For those of you who're already tired of the 2002 Winter Olympics, here is
an alternative:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Aidan Fitzpatrick" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2002 6:38 PM
Subject: [waterpeople] Manchester Olympics?


> As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth games next
> July. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events  which go
to
> make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester.
>
> A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
>
> OPENING CEREMONY
> The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city,
> inthe traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
> contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
> stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
> In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events
> have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
> Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
> each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
> released froma cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
> 110 METRES HURDLES
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences,
> walls etc).
>
> HAMMER
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
> (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
> physical damage within three attempts.
>
> FENCING
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
> minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
> A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
> target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
> aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor-style wages delivery
> man.  The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice
> of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
>
> BOXING
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
> take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
> lagerwhile the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home.
> The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
> Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take
an
> expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away
> fromhome. All against the clock.
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
> As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian
> rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
> arson.
>
> SWIMMING EVENTS
> All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is
> found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please
> note that the Synchronised Swimming now becomes unsynchonised swimming and
> involves drinking 15 pints of lager and then attempting to swim in the
> nearest fountain.
>
> THE MARATHON
> A safe route has yet to be decided.
>
> MEN'S 50KM WALK
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee
> the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone
> that appears to be mincing....
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford
> Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rockthrowing,
> andmusic by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be extinguished
by
> police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused
Man
> United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded
> up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping
> and the central heating boiler.
>
> Late News: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to
the
> above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: hubcap removal, signing
> on and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
>
> To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has
> been waived this year.