i am happy for you that you caught on just in time. i know kyles post are
painfull for him, but, he is doing a service especially for our younger
members. the moral and social responsibilities are more important than being
super cool and doing super things. treat your relationships with wife, kids
and friends as most important.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brent Edwards [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Thursday, March 07, 2002 5:10 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: kyle's varied past


Kyle wrote:

> Unfortunately, there wasn't any "bs"-ing.  Everything I said I
> did--I really
> did.  The problem was my selfish attitude.  I think it stemmed from some
> sort of weird reverse self-pity and the need to be the center of
> attention.
> I still struggle with it.  My self-esteem in high school (like a
> lot of us)
> was pretty low, especially when it came to girls.  I tried so hard to be
> anything but me, and, to my shame, I succeeded.  I wonder how
> many disabled
> kids (both genders) kill themselves trying to be "cool" and the best at
> whatever they set out to do?
>
> Brent sounds like he had a similar background.  What's your read, Brent?

Man, this post both stunned and stung me. Almost everything you said could
be applied to me without changing a word.

WARNING: Frank language and probably FAR too much information lie ahead. If
you are a moralist, practicing Christian of the devout
Catholic/fundamentalist Protestant stripe, or just plain faint of heart,
stop reading now.

Elementary, middle, and high school were pretty awful for me. I was a total
social outcast. Add to that every teacher I had - at least at first - was
convinced I was "retarded". I mean, I had cp, right? Everyone knew that all
people with cp were 'tards, right? So I took the only route I had available
to me: academic excellence. I don't mean merely good grades, I mean
freakishly good grades. I became a nerd's nerd, a geek's geek. I had no
chance of a social life anyway, so why waste time pining for something that
was totally out of the question?

This all worked fine until my senior year in hs. I was being recruited like
an athlete by several major universities. Then something happened.

I got laid.

I began to question my lack of a social life, and when I arrived at the
university a few months later, I had already figured out that I could
re-invent myself as "cool". No one knew me. I had no baggage. And amongst
the subculture of on-the-edge techie types, I found that surprisingly nobody
seemed to care I was a gimp.

I went nuts. I got laid - a lot. I did drugs - a lot. I dealt drugs - a lot.
I fancied myself some sort of dime store philosopher. I read a lot of
Castaneda, Burroughs, Pynchon. I dabbled in eastern mysticism and
neopaganism. My grades slipped but not a lot. My parents (devout Southern
Baptists) disowned me anyway.

As Kyle said, I tried to be anything but me, and I succeeded. But man, I was
*cool*.

Graduation didn't change anything, I just altered my path to fit the
changing times. Reagan was in the White House. Greed was good. I cut my hair
and stopped doing (most of) the drugs, but I became the absolute worst kind
of yuppie scum.

Thankfully, five years ago I got a clue just before it was too late. I
almost lost my wife to the 70 hour work weeks. I realized that I didn't have
a clue who my then eight year old daughter was. So I stepped off the
carousel, dusted myself off, and started to try to figure out who I was.

I honestly don't think any of that would've happened if I had been AB. I
think I'd have had a nice quiet life somewhere. I can never go back and be
that guy, and the way I live my life now is so far out of the mainstream
that I don't think I should talk about it on this list - at least not until
you know me a lot better. But at least I'm not trying to be supercool
supergimp any more. I'm just glad I didn't have to lose everything to get my
head on straight.

Sorry for that lengthy screed. Blame it on Kyle. <GRIN>

Brent