>



Deri,

    I dub thee Writer Lauriat(sp?) of C-Palsy!!!

    (Is there such a thing?)

Bobby

> >                            Abducted
> >                            ========
> >
> >    "What the ....".
> >
> > You don't expect to see a bright pool of light while driving
> > through the puddled country lanes of a dank March evening. But
> > there it was right in front of me.
> >
> > A piercing white/blue oasis flooded through all the cars
> > windows. Then blackness...
> >
> > ... a winking light tugged at my consciousness, and I woke
> > up feeling warm and clammy. The room seemed like some sort
> > of doctors surgery, decked out with an advanced hologramic
> > display of my head showing the complex folds of my brain,
> > complete with aspidistra and eye-chart (which I couldn't
> > read!).
> >
> >    "Welcumm earthling - my name is 'o"
> >
> > The surprise of seeing an alien bending over me was
> > nothing compared to hearing a voice which had the monotonic
> > drawl of someone with CP.
> >
> >    "Are you understanning me earthling?".
> >
> >    "I can't believe you have Cerebral Palsy, with all this
> >    advanced medical equipment."
> >
> > He flicked a switch on the control panel and his voice
> > changed to a plummy Oxford accent:
> >
> >    "Terribly sorry old boy, the Universal Translator
> >    recognised your voice as 'CP English', I didn't realise
> >    you understood 'Oxford English' as well!".
> >
> > Strangely I didn't feel frightened (probably the Dantrium
> > and Valium kicking in!!). The alien had no hair and quite a
> > high domed head.
> >
> >    "Why have you abducted me?"
> >
> >    "I wanted to talk to you. You see I am a researcher into
> >    Terran Neuro Processes - three year fully funded
> >    fellowship - very prestigious. Me and my colleague,
> >    Cedric are fascinated with Human Heads - they are all
> >    roughly the same size."
> >
> > For the first time I realised there was a second alien
> > standing absolutely still with a slightly vacant grin on his
> > face. Instantly noticeable was Cedric's dome was much
> > smaller, in fact the whole head seemed smaller. I glanced
> > back at Bo's gleaming dome.
> >
> >    "Aah, I see you have noticed that Cedric has a number 3
> >    sized head - I", he proudly stroked his dome, "have a
> >    number 7".
> >
> > Bo leaned closer covering the side of his mouth and said
> > confidentially.
> >
> >    "Sometimes I wish I'd brought a size 4 with me, but I
> >    would have had to include his name when we publish the
> >    research - rules you know." Then towards Cedric, "Say
> >    hello Cedric".
> >
> > The vacant look on Cedric's face slowly changed to a little
> > frown, then back to a vacant look as he slowly said:
> >
> >    "Hullo ... Cedric".
> >
> > If Bo had had eyebrows they would have shot skywards.
> >
> >    "I have a size 7 head", another stroke, "size 3's are
> >    normally in politics or banking, but his Uncle is
> >    supplying the funding!". He gave me a knowing nod.
> >
> >    "Is size 7 the biggest?"
> >
> >    "Well, there are a few size 8's, but they are all OTs
> >    with GRE qualifications".
> >
> >    "How can I help you?".
> >
> >    "Ever since we discovered earth we could not understand
> >    why you all had almost the same size heads. You can't all
> >    be Occupational Therapists. I", stroked his dome,
> >    "discovered that it is the use of the brain which differs
> >    from person to person".
> >
> > A smug smile beamed from his face as though he had just told
> > me a great truth of the Universe, and he continued:
> >
> >    "I don't quite understand why noone uses all their
> >    brains, the best seem to use one third, but my break
> >    through came a few years ago, after I abducted Ronald
> >    Reagan and found practically no brain activity at all -
> >    and I realised here was a classic size 2 head political
> >    leader!!".
> >
> >    "My latest discovery is very interesting. All the people
> >    who talk CP English or CP French (in fact CP anything),
> >    have very interesting brains. It appears part of it is
> >    damaged, but they seem to have trained part of their
> >    brains to do the functions which the damaged part can't
> >    do very well. To finish my research I thought I'd see
> >    what would happen if I repaired one of these brains so
> >    that they could use it. The total useable brain would
> >    then be phenomenal.".
> >
> > It suddenly dawned on me what the alien was saying.
> >
> >    "WHAT!!! You could repair my brain damage?!!"
> >
> >    "Sure. Basically I just laser burn the injured tissue and
> >    replace it with cloned cells from the good part. Of
> >    course I map the synapse network before burning, and
> >    impose the lattice on the new cells - piece of cake - a
> >    size 5 could do it. You'd end up with this virgin brain
> >    area where you can think new thoughts, fill with fresh
> >    ideas."
> >
> >    "What about all the secondary problems, the neck, back,
> >    hip, feet, complications."
> >
> >    "No, I just do the neuro fix, my size 7 head has no
> >    skeletal information. You'd need an ortho size 7 for
> >    that."
> >
> > I paused to think of what I'd learned. No more spasms. No
> > more drooling. No more continuous repetition just to be
> > understood. No more CP - my friend for decades.
> >
> > Yet I'd still have all the neck/back/hip/feet pain - but
> > without the very visible reason for it. Would I be fit for
> > "normal" life - when my whole life up till now had been
> > fitted to my disability.
> >
> > This and much more flashed through my brain.
> >
> >    "Bo, I'm really sorry but you are going to have to find
> >    someone else to test your theory."
> >
> > A disappointed look crossed Bo's face.
> >
> >    "What possible reason have you got for turning down my
> >    offer."
> >
> >    "My wife would kill me!!"
> >
> > Deri James
> > 12th March 2001