Well Brad,
         It would appear that you and I are thinking along similar 
lines here.  One thing that I've learned about myself though is 
this.  I've been studying the healings of Jesus to see what I can 
learn from them and I learned, through a lot of prayer that I am a 
lot like the woman who was hemorhraging for 12 years and just wanted 
to touch the hem of his garment.  I've thought a lot about why she 
wanted to do it that way.  Of course, there is the obvious fact that 
she was unclean and shouldn't have even been there.  But, besides 
that, she didn't want attention drawn to her and if it failed, she 
was probably hoping to just slip away unnoticed.  I'm like 
that.  I've talked about my struggle before on this list back when 
our church was doing the ALPHA course and the subject of healing was 
coming up.  I knew that we were supposed to conduct a healing service 
and that I was going to be one of the obvious targets and I was 
asking how to handle that.    If I had my choice, I'd like to be 
healed, but I'd like to be healed in the privacy of my own home, just 
like she was hoping to just slip away.  This means, to me at least, 
that there is still something about me that I need to overcome.  I'm 
not saying that if I overcome it that I will then be healed, but I 
think that there is something about me that is still a hurtle in all 
this in my understanding.
         Maybe the song, "I Can Only Imagine," can help me explain 
myself here.  The singer has no idea how he will act when he finally 
meets Jesus and I wonder the same about how I would act at the 
immediate moment that I was healed, if I were to be healed at 
all.  After spending so much time, in front of people that I've been 
serving, just trying to live and convince everybody that my blindness 
is no big deal, then, to become the center of attention, with my 
blindness, the elephant in the livingroom, finally up for scrutiny, 
the whole idea is just intimidating to me; especially when prayers 
for healing  are  so often unsuccessful.  Then what do people think 
about God?  How in the world would that bring glory to Him?
         The truth is, lots of times, prayers for healing  aren't 
successful.  People on this list have relayed their experiences of 
not being healed at healing services.  Where's the glory in that?
         I still serve and I am grateful that God uses me, broken as 
I am, but if I had a choice, I'd choose sight, you bet!
Kathy


At 10:25 AM 1/24/2006, you wrote:
>Kathy,
>
>You wrote...
>"Why is it easier to believe that God can cure a back ache or a head ache
>that can't be seen and is totally subjective and not my eyes, which would
>actually require physical reconstruction?"
>
>Bingo sister! It is curious too why, and perhaps it is me only, that we
>hear of folks being healed of one leg longer than the other and not one
>like us with an obvious life changing ailment??? Why is that or is it just
>me? Also you are right in saying many walk away looking at our's or other's
>situations "Gee I'm thankful I'm not in that situation". I did even see
>some of that in the devotion Rhonda posted. It is sooooo easy for people to
>say "God has blessed you with the ability to handle your situation,
>praise  and glory to him who gave you patience and look all you learned
>from this situation", and then they hop in their car and drive
>home.  Granted I bet we do the same with those we feel have harder cards to
>play in life. It is a different perspective when   someone with an
>affliction gives glory for the illness, but to me, and I reluctantly say
>anything here as I said I don't want to pull at anyone's beliefs that
>enable them to cope, but I can't see  glory in that either.  Perhaps I'm
>not spiritually mature to that point yet, maybe that's it. I do however see
>a gigantic  opportunity for people to see God's glory in my healing. I know
>many blind vendors here in WI, plus having been blind for sometime now,
>gotten to know many blind folks, and of course we become pegged as the
>blind guy who does this or does that by sighted folks, and then of course
>our relatives, think of that impact. I wonder what they'd do or say or
>wonder if they saw me driving next week, looking them square in the eye,
>waving and smiling hahaha? Now there's opportunity for glory. And you know
>what? Isn't that what Jesus meant and demonstrated with the blind guy when
>the disciples asked him who sinned this man or his parents? And Jesus said
>neither but for the glory of God, then he spit in mud, swiped his eyes and
>said wash off dude and you'll be flashing them baby blues. And didn't the
>blind man give credit to Jesus? Who in turn gave credit to the
>Father?  Perhaps I am a bit *snapping fingers* what's the word I'm looking
>for... rebellious? Brash? No no, I don't know the word, upfront
>maybe???  anyway it is almost  rather than to say God wills me this way and
>get's glory out of it,  I  can't help  not hiding my thoughts in saying "OK
>God. Point blank here, no more games, no more fooling around with this
>thing. Do you heal or don't you? And if so, why not me so I can fix what is
>out of your will and move on with the life you given me in a way I was
>originally equipped to do! If you don't then I know the score and I'll fall
>in place and accept that."  I don't mean that disrespectfully, but I also
>can't feel one way and hide it from him. That's just foolishness.
>
>Brad