This was sent me by Jackie Murgida, Arabic linguist extraordinaire in New
Hampshire. I hope you all enjoy it. --Don
 
[Jackie's intro note] "Hi Everyone,

This was sent to me by a German friend in England. I found it most welcome
during our trying election doings here.

WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Member of Parliament. With
regular maintenance your Member of Parliament should provide you with a
lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation
and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would
appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service
card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be
used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political
influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
___ Prime Minister
___ Cabinet Minister
___ Backbencher

2. How did you hear about your Member of Parliament? Please check all that
apply.
___ TV ad
___ Magazine/newspaper ad
___ Shared jail cell with
___ Former law partner of
___ Unindicted co-conspirator with
___ Islington crony of
___ Procured for
___ Related to
___ Recommended by lobbyist
___ Recommended by organized-crime figure
___ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories
___ Solicited bribe from me
___ Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your Member of Parliament?
___ Obtain lucrative government contracts
___ Have my prejudices turned into law
___ Optain diplomatic concessions
___ Obtain trade concessions
___ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally
___ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
___ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress
___ Forestall military action against self / allies
___ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
targets for future conquest
___ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse
___ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse
___ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
groups
___ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your purchase?
___ Performance of currently owned model
___ Reputation
___ Price
___ Appearance
___ Party affiliation
___ Professed beliefs of Member of Parliament
___ Actual beliefs of Member of Parliament
___ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government
___ Blackmail
___ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Member
of Parliament?
___ Yes / No
___ If you answered 'yes' please indicate reason(s) for changing models.
___ Excessive operating / maintenance costs
___ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model
___ Defect in current model
___ Dead
___ Senile
___ Indicted
___ Convicted
___ Resigned in disgrace
___ Switched parties / beliefs
___ Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Member of
Parliament you have chosen the best politician money can buy.