you
> out
> of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
> practice.
>
> Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you
> want:
>
> Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of
> it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than
> you.
> They
> will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy
> over
> this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well
> with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
>
> Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and
> 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this
> time,
> you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an
> incoherent
> haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep
> sleepers
> to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the
> human
> from getting suspicious.
>
> 3. Punishing Your Human Being
>
> Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly
> resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have
> to
> punish
> your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
> household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are
> likely
> to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we
> offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
>
> * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
>
> * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
> interlude.
>
> * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a
> hairball
> attack.
>
> * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,
> stand
> by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
>
> * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
>
> 4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
>
> The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the
> thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that
> humans
> prefer
> these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
> expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and
> playful
> movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
>
> After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:
> cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the
> occasional
> earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds,
> rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you
> see
> the
> expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
>
> 5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
>
> You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other
> eight
> are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most
> humans
> (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same.
> But
> what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only
> take you so far.
>
> Today's Oneliner
>
> "On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."
>
> Did you know there is a version of the Cybersalt Digest that has no
> advertising?
>
> Check out this info!
>
> Today's CleanPun - "Arrest Report"
>
> A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After
> brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
>
> On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your
> Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk.
> He
> clutched
> in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
>
> "I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
>
> Today's Eye Laugh!
>
> *Driving Regret*
> http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=14
>
> Meet Christian Singles Online
>
> http://www.cybersalt.net/rdsingles.htm
>
> The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
> Communications
> http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
>
> Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia
> http://www.westsidefamily.org
>
> Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at
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