It may sound bad, but as much as I wanted to tltally break down last night
in front of her, something held it back.  i don't wanna get her upset as she
already is having enough problems on her own, let alone, mine on top.


Chris.


----- Original Message -----
From: "Pat Ferguson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, November 15, 2004 11:00 AM
Subject: Re: Boiling with an aching heart


> Chris,
>
> I'm praying for you. Trust in The Lord. Remember, Kristin is your loving
> squeeze.
> Blessings,
>
> Pat Ferguson
>
>
>
> At 07:37 PM 11/14/04, you wrote:
>>Guys, I don't know what's wrong with me...  I was really tired, just a
>>stressful day, I guess, but all a sudden I go to bed.  Guess what I start
>>dreaming about, as usual:  my 2nd cousin, jessica.  Guys, I just can't
>>take
>>it!  One way or another, I've gotta either talk to her, or fly down there.
>>We don't have the money for the latter, especially since i no longer work
>>at
>>my prior job...  I mean, I still work on the side, but it doesn't pay the
>>greatest.  Anyway, tonight, I dreamed that I found out that Christy and
>>Jessica had come down for my cousin's wedding, which btw, will be the 19th
>>of December.   Anyway, when I found out she was there, it was rather late
>>at
>>night.  I called and I think my aunt answered.  I told her please, to have
>>jessica call me.  She was staying with Christy, and my aunt at my parents'
>>house.  I told my aunt, in the dream, even if it's 11 o'clock.  See, I
>>couldn't talk then when I called as according to the dream, my aunt said
>>she
>>and Christy had went to Walmart.  Anyway, I don't know why i keep having
>>dreams like this about meeting her, or talking to her...  Obviously, it's
>>not as easy as calling.  Christy never returns my calls, even if it's
>>important, and a corse, she won't let jessica near me, or so it seems...
>>The last person I talked to about this, who I thought was a friend told me
>>I
>>was psycho.  Guys, honestly, I've never ever been so patheticly devastated
>>in my entire life!  I feel like God's punnished me, and I'm already in
>>hell.
>>Frankly, I'm quite angry at him.  i don't wanna be, but what more do I do.
>>i've prayed, and prayed!  i've begged, and begged.  I just abgsolutely
>>cannot take it.  Today, I got so stressed that at one given time, I took 4
>>of the 8 hr extra strength non drousy tylonols.  That's double the usual.
>>I
>>can't sleep, and really haven't for the past week.  I've been overly
>>eating,
>>almost like I'm trying to get bollemia, even though I'm really not
>>ententionally trying to do that.  i talked with my councelor, and she
>>said,
>>well, Chris, she just a darn kid, I don't know what it is that makes you
>>love jessica so much.  She's just your 2nd cousin, not your gardian angel.
>>Guys, that made me so angry, I nearly hit the son of a gun!  Yes, she is!
>>my
>>gardian angel, I can't explain how i know, but I do!  God's revealed time
>>and time again!  I know that you all could say Chris, we love you, or
>>Chris,
>>your God loves you, and I know both are true, but i need to hear Chris, I
>>love you, and you know whom I need to hear it from?  Take a wild guess, it
>>ain't kristin.  I wanna hear those words like I did the one time earlier,
>>straight from Jessica herself.  It just feels like someone's taken a knife
>>and slammed it through my heart making all the guts come out in a
>>massacre of cold blood.  I've been up about all night crying and crying,
>>and
>>crying.  i just need someone to literally hold me.  i can't with Kristin,
>>as
>>she so much smaller than me, and I'm a great bit heavier than her, so I'd
>>probably hurt her if we tried.  Times like this, I just wish i'd choke and
>>die on my tears.  No, i'm not suicidal, but i'm about everything but that.
>>i'm tempted, to take double my antidepressants, but don't worry guys:  I'm
>>not that patheticly stupid.  i'm not going to.  I just need at least one
>>person who can notify the list, and let them know that they will be
>>tonight
>>constantly praying non stop.  i know some of you all work, but if anyone
>>could willingly be all on their knees praying tonight, until at least 5
>>A.M.
>>Eastern time, which means for the next 8 and a half hours, I'd appreciate
>>it.  I just can't get through this night.  No one seems to care, or
>>understand, and I don't want to wake kristin up, as bless her heart, she's
>>had a long day and is sound! asleep.  Please, dear God, o God, someone
>>pjlease! help me!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Chris.