hysterical,
Vinny
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sharon Hooley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, January 22, 2006 5:51 PM
Subject: I Want to Hurt my computer
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> Hi!
>
> Got this from the Access Comp list. It's pretty funny! Hey Phil, =
> remember the urges to destroy my computer and other things that I told =
> you about? hahahahaha!
>
> Sharon
>
>> I want to hurt my computer.
>>
>> I want to buy a software program that, when run,
>> causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.
>> When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special
>> button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
>> I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my
>> telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical
>> support to answer, the charge would increase in
>> intensity. When the guy from tech support finally
>> answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be
>> discharged into him.
>> This should not affect my ability to hear what's going
>> on at the other end of the line, of course.
>> And a special function would allow the volts to double
>> every time a tape-recorded message urges me to
>> continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the
>> caressing voice always claims.
>> I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation
>> program which will reconstitute this irritating
>> reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have
>> your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical
>> support department consists of two college kids, both
>> of whom are busy playing Doom.
>> Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it
>> will be the one who doesn't speak English."
>> I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an
>> "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill
>> Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that
>> has taken me more than an hour to create, I want
>> someone from the computer company to come out and
>> retype it for me.
>> I don't understand why new, "upgraded"
>> software creates files that cannot be read by old,
>> reliable software with the same name. Is there no one
>> in the computer industry who has noticed that word
>> processor files all look alike once they are open?
>> can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?
>> should be a rule that when software engineers
>> a new car, their old cars should cease to
>> function. If they don't understand why this is
>> they should call me and I will explain it
>> to them. How come when my computer catches a virus,
>> I am the one who misses work?
>> I want to know why my printer always jams on the last
>> piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this
>> happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the
>> manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
>> I am really tired of hearing about all the things that
>> happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these
>> computer programmers how in the world they didn't know
>> the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software
>> engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people -
>> what did they need - a memo or something?
>> I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my
>> computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program
>> wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is
>> too old (I bought it 34 months ago).
>> The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver."
>> Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I
>> need to buy another computer.
>> I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns
>> 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like
>> saying, "Good news, we've located the product you
>> want. It's on Earth."
>> I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my
>> operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up
>> so little space. My new operating system is five
>> times the size of my original hard drive.
>> With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent.
>> That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to
>> visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
>> Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes"
>> my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live
>> together in the same little tower!
>> Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just
>> want to hurt it every once in a while!
>>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
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>
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>
> --
>
> No virus found in this incoming message.
> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
> Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.21/236 - Release Date: =
> 1/20/2006
>
>
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> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Hi!</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Got this from the Access Comp =
> list. It's=20
> pretty funny! Hey Phil, remember the urges to destroy my computer =
> and=20
> other things that I told you about? hahahahaha!</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Sharon</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>> I want to hurt my =
> computer.<BR>><BR>> I=20
> want to buy a software program that, when run,<BR>> causes my =
> computer to=20
> suffer grievously, though not permanently.<BR>> When my screen =
> freezes or=20
> turns blue, I want a special<BR>> button I can push to make the CPU =
> start=20
> squealing like a motherboard.<BR>> I want a device that stores an =
> electrical=20
> charge in my<BR>> telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting =
> for=20
> technical<BR>> support to answer, the charge would increase =
> in<BR>>=20
> intensity. When the guy from tech support finally<BR>> answers, =
> the=20
> electrical bolt of energy would be<BR>> discharged into him.<BR>> =
> This=20
> should not affect my ability to hear what's going<BR>> on at the =
> other end of=20
> the line, of course.<BR>> And a special function would allow the =
> volts to=20
> double<BR>> every time a tape-recorded message urges me to<BR>> =
> continue=20
> holding. "Your call is important to us," the<BR>> caressing =
> voice=20
> always claims.<BR>> I want my phone to be outfitted with a=20
> translation<BR>> program which will reconstitute this =
> irritating<BR>>=20
> reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have<BR>> your money, =
> so we=20
> couldn't care less. Our technical<BR>> support department =
> consists of=20
> two college kids, both<BR>> of whom are busy playing Doom.<BR>>=20
> Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it<BR>> will be =
> the one=20
> who doesn't speak English."<BR>> I want my modem to sense when my PC =
> has=20
> committed an<BR>> "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest=20
> Bill<BR>> Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file =
> that<BR>>=20
> has taken me more than an hour to create, I want<BR>> someone from =
> the=20
> computer company to come out and<BR>> retype it for me.<BR>> I =
> don't=20
> understand why new, "upgraded"<BR>> software creates files that =
> cannot be=20
> read by old,<BR>> reliable software with the same name. Is =
> there no=20
> one<BR>> in the computer industry who has noticed that word<BR>> =
> processor=20
> files all look alike once they are open?<BR>> can't 6.0 recognize a =
> 7.0=20
> file? It's all just words, isn't it?<BR>> should be a rule that =
> when=20
> software engineers<BR>> a new car, their old cars should cease =
> to<BR>>=20
> function. If they don't understand why this is<BR>> they should =
> call me=20
> and I will explain it<BR>> to them. How come when my computer catches =
> a=20
> virus,<BR>> I am the one who misses work?<BR>> I want to know why =
> my=20
> printer always jams on the last<BR>> piece of paper or the last sheet =
> of=20
> checks. When this<BR>> happens, it makes me want to put =
> sandpaper into=20
> the<BR>> manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.<BR>> =
> I am=20
> really tired of hearing about all the things that<BR>> happened with=20
> Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these<BR>> computer =
> programmers how in=20
> the world they didn't know<BR>> the year 2000 would follow the year=20
> 1999? Software<BR>> engineers are supposed to be pretty bright =
> people=20
> -<BR>> what did they need - a memo or something?<BR>> I bought a =
> program=20
> that was supposed to tell me if my<BR>> computer files are=20
> Y2K-compliant. The program<BR>> wouldn't work because - get =
> this - my=20
> CD-ROM player is<BR>> too old (I bought it 34 months ago).<BR>> =
> The=20
> manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver."<BR>> Thus, to find out =
> if my=20
> computer is Y2K-compliant, I<BR>> need to buy another =
> computer.<BR>> I=20
> want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns<BR>> =
> 324,909,188=20
> "matches" to my keyword. That's like<BR>> saying, "Good news, =
> we've=20
> located the product you<BR>> want. It's on Earth."<BR>> I =
> want to=20
> know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my<BR>> operating system was=20
> virtually crash-proof and took up<BR>> so little space. My new=20
> operating system is five<BR>> times the size of my original hard=20
> drive.<BR>> With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 =
> percent.<BR>> That's=20
> as if every time your mother-in-law came to<BR>> visit she weighed =
> another=20
> 500 pounds.<BR>> Now I've found out that my PC no longer =
> "recognizes"<BR>>=20
> my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They=20
> live<BR>> together in the same little tower!<BR>> Please =
> understand, I=20
> don't hate my computer...I just<BR>> want to hurt it every once in a=20
> while!<BR>></FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Yahoo! Groups Links</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><*> To visit your group on the =
> web, go=20
> to:<BR><A=20
> href=3D"http://groups.yahoo.com/group/accesscomp/">http://groups.yahoo.co=
> m/group/accesscomp/</A></FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><*> To unsubscribe from this =
> group, send an=20
> email to:<BR><A=20
> href=3D"mailto:[log in to unmask]">accesscomp-unsubsc=
> [log in to unmask]</A></FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is =
> subject=20
> to:<BR><A=20
> href=3D"http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/">http://docs.yahoo.com/info/ter=
> ms/</A></FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>--</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>No virus found in this incoming =
> message.<BR>Checked=20
> by AVG Free Edition.<BR>Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.21/236 =
> -=20
> Release Date: 1/20/2006</FONT></DIV>
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